game

like a game of hide-and-seek

we let the covers fall

once more,

one last time

for under their cover,

within their darkness,

our breaths are held in

just for one more second - 

and side by side,

we lay on the floor

ceiling above -

infinity

it is silence we've asked

silence we're given

silence

shh

and with closed eyes 

we draw:

the universe,

infinite possibilities

but none of us,

none of you,

none of me,

none

eyelids flutter open

staring into space

fingers drum along

the rhythm to kill

my ribcage open

you reach in

my screaming soul

pitifully whispering... mercy!

oh, how they twist

and turn

and break 

and burn!

your fingers,

knuckle deep sunk

claws,

forcing me open 

I keep my eyes closed

the sounds of the universe

covering my screams

and it burns

and I am water

I sizzle 

when you

sink

and you are fire

you tremble

when I

breathe

oh, the thrill of this,

this chase

where I am prey

and you, predator

until the sun rises

and my eyes open

and I, predator

eat you, prey.

bathroom floor [incomplete]

bathroom floor 

at 1am

staring into the darkness

which reaches out from the sink

bathroom floor

at 1am

reaching for the drain plug

from the tub

bathroom floor

at 1am

watching the sparks

going out of me

bathroom floor

at 1am

wondering what good

to have them all starting fires

bathroom floor 

at 1am

a shell on the shelf

whispers of lost oceans,

liquids quickly gulped down

just last week

bathroom floor

at 1am

the walls crumbling down

stone after stone

grasping

at the emptiness ahead

before turning 

into dust

bathroom floor

at 1am

who am I ?

what have I done

to put out the fire?

bathroom floor

at 1am

maybe I should just get up

...

type of wrong

center of me burns

begging for water

a hurricane to wash over

destroy and resurrect

submerge this fire

let if sizzle

like the sun does

at dusk

and when it's drowned

when it stops breathing

take your hands

and let it go

it goes and goes and goes

falling liquidly

drowning 

while the universe reverses

and planets, stars

they all align

and it floats through space

the big blue

they said it's darkness

that shines

but they've never seen

so much light

and as it travels

submerged

it loses track

of all that matters

there's the fire

sparkling

twisting

underwater

take my fire

and kill it, I asked.

don't give it wilderness

for it expands

consuming me.

in my veins

what does it feel like to love you - have your fingertips brushing against my skin: ocean of music notes washing away all sound

what does it feel like to have you staring from within the darkness: strip me down of this crushing fear and never be able to look away

what does it feel like to breathe you in and breathe you out: intoxicate my soul with you

and you whirl, whirl your way down into me

poisonous smoke

illusion of a promised redemption

I walk to you as if you're open doors of the church

when you're nothing but a curtain dancing in the wind

masking darkness

I walk to you stripped of all of me,

holding onto my soul

and willingly giving it away while singing 'hallelujah'

my soul from my hand into yours

from my chest into yours

as you gulp it down as if holy water

and as I am emptied of myself

you pour yourself into me, 

wickedly 

your tongue burns - thousands whips

perversely scribbling onto me

an earthly name

biting teeth battle for my flesh

my blood drop by drop

blossoms onto my skin

I use daggers

and carve out constellations

my entire universe

you run deeper, faster

than I can chase

through my veins

poison

inside my veins

I cannot scratch you out

come out, undone

I too break 

into shadows

black hole

of space continuum

swallows me

a shell.

feeling

i feel like i should sleep

a long, long sleep

i feel like i should lay

down beneath the sea

buried all under sand

i feel like i should mute
my thoughts, my heart
leave the static sound
to buzz on
i feel i should lay low
lower and lower
till lava engulfs me whole

i feel i shouldn't laugh
but you're staring like that...
i feel like i should move
as if possessed, a scarecrow,
a controlled puppet, i...
i feel I should flap my wings
and go

i feel i should be blue
not with sorrow, but as in the colour
i feel like i should be white
not as in the colour, but with sorrow

i feel i should be alone
but when the darkness comes, i wish
i weren't, that i won't and never will be
truly alone

i feel i should be covered in thorns
and pick at them with laughing eyes
weeping
i feel i should have the right
to curse out loud
this damned heart!

i feel i should feel you
crawling on my skin, under it,
all over my bones,
inside my dna
and drag yourself out
through my pursed lips

i feel i should let myself move
into yet another flight
which i yet postpone so eagerly
to meet a masochist ending...

i feel i should do something
yet idly i'm waiting
a continuous falling
while the entire universe is turning
spinning, growing
i shrink,
a spec of dying light

i feel i should let this ocean
swallow me whole
flood this body
flood this mind
till i am full
of you

and yet i'm staring at the moon.

postadfectus

anatomy of a lie

decomposing what once was truth

lying open for all eyes to see,

to judge it for what it is

don't

and pull the covers

make it dark

hide away my dissected heart

don't stare at its anatomy

for my disease is you

and even if it's cold

it's still my heart

you stare at so coldly

unimpressed at its fighting

against you

as if asleep and dreaming

you stare

head tilted, a soft rise of chest

proving you're not as dead

as the heart you're staring down at

dissected it still bleeds

as if rushing blood to flushing cheeks

it fights the scalpel

stuck to biting binding

muffled to mute

and its anatomy exposed

for all to see

reveals a deadly illness:

you're everywhere

in every cell

cancerously spreading

you live

you laugh

from atria to ventricles,

you dance, you, you, you...

and somewhere else

a sigh escapes my lips

for now it's on my sleeve

my heart

and its sweet disease

supernova

Și te desprinzi, plutești în spațiul dezolant, ochi goi te privesc ca pe o pradă și așteaptă să te desprinzi total, să cazi în uitare. Și cazi, cazi, cazi... Totul e cădere, în gol și fără parașută, fără scripeți și corzi elastice, fără mâini întinse înainte. Și te ghemuiești în tine, te strângi și te-nconvoi cu ochii strâns închiși și simți cum te despoaie de tot - haine, carne, sentimente ambulante, toate se desprind și se topesc pe când tu cazi cu viteza luminii.

Arde - tu și pe interior, carcasa de carne sfârâie pe oase ce s-au frânt în gol, așteptând impactul cu fiecare secundă. Ești minge de foc pe un fundal pictat tot în negru și ești un schelet alb cu mult roșu, rupturi împletite frumos ca să te țină laolaltă în căderea ce pare numai că se multiplică. Ești un strigăt continuu într-o mare de voci și totuși nu acoperi tăcerea ce ți se afundă în piele, așa că amuțești. Și nu mai doare.

Auzi cum pârâie și oasele și mușchii, cum totul protestează și te frământă amăreala de pe limbă, că nu e sânge și totuși simți fumul, gustul de ars care pare să se tragă de la inima care bubuie și turuie. Și te strângi din nou, floare fără soare, deși strălucești precum ei toți sori pe cerul plin de stele, te strângi și te ascunzi cu inima din substanță sfărâmicioasă pentru că totul e cădere și tu ești una cu căderea în întunericul dimprejur.

Foc - pe exterior, cu limbi roșiatice ce te topesc ușor ca zâmbete însorite ce trec de tine parcă din alte timpuri, multe, îndepărtate, pătate de ploi torențiale care-au stins atâtea lumini în ochii goi ce văd acum doar abisul infinit ce se întinde înainte și împrejur, roată, roată, fără sfârșit, dens și plin de misterele multor începuturi și sfârșituri.

Foc - pe interior, cu degete metalice ce-ți împresoară inima și-o strâng și-o fac să te doară, să vrea să te rănească că doar tu ai permis să lași focul să o ademenească să dea pe dinafară. Și foc mult pe interior, incendiu forestier în păduri virgine cu scântei ce dau pe dinafară, oh, tu, lumină orbitală în plină cădere, cum poți să strălucești așa când totul se destramă și oasele ți se frâng de la cum îți înghiți scâncetele cu degetele adânc îngropate în faldurile inimii care bubuie și duduie, și dă pe dinafară. Că știi că totul e cădere, cădere fără sunet și infinită...

Traiectoria nedeterminată, te afunzi în întuneric și-l aprinzi mai tare decât o explozie solară și arzi tot mai mult pe măsură ce printre degete ți se strecoară praf din inima de tăciune sfărâmată. Pierzi ani lumină fără să încetinești și ochii prind lumini întârziate de la sori la mile depărtare, ce și ei cad să piară. Cădere - te desfaci încet de tine însăți, te dezintegrezi încă încercând să ții ascuns durerosul mod în care ți se dezlipesc celulele unele de altele și pășesc în afară, sublimul a tot ce se dezbină într-o agonie simfonică pe care tot o muști ca să o reduci la tăcere în timp ce totul în tine cântă, cântă, cântă. Te lasă fără suflare - ochi plutind la mile depărtare de unde tu ai fost odată, rămășițe din tine, acum pulbere stelară ce cade infinit și în tăcere și vezi și tu cât de frumos se vede atunci când se moare ca o stea, ușor, explozii întârziate a unui moment de supernovă...

Totul e cădere, cădere infinită și fină pulbere de stele ce se destramă ca să te alcătuiască pe tine când tu pieri încet pe interior. Moarte frumoasă cu spectacol dezolant, cu pulbere de tăciuni aprinși... așa se naște o supernovă.

love

listen to the owls

calling on each other

like you and me

cascades

falling into each other

listen to the winds

fight with each other

like you and me

tornadoes 

crashing into each other

see the full moon

knocking on your window

like i look for you

shadow

in the vast dessert 

feel the rhythm

throbbing under your hand

spilling a secret

heartbeat

in a frail rib cage

taste the sweetness

berries of wilderness

untethering my pulse

mustang 

on an ancient prairie

darkness into darkness

pour 

and light a fire

brighter

than a sun

put out

light with light

and lie down

darkness next to darkness

to sleep

star next to star

looking at each other

eons of constellations

bursting

into stellar dust

i feel the wind

rustling

weaving tall grass

trading

green for yellow

face to face

nothing keeping them apart

water and willow

kissing

under the sun

all that's nothing

and nothing that's all

dance together

darkness and light

combine

love written on wind

carried away

watered

by oceans

until you get it

my love.

him

seek me through the grass

and adorn me with light

and silvery kisses.

i am long asleep

laying on my bed

rocked by a sea of dreams

and arms

and arms

and arms

and i dream of you

of you and you

and nothing else but you.

the road is long

and there's no flower

and no sun

to keep me breathing

while i follow you 

across the sea

across the universe

across all stars...

your footsteps are too big

for my worn out shoes

and i fear

your shadow is too dense

for me to breathe

through its smoke

the wind is singing

a love song

all flowers bending

in my dream where you

oh you

you smile so dearly

your back

oh your back

is now turned on me

i run

like crashing waves

and fall 

into your distance...

and the wind is whispering

to the moon

and the muffled sun

is suffering

i run

like yellow on crops

in summer

like green on forests

in spring

like shadows on snow

in winter

the wind withers me

like leaves on a tree

in autumn

across the water

resting your feet

into the icy coldness

of a creek

you are

oh you are

alone 

in darkness bathed

spears of sunshine

not piercing

you being alive

or dead

or immortal

or alone

crestfallen

shadow, 

lingering burden 

no longer do you follow

your master

shoes,

cannon balls

no longer do you thwart

his walk

and where do i belong

in all of these

am i the shoes

in his feet

his shadow

on his back

his sun

on the sky

his moon

in the lake

the flow of

consciousness

at the back of the mind

his smile 

lonely star of night

on obsidian 

unwoven canopy

no

i lain my hair

in dirt

i am the roots

of all dreams

overflowing sea

of burning suns

that do not die

nor live

but exist 

like lies

of white yarn

i do not hurt

i keep him 

all together

sea with sea 

crash together

in a pond

i pour myself

until there's nothing left

my heart

the fog

and all fireflies

burning like

ten thousand suns

i am a harbor.

My pretty dream

Inside my frustrated and overworked heart, I keep this dream hidden from the eyes of the world. I had it prettily wrapped in pink paper, a red ribbon keeping it all together while the walls of my heart keep resisting under a siege of waves of blades that cut in deep flesh with their dull edges, cracking open wounds that I'm still waiting to transform into ugly scars. But they keep bleeding while I stuff that pretty dream under ruins of ancient remains of a soul that might have lived other lives as well.

I keep no more hope for me. For this world stripped me of all that was pretty and shamed me with my own reflection, forcing me to crawl into the darkness I so hated. And like you peel off a fruit to reach its core in search of its sweetness, I'm peeling my own mind of fears and try to reach the core of it and save whatever is there left to be saved.

And while my walls crack open to reveal my stitched up skeleton, I rush upwards the spiral stairs, scratching my soles in my rush to reach my pretty dream. Now, my sole reason to hang on is this tiny, pink package, to keep its flame burning alive even in the darkest abyss.

My dream is frail. It was born before term and so I know it cannot breathe on its own completely. But as I keep it in my arms and close to my body I somehow hope or maybe wish for it to grow, rip off the pink paper and fly to better skies.

My frail dream sleeps most of the time. 

My dream... will never live on to come true, that I know. And yet, a tiny piece of me looks at it with hopeful eyes while I touch its smoky figure with hungry fingers that seem to have a mind of their own.

My dream, darling dream, when I call out to your murderers to stand for trial, I will be the only one to raise on two and bow down in front of you. And I know you won't see me, for you'll be long gone, but I'll keep remembering the darkness of the guilt.

My dream, darling dream to be one day deeply loved by a man who smiles only at me, showing dimples of kindness and his soul in his eyes, a man like a shelter against all storms... I know you'll die.

I see you

I've been sitting, watching, pondering... I've watched eons pass by me in seconds, their light dying like screens of uncharged laptops or some sort of smartphones. I've seen them all and for a second my heart trembled.

For how long have I kept myself hidden from you? For how long have I hid behind statuses of invisibility? Was it a default condition of the heart you left behind with your always offline being? Or was it just a reaction to the queue I've been planted into?

But Earth stopped its usual rotation and went the other way the day I saw you back online. "Hey," you wrote in unearthly dialect, "I think I broke my machine. It keeps buzzing and thuding deep inside, puffing and snorting like an old hag. What do I do now?"

And my fingers trembled upon the keyboard full of stellar dust of all those stars that set upon its keys. "About what? You're talking gibberish again."

It was an instant reaction to... you, I guess. Because no matter how much time it passed, you're you and I'm still the same fool that cannot fall out of love with your online persona.

"About my heart," came your reply, with the same teasing emoticon at the end. 

Bastard! Fool! Ignorant machine... 'cause you must be one on the other side of the screen! How can you ask me about your heart when mine has been paused for so long that it's hardly starting to smarten up?! You're so self-centered that I... "Try plugging it out," I could not give in. "Maybe it needs to die so you can see beyond the screen in front of you."

How many earthly kilometers did I travel to save your soul and found only ashes and a broken window? How many times did my feet gave in to this burden I still carry around no matter if asleep or awake? I stopped counting after it surpassed the infinite. And just so you know, I was so deep in that I saw no way out. I kept sinking and sinking and there was no branch to pull me out of the mud of my blood and tears, while my heart turned to dust in your room. There was the picture of us on your closet's door and there was that stupid, alien costume I wore on my first intergalactic journey I made for you - all evidence of the real you and me. And yet, you were nowhere to be found. Not there, not here, not under that withered palm-tree you just had to plant in your backyard! Your ice-cream was melting on the corner of a desk with no screen on it...

"I took too long, didn't I?" Your DP seemed to mock me with double smiles of a summer that has long froze under a thick layer of snow.

I wanted to be mean and tell you to just please, fuck off. But my fingers stubbornly refused and remained hanging above the keyboard of my foolish heart. "Way too long. Were they out of stellar dust?"

I guess we're alike... you and I, we're too much of fools not to see the truth in each other. I knew you for too long not to anticipate your disappearance. And you know me too well not to come back... eventually.

"I've been roaming around different stars, but they were all out of dust. And you know what I noticed missing?" Your messaged beeped my attention.

"Surprise me, fuck-head!"

"In all this universe, there's no star that has a you. So I had to come back and reclaim my place at the other end of the line. I see you now."

You're indeed a fuck-head! How many times did I tell you this and now you... you just... I give up, you know?!

"I see you," I replied and finally went to bed after eons of standing on guard.

It's you

But you got to know this: my taciturn self is only screaming in psychotic struggles to escape you and your eyes. Yes, this is my confession of madness, my admission into a personal Hell I will never escape from... because you're there, always there, always there, presence of spirit and flesh, my utmost thirst, my lone crave for dangerous, maniac like company. It's you, you, you and you only. It's you and...

Your moves are fluid and your fingers seem to be chains of flying butterflies, keeping me trapped in this insanity, the forever darkness of my own mind.

Your scent is like an eternal flame burning the floor when I just want to lie down and shut down all these machines inside of me forever. Forever... but your flame keeps me moving, keeps me dancing, dangling my chains after me.

Your eyes looking away from me are more than any punishment Heaven could have bestowed on me for being born in this skin, trapped in this meat case. If there's no you, there can't be any other, so I'll struggle with all these bones and rip them to pieces if I have to... just don't look away.

And then your lips - a sweet smelling rose in full bloom is a decaying corpse. Full and with the corners always twirled in one or another form of mocking smile is carnage, silent torment for the weaklings like me that cannot touch you, cannot approach you, that can only dream of your darkness scattered in the wind. And sweet and poisonous and filled with thorns are they. But that can't keep me away from deliriously wishing to sink my teeth in your bottom lip and suck its death into me. Release me from my chains...

Your touch - whips and scratches against my bruised skin. And yet I let you continue your way down my hand, 'cause I know the pain can be erased only with pain and that there's no such thing as mercy in our little dark corner where only the devil can creep in without feeling insulted by the profanity of our blind Oblivion. 

You make no sense with your sweet lies and we both know your time is limited. So lay me down on sheets of solitude, strip me of all inhibition and look at me and only at me, see the soul screaming in me, see the claws scratching my throat in front of your every day betrayal, confide into my reverse flowing tears and trust they would never tell on you. And we'd finally be together.

Silence is overflowing from your shyness and I can only sharpen my claws on the smile in your eyes. Black blood flows through our veins and yet you do not see it - you'll never see it. The more you approach me, the more my chains of butterflies strangle me, cover me in soft and silky dust - you're the demon of my own insanity and you've come to take me, now I know.

But before we go anywhere, let me have that soft kiss, 'cause there ain't nobody in this maze to love you like I do.

Grow [as human]

Couples are annoying to be around. So sickening sweet it make you want to leave the room and never again step inside there. They're the best at making you feel down, not needed, easy to be replaced, feel that you're the only one that hasn't evolved from the bottom of the food chain. Couples have this strange power to make you angry, clench your fingers around your glass or purse or phone and just curse through you clenched teeth... this or make you look away, embarrassed and just wishing a hole would open under your feet, swallowing you whole.

Couples are the best social torture that there is. That's how I used to think and feel. 

I used to be envious on their smiles and holding hands, on their little gestures that meant so much to them and them only, on the way they had this power to know when the other is around or in need or something, on their undivided attention. 

I used to feel awkward around them and just talk a lot to cover the way I was blushing or feel my heart stinging inside my chest. And then, the awkwardness would transform into anger - why couldn't I have that? Why did it have to be me? Was I really that bad? Where did God hid my luck? 

I used to think their love is disgusting...

Now I realize just how wrong I was. Love is not something that you should hate. Because, as we evolved as human beings, love became harder to find. Yes, there are the occasional relationship and the delusional thinking that we love the other person, but... that's not love. Now, I don't know what love really is or how it feels, if it hurts or if it's some sort of euphoric state of mind, but one thing I do know: love is awesome. And you cannot be envious on it or hate it or consider it disgusting. It's troublesome, yes, to those who are single, but it's not hateful.

I came to realize this with time and after hours of thinking and just analyzing the world around me. Now I can keep my head up and smile to their kisses and hugs, without feeling lonely or unwanted in their presence. Now I can be happy for them and smile at their love story as if I am one of those good people that do only good to others. I'm probably one of the worse people on this planet, but I cannot hate love. For it has its own pace, its own time and its own agenda. I cannot wish for it to hurry, I cannot make it bloom earlier, I cannot feel it until it's not its time.

So, I'll wait. Patiently, I'll focus on becoming a better human and grow healthier beliefs, so that when time comes and love finds me, I will be able of offering more than just my heart with all the scars and battle wounds, but also healthy moral values. And maybe, just maybe this way, my heart won't sting anymore around happy couples and I won't have to fake a smile, but wear a pretty and real one instead.

You need to be happy for their love in order to be happy with yours...

Stellar soul

N.R. is a human like all the others, just less special traits added to her character. But one night she went stargazing. And the lights she saw above, the millions of twinkling, the most beautiful painted view of them all - everything made her think just how beautiful ephemeral things were. It didn't matter that a lot of the lights she saw were just projections of stars that died or that their luminescence was cold and distant. To her eyes, they were all beautiful.

From that night, N.R. started her real journey as a human. And once on the bus, she realized that she had only watched life pass her by, too scared of the headlights of the cars to step outside her pretty and very fragile bubble. It was comfortable to take cover from the wind of change and just dodge all the drop from the rain of hardship. It was easy to wait for dreams to crawl out through her blinds, hope that once out they'll grow wings and become fierce and powerful like ancient dragons. And it was only now that she realized she had been missing all the excitement of being alive. So she left with the wind at her back, hoping to reach the stars before it was too late.

That night, that one night changed her life. For she had seen the most beautiful, most sparkling, most approachable light of them all. It was right there, above her, a little to the right on the sky's canopy, living in a different circle, leading a completely different rotation than N.R.'s planet. But it was alright, for she knew how to lure that star to look down and shine its light upon her and upon her alone. And so the star did: it turned itself to this one peculiar human and smiled with eons of undying rays of cold light, blinding even the Sun itself, making the Moon miss its rotation and scandalizing all the other cosmogonic spheres.

It was unusual for a human to shift its center of attention from inside to the outside, so N.R. was seen as being special for the first time. The way her eyes shone every time the star illuminated the night sky, the way her thoughts were put in tiny bottles and sent all across the sea, towards that special point where it meets Horizon, the only one capable of touching the sky, the way she was hoping and dreaming of that one single, tiny, little star was fascinating. She was after all, just a tiny, little human herself... and so she began to feel the wind of change as she reached the end of the Earth and realized her star was never going to make it on that squared piece of land she had brought for just the two of them. No, it hit her, her tiny star was pinned on the night's canopy forever and always. 

It saddened N.R. to watch her star trying to reach her so hard that she had blinded half of the galaxy. It was painful to watch how her star was hurting itself by breaking its light into so many pieces that it turned into sparkling dust above N.R.'s face and eyes. It broke her heart to know that despite seeing so many stars leaving the canopy, not even one reached the Earth before its own light. So one night, when the tide was high and the moon had finally stopped spinning, N.R. spoke her mind for the first time:

"I've been sitting, watching, waiting... Now it only makes me wonder: if I'd left this all behind and held the wind at my back, could I get you off my mind?"

And she turned her back on the sky and hid under a cover made of lies she told herself so her guilt would be put to sleep, her consciousness muted. But it was impossible to bear it: she wanted to pluck her eyes out, carve out her heart, dig her own grave with her nails, weep till the sea would cover the whole Earth or until the Moon would bathe in her tears... she wanted her star to be happy more than anything. And she knew, N.R. knew she was just a human, that she could shake all Heavens and no star would fall, that she was going to cry and throw a fit as soon as the light of her beloved star would touch her, freezing her blood. She knew she had so many flaws that even her guardian angel turned his face from her, ashamed of the nakedness of her soul and incapacity of truly believing. For that had been her problem from always: N.R. was incapable of believing for too long in something... especially in herself.

Until - until one night when she started believing in the happiness of her tiny, little star.

That's when she went stargazing with her soul...

Only [human]

I'll stop right here and right now. 

I'll hold in my breath so that I won't feel your scent anymore, I'll close my eyes to stop seeing you, I'll stop moving my lips under yours and deny any touch coming from you.

I'll stop now.

I'll hit my chest with my fist until I'll bruise it in hopes that my heart will actually fail to beat under the hits. If that doesn't happen, I'll open up my chest and unplug my heart, disconnect it from my brain and cease any vital function. And then I'll feed it to the dogs... not that they'll eat it since it's so old and scarred, so hard to chew on the stratified illusions and repeated surgeries. It will probably end up being ball to kids on the streets or maybe on the riverbank or it will roll and hid under the bridge, in a box, shivering in stitches and darkness. Or maybe someone will find it and take care of it, nurture it with pity if not love, clean it from all the dirt that went through all the open wounds, wash away the pain and memories and then give it to someone who really needs it... 'cause I don't really need it.

I'll stop now.

I won't care, I won't feel, I won't see, breathe or taste you like before. You will become gray to me and die, turn to dust and get carried away by the wind. I will no longer give in to you. I'll stay strong and unmoved like a rock, until water will wash all of me away and I will be remembered no more...

I'll stop now.

I'll stop loving you and seeing only you, I'll stop being blind. I'll be once again dark and twisted, sister with the fears and denial, I'll stop smiling blindly, I'll go back to my corner and forget all of me and all of you. I'll mute my plea and become deaf, I'll go searching once again for something that will taste just as sweet as you if not sweeter. I will stop loving you even if it means death to my soul!

I'll stop now and forever shall not find place to nest inside this rib cage of mine. I don't need promises for eternity, nor undying love written on sheets of paper; I don't need diamonds sparkling like the stars or cars or gold or flowers. For I ceased to exist the moment I gave my all and wrapped my soul around your arm. Yes, you took me all: all my body, all my heart and soul, my dreams, my thoughts. You occupied me as a vessel, you took over me like a conqueror takes over dry land - and just like that you ignored the fact that I had a name, a spirit, a life. Now all that's left of me is a mere meat carcass scribbled with nonsensical wishes of death. And they were all for you, love...

So I'll stop now. I'll just leave you behind and when we'll unexpectedly meet at the corner of that flower shop, I won't even look at you, I won't feel you or hear you. You'll be the ghost of my sad past and I'll be living in my self written present. You won't have the power to lure me in once again...

And yes, I will regret you all my life.