Monday 12 October 2015

turn

I seem to keep coming back when darkness hits me from the inside. I thought it gone, vanished, pulverized into tranquility... but no, it's here, banging on the inside in my chest asking to be let out. And I'm scared, terrified that once out I'll never be able to contain, fold it to the back of mind, conceal its shadows. I'm scared that I'll pick on my oldest wounds, remind my body about the thousand knives that are to come. I'm scared that once out me, the me I came to like, the me that allowed to smile even a little bit under the bandages that kept me nicely intact, the me that fought - I'm scared it will die, slowly transforming into dust.
I have darkness in me. The type of darkness you usually take to therapy has nested inside of me, its teeth of insecurities biting on my rib cage, acid tornadoes of 'maybe's and 'perhaps's wrecking the quiet settlements of my brains. This darkness forces my eyes down on the tip of my shoes and my apologies out from the tip of my tongue. This darkness chases me into complete silence, close on the right to the Oblivion. And falling is only a matter of time...
Maybe you've been there or maybe you're still there, lingering, pacing around it's edges... how did you survive your darkness? Here it's raining and light it's fading away while the number of stretched out hands gets smaller as I am forced to acknowledge the depths of this darkness, laughing back at myself while I keep silent on the outside. How do you keep yourself safe, away from falling? Is alone enough for survival? Can my fingers hold tight on the edge and not let go of them? Can I trust them and not give into temptation to just... let go?
Tell me, you who have been there, can I dress up the holes on the inside and shush down the wind that's howling... can you hear it? A deafening hiss of silence, like an invisible serpent that's in there, entwining himself around my heart and the darkness that can't wait to take over. Can I paint them over and pretend it's skin, as if I'm normal, not wounded or bleeding, not bearing old scares on my mind? Or maybe I could just empty my entire body of blood and turn into a cadaver with sparkling eyes and a smile that says "Don't mind me, everything's just fine."
I don't think you know either, how to keep on breathing when silence is so deafening, when the war itself is tired of fighting, when alone is all you have... because alone is all you have. You can surround yourself with all the humans on the planet and they can all love you strongly, deeply, 'cause you'd still be alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. It's a dramatic word, but at least it can't let you down, it doesn't give up on you when darkness pulls you under.
Maybe giving in, going under and drowning is the best my conservation instinct can come up to. If so, who am I to say no to? Drowning would still be a better exit from this scene than listening to all the raindrops falling over me while holding on the edge... yes, drowning should be warm.
And if I end up turning to the darkness, please forgive me for I'll no longer be me.

Monday 8 June 2015

u

forgive my unworthy self
for reaching for you

i bear your slap
like a warrior his wounds
i wrap it in bloody laps
but the burn just won't go away
from my heart

these pills
happy pills
will bring a new tomorrow
when today is nothing but mud
at the bottom of a pool

these pills
if i were to swallow
i think they'd make you happy
knowing i left
drifted to another self

these pills
will make you master
while i'll fall in disgrace
like flowers from a sick tree
i will not finish my blooming

these pills
will build me a ladder 
to all skies if i reach
wouldn't make me happier
than having left you behind

in this silence i know
you are but a shadow
the road is wide enough
for us to pass
shoulder by shoulder

and as you brush past me
i'll see your back
and stars will all dawn
but at least i'll be alone
with only myself

and i do not call out the darkness of mind

Wednesday 3 June 2015

love

listen to the owls
calling on each other
like you and me
cascades
falling into each other

listen to the winds
fight with each other
like you and me
tornadoes 
crashing into each other

see the full moon
knocking on your window
like i look for you
shadow
in the vast dessert 

feel the rhythm
throbbing under your hand
spilling a secret
heartbeat
in a frail rib cage

taste the sweetness
berries of wilderness
untethering my pulse
mustang 
on an ancient prairie

darkness into darkness
pour 
and light a fire
brighter
than a sun

put out
light with light
and lie down
darkness next to darkness
to sleep

star next to star
looking at each other
eons of constellations
bursting
into stellar dust

i feel the wind
rustling
weaving tall grass
trading
green for yellow

face to face
nothing keeping them apart
water and willow
kissing
under the sun

all that's nothing
and nothing that's all
dance together
darkness and light
combine

love written on wind
carried away
watered
by oceans
until you get it

my love.

Monday 1 June 2015

him

seek me through the grass
and adorn me with light
and silvery kisses.


i am long asleep
laying on my bed
rocked by a sea of dreams
and arms
and arms
and arms


and i dream of you
of you and you
and nothing else but you.


the road is long
and there's no flower
and no sun
to keep me breathing
while i follow you 
across the sea
across the universe
across all stars...


your footsteps are too big
for my worn out shoes
and i fear
your shadow is too dense
for me to breathe
through its smoke


the wind is singing
a love song
all flowers bending
in my dream where you
oh you
you smile so dearly
your back
oh your back
is now turned on me


i run
like crashing waves
and fall 
into your distance...
and the wind is whispering
to the moon
and the muffled sun
is suffering


i run
like yellow on crops
in summer
like green on forests
in spring
like shadows on snow
in winter
the wind withers me
like leaves on a tree
in autumn


across the water
resting your feet
into the icy coldness
of a creek
you are
oh you are
alone 
in darkness bathed
spears of sunshine
not piercing
you being alive
or dead
or immortal
or alone
crestfallen


shadow, 
lingering burden 
no longer do you follow
your master


shoes,
cannon balls
no longer do you thwart
his walk


and where do i belong
in all of these
am i the shoes
in his feet
his shadow
on his back
his sun
on the sky
his moon
in the lake
the flow of
consciousness
at the back of the mind


his smile 
lonely star of night
on obsidian 
unwoven canopy



no
i lain my hair
in dirt
i am the roots
of all dreams
overflowing sea
of burning suns
that do not die
nor live
but exist 
like lies
of white yarn
i do not hurt
i keep him 
all together


sea with sea 
crash together
in a pond
i pour myself
until there's nothing left
my heart
the fog
and all fireflies
burning like
ten thousand suns



i am a harbor.






Saturday 23 May 2015

The Mug

Today I broke my favourite mug. It was stained and old, a little chipped and yellowed by time, but faithful to my thirsty lips, loyal to my broken fingers. But today, even she wanted to walk away. And so it slipped away from my trembling fingers...
I knelt next to it, took it into my hands as broken as it was, not really knowing what to do with the shards that could not be glued back together. Their rough edges looked so desolated and confused, so broken in their porcelain white innocence that tears gushed rives down my cheeks, flooding my lips and chin. They were bitter and salty seas as I tried to see the shards through their foam, they were a thunderstorm in my ears while I tried to hear them turning into dust in my hands. 
And there on the floor I sat, mourning the loss of my mug, away from the maddening world, confined inside my tiny room, breathing out the air that floated in through the open windows. The more I cried, the sleepier I got and soon I fell and fell into thick, warm and liquid darkness, velvet-like oblivion which surrounded me like a shroud. It wasn't scary, it wasn't hard, it wasn't... anything.
I just fell through murmurs and whispers.
I fell and never got up, just like my mug.
And it was a good mug.

Thursday 29 January 2015

My pretty dream

Inside my frustrated and overworked heart, I keep this dream hidden from the eyes of the world. I had it prettily wrapped in pink paper, a red ribbon keeping it all together while the walls of my heart keep resisting under a siege of waves of blades that cut in deep flesh with their dull edges, cracking open wounds that I'm still waiting to transform into ugly scars. But they keep bleeding while I stuff that pretty dream under ruins of ancient remains of a soul that might have lived other lives as well.
I keep no more hope for me. For this world stripped me of all that was pretty and shamed me with my own reflection, forcing me to crawl into the darkness I so hated. And like you peel off a fruit to reach its core in search of its sweetness, I'm peeling my own mind of fears and try to reach the core of it and save whatever is there left to be saved.
And while my walls crack open to reveal my stitched up skeleton, I rush upwards the spiral stairs, scratching my soles in my rush to reach my pretty dream. Now, my sole reason to hang on is this tiny, pink package, to keep its flame burning alive even in the darkest abyss.
My dream is frail. It was born before term and so I know it cannot breathe on its own completely. But as I keep it in my arms and close to my body I somehow hope or maybe wish for it to grow, rip off the pink paper and fly to better skies.
My frail dream sleeps most of the time. 
My dream... will never live on to come true, that I know. And yet, a tiny piece of me looks at it with hopeful eyes while I touch its smoky figure with hungry fingers that seem to have a mind of their own.
My dream, darling dream, when I call out to your murderers to stand for trial, I will be the only one to raise on two and bow down in front of you. And I know you won't see me, for you'll be long gone, but I'll keep remembering the darkness of the guilt.
My dream, darling dream to be one day deeply loved by a man who smiles only at me, showing dimples of kindness and his soul in his eyes, a man like a shelter against all storms... I know you'll die.

Monday 19 January 2015

I see you

I've been sitting, watching, pondering... I've watched eons pass by me in seconds, their light dying like screens of uncharged laptops or some sort of smartphones. I've seen them all and for a second my heart trembled.
For how long have I kept myself hidden from you? For how long have I hid behind statuses of invisibility? Was it a default condition of the heart you left behind with your always offline being? Or was it just a reaction to the queue I've been planted into?
But Earth stopped its usual rotation and went the other way the day I saw you back online. "Hey," you wrote in unearthly dialect, "I think I broke my machine. It keeps buzzing and thuding deep inside, puffing and snorting like an old hag. What do I do now?"
And my fingers trembled upon the keyboard full of stellar dust of all those stars that set upon its keys. "About what? You're talking gibberish again."
It was an instant reaction to... you, I guess. Because no matter how much time it passed, you're you and I'm still the same fool that cannot fall out of love with your online persona.
"About my heart," came your reply, with the same teasing emoticon at the end. 
Bastard! Fool! Ignorant machine... 'cause you must be one on the other side of the screen! How can you ask me about your heart when mine has been paused for so long that it's hardly starting to smarten up?! You're so self-centered that I... "Try plugging it out," I could not give in. "Maybe it needs to die so you can see beyond the screen in front of you."
How many earthly kilometers did I travel to save your soul and found only ashes and a broken window? How many times did my feet gave in to this burden I still carry around no matter if asleep or awake? I stopped counting after it surpassed the infinite. And just so you know, I was so deep in that I saw no way out. I kept sinking and sinking and there was no branch to pull me out of the mud of my blood and tears, while my heart turned to dust in your room. There was the picture of us on your closet's door and there was that stupid, alien costume I wore on my first intergalactic journey I made for you - all evidence of the real you and me. And yet, you were nowhere to be found. Not there, not here, not under that withered palm-tree you just had to plant in your backyard! Your ice-cream was melting on the corner of a desk with no screen on it...
"I took too long, didn't I?" Your DP seemed to mock me with double smiles of a summer that has long froze under a thick layer of snow.
I wanted to be mean and tell you to just please, fuck off. But my fingers stubbornly refused and remained hanging above the keyboard of my foolish heart. "Way too long. Were they out of stellar dust?"
I guess we're alike... you and I, we're too much of fools not to see the truth in each other. I knew you for too long not to anticipate your disappearance. And you know me too well not to come back... eventually.
"I've been roaming around different stars, but they were all out of dust. And you know what I noticed missing?" Your messaged beeped my attention.
"Surprise me, fuck-head!"
"In all this universe, there's no star that has a you. So I had to come back and reclaim my place at the other end of the line. I see you now."
You're indeed a fuck-head! How many times did I tell you this and now you... you just... I give up, you know?!
"I see you," I replied and finally went to bed after eons of standing on guard.

Saturday 17 January 2015

Locked doors

In an enclosed place
With lots of locked doors.
I alone sit in an open space,
My box of secrets scattered,
Unlocked and unsafe...

And still, those who come in
Intrigued by the locked doors
Sit in front of them for hours,
Pass by me, ignore my open self
For the darkness behind the locks.

They come and come,
Crowds of people come and go
And not a single one looks at me
At how I wear myself bare
Of secrets,
Of scars,
Of feelings of disdain. 

How can a locked door
Be more appealing to you
Than I who shows herself like this?
I could take your unimpressed looks
But this ignorance, as if there is no I
As if my open space is just a loop,
A void hole where sight cannot reach...

And I would tell you everything,
Feelings put in words,
Scars in monochrome lights,
If you'd only look at me,
In my eyes...
If only you'd see me,
For who I am
And take this void inside
And fill it with something else
Than bitterness and disappointment.

If only...
But you're just like any other crowd
Aren't you?
You come and go
Only interested in those locked doors.

But there's only darkness locked away
So that I can be safe with only myself.
My monsters, my demons, my howls,
Should I just release them all?
For your entertainment
I'd do it all...