Saturday 19 July 2014

Grow [as human]

Couples are annoying to be around. So sickening sweet it make you want to leave the room and never again step inside there. They're the best at making you feel down, not needed, easy to be replaced, feel that you're the only one that hasn't evolved from the bottom of the food chain. Couples have this strange power to make you angry, clench your fingers around your glass or purse or phone and just curse through you clenched teeth... this or make you look away, embarrassed and just wishing a hole would open under your feet, swallowing you whole.
Couples are the best social torture that there is. That's how I used to think and feel. 
I used to be envious on their smiles and holding hands, on their little gestures that meant so much to them and them only, on the way they had this power to know when the other is around or in need or something, on their undivided attention. 
I used to feel awkward around them and just talk a lot to cover the way I was blushing or feel my heart stinging inside my chest. And then, the awkwardness would transform into anger - why couldn't I have that? Why did it have to be me? Was I really that bad? Where did God hid my luck? 
I used to think their love is disgusting...
Now I realize just how wrong I was. Love is not something that you should hate. Because, as we evolved as human beings, love became harder to find. Yes, there are the occasional relationship and the delusional thinking that we love the other person, but... that's not love. Now, I don't know what love really is or how it feels, if it hurts or if it's some sort of euphoric state of mind, but one thing I do know: love is awesome. And you cannot be envious on it or hate it or consider it disgusting. It's troublesome, yes, to those who are single, but it's not hateful.
I came to realize this with time and after hours of thinking and just analyzing the world around me. Now I can keep my head up and smile to their kisses and hugs, without feeling lonely or unwanted in their presence. Now I can be happy for them and smile at their love story as if I am one of those good people that do only good to others. I'm probably one of the worse people on this planet, but I cannot hate love. For it has its own pace, its own time and its own agenda. I cannot wish for it to hurry, I cannot make it bloom earlier, I cannot feel it until it's not its time.
So, I'll wait. Patiently, I'll focus on becoming a better human and grow healthier beliefs, so that when time comes and love finds me, I will be able of offering more than just my heart with all the scars and battle wounds, but also healthy moral values. And maybe, just maybe this way, my heart won't sting anymore around happy couples and I won't have to fake a smile, but wear a pretty and real one instead.

You need to be happy for their love in order to be happy with yours...

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