Sunday 13 July 2014

Only [human]

I'll stop right here and right now. 
I'll hold in my breath so that I won't feel your scent anymore, I'll close my eyes to stop seeing you, I'll stop moving my lips under yours and deny any touch coming from you.
I'll stop now.
I'll hit my chest with my fist until I'll bruise it in hopes that my heart will actually fail to beat under the hits. If that doesn't happen, I'll open up my chest and unplug my heart, disconnect it from my brain and cease any vital function. And then I'll feed it to the dogs... not that they'll eat it since it's so old and scarred, so hard to chew on the stratified illusions and repeated surgeries. It will probably end up being ball to kids on the streets or maybe on the riverbank or it will roll and hid under the bridge, in a box, shivering in stitches and darkness. Or maybe someone will find it and take care of it, nurture it with pity if not love, clean it from all the dirt that went through all the open wounds, wash away the pain and memories and then give it to someone who really needs it... 'cause I don't really need it.
I'll stop now.
I won't care, I won't feel, I won't see, breathe or taste you like before. You will become gray to me and die, turn to dust and get carried away by the wind. I will no longer give in to you. I'll stay strong and unmoved like a rock, until water will wash all of me away and I will be remembered no more...
I'll stop now.
I'll stop loving you and seeing only you, I'll stop being blind. I'll be once again dark and twisted, sister with the fears and denial, I'll stop smiling blindly, I'll go back to my corner and forget all of me and all of you. I'll mute my plea and become deaf, I'll go searching once again for something that will taste just as sweet as you if not sweeter. I will stop loving you even if it means death to my soul!
I'll stop now and forever shall not find place to nest inside this rib cage of mine. I don't need promises for eternity, nor undying love written on sheets of paper; I don't need diamonds sparkling like the stars or cars or gold or flowers. For I ceased to exist the moment I gave my all and wrapped my soul around your arm. Yes, you took me all: all my body, all my heart and soul, my dreams, my thoughts. You occupied me as a vessel, you took over me like a conqueror takes over dry land - and just like that you ignored the fact that I had a name, a spirit, a life. Now all that's left of me is a mere meat carcass scribbled with nonsensical wishes of death. And they were all for you, love...
So I'll stop now. I'll just leave you behind and when we'll unexpectedly meet at the corner of that flower shop, I won't even look at you, I won't feel you or hear you. You'll be the ghost of my sad past and I'll be living in my self written present. You won't have the power to lure me in once again...
And yes, I will regret you all my life.

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