end of spring

I take a step back and stare at you

you who used to be like my skin

covering my body

so close

now so alien

I take a step back and stare at you

your promises ringing

all those small and quiet words

flowing...

all lies

I take a step and stare at you

you who seem to have forgotten

of me

I guess we're seasonal

and like flowers do,

bound to wither...

now that spring is almost gone

you too have left me

uprooted 

so I take a step back and look at you

one last time

friend...

u

forgive my unworthy self

for reaching for you

i bear your slap

like a warrior his wounds

i wrap it in bloody laps

but the burn just won't go away

from my heart

these pills

happy pills

will bring a new tomorrow

when today is nothing but mud

at the bottom of a pool

these pills

if i were to swallow

i think they'd make you happy

knowing i left

drifted to another self

these pills

will make you master

while i'll fall in disgrace

like flowers from a sick tree

i will not finish my blooming

these pills

will build me a ladder 

to all skies if i reach

wouldn't make me happier

than having left you behind

in this silence i know

you are but a shadow

the road is wide enough

for us to pass

shoulder by shoulder

and as you brush past me

i'll see your back

and stars will all dawn

but at least i'll be alone

with only myself

and i do not call out the darkness of mind

him

seek me through the grass

and adorn me with light

and silvery kisses.

i am long asleep

laying on my bed

rocked by a sea of dreams

and arms

and arms

and arms

and i dream of you

of you and you

and nothing else but you.

the road is long

and there's no flower

and no sun

to keep me breathing

while i follow you 

across the sea

across the universe

across all stars...

your footsteps are too big

for my worn out shoes

and i fear

your shadow is too dense

for me to breathe

through its smoke

the wind is singing

a love song

all flowers bending

in my dream where you

oh you

you smile so dearly

your back

oh your back

is now turned on me

i run

like crashing waves

and fall 

into your distance...

and the wind is whispering

to the moon

and the muffled sun

is suffering

i run

like yellow on crops

in summer

like green on forests

in spring

like shadows on snow

in winter

the wind withers me

like leaves on a tree

in autumn

across the water

resting your feet

into the icy coldness

of a creek

you are

oh you are

alone 

in darkness bathed

spears of sunshine

not piercing

you being alive

or dead

or immortal

or alone

crestfallen

shadow, 

lingering burden 

no longer do you follow

your master

shoes,

cannon balls

no longer do you thwart

his walk

and where do i belong

in all of these

am i the shoes

in his feet

his shadow

on his back

his sun

on the sky

his moon

in the lake

the flow of

consciousness

at the back of the mind

his smile 

lonely star of night

on obsidian 

unwoven canopy

no

i lain my hair

in dirt

i am the roots

of all dreams

overflowing sea

of burning suns

that do not die

nor live

but exist 

like lies

of white yarn

i do not hurt

i keep him 

all together

sea with sea 

crash together

in a pond

i pour myself

until there's nothing left

my heart

the fog

and all fireflies

burning like

ten thousand suns

i am a harbor.

I see you

I've been sitting, watching, pondering... I've watched eons pass by me in seconds, their light dying like screens of uncharged laptops or some sort of smartphones. I've seen them all and for a second my heart trembled.

For how long have I kept myself hidden from you? For how long have I hid behind statuses of invisibility? Was it a default condition of the heart you left behind with your always offline being? Or was it just a reaction to the queue I've been planted into?

But Earth stopped its usual rotation and went the other way the day I saw you back online. "Hey," you wrote in unearthly dialect, "I think I broke my machine. It keeps buzzing and thuding deep inside, puffing and snorting like an old hag. What do I do now?"

And my fingers trembled upon the keyboard full of stellar dust of all those stars that set upon its keys. "About what? You're talking gibberish again."

It was an instant reaction to... you, I guess. Because no matter how much time it passed, you're you and I'm still the same fool that cannot fall out of love with your online persona.

"About my heart," came your reply, with the same teasing emoticon at the end. 

Bastard! Fool! Ignorant machine... 'cause you must be one on the other side of the screen! How can you ask me about your heart when mine has been paused for so long that it's hardly starting to smarten up?! You're so self-centered that I... "Try plugging it out," I could not give in. "Maybe it needs to die so you can see beyond the screen in front of you."

How many earthly kilometers did I travel to save your soul and found only ashes and a broken window? How many times did my feet gave in to this burden I still carry around no matter if asleep or awake? I stopped counting after it surpassed the infinite. And just so you know, I was so deep in that I saw no way out. I kept sinking and sinking and there was no branch to pull me out of the mud of my blood and tears, while my heart turned to dust in your room. There was the picture of us on your closet's door and there was that stupid, alien costume I wore on my first intergalactic journey I made for you - all evidence of the real you and me. And yet, you were nowhere to be found. Not there, not here, not under that withered palm-tree you just had to plant in your backyard! Your ice-cream was melting on the corner of a desk with no screen on it...

"I took too long, didn't I?" Your DP seemed to mock me with double smiles of a summer that has long froze under a thick layer of snow.

I wanted to be mean and tell you to just please, fuck off. But my fingers stubbornly refused and remained hanging above the keyboard of my foolish heart. "Way too long. Were they out of stellar dust?"

I guess we're alike... you and I, we're too much of fools not to see the truth in each other. I knew you for too long not to anticipate your disappearance. And you know me too well not to come back... eventually.

"I've been roaming around different stars, but they were all out of dust. And you know what I noticed missing?" Your messaged beeped my attention.

"Surprise me, fuck-head!"

"In all this universe, there's no star that has a you. So I had to come back and reclaim my place at the other end of the line. I see you now."

You're indeed a fuck-head! How many times did I tell you this and now you... you just... I give up, you know?!

"I see you," I replied and finally went to bed after eons of standing on guard.

Echo

I look back and realize we cut all ties - no words were said, we just called it one day and that's how it remained till now. And it wasn't a month or a year we left behind, but more than five years we left behind just like that, becoming strangers with just a snap of fingers.

I said some things, I said a lot of stuff which I regret now. But how should I say that I was just a hurt kid, who felt left behind and abandoned all of a sudden? How should I stop you now on street and tell you, ask for an explanation? I know I have no excuse for the way I cut the ties, but the wound you gave me - I'm still bearing it's mark like a tattoo I still cannot erase...

Call me melancholic, but how can I forget all those summers spent laughing in the sun, all those warm nights wasted on boys talks and singing alongside nation's most loved artist of the moment? They're deeply engraved in my heart, they make me compare every happy moment to what I had back then, wandering, if that was happiness, what am I feeling now?

We used to be there for each other - what happened? I cannot wonder if it wasn't my fault, my hypersensitivity, my flaws that broke everything... I admit it now: I felt betrayed, I felt abandoned, 'cause weren't you supposed to stand by my side no matter what, till the end of time? Wasn't that what we pictured, what we imagined, what we wished for us? And while I standing still, you moved, one step at a time, further and further away from my reach.

You know I am melancholic by nature and cannot stop but miss the past, when we were kids and everything used to be so simple to say and show. Now, I can't even say what I bear in mind and heart, 'cause I fear of sounding ridiculous or extremely cheesy or being misunderstood once again. So I'll put it down here and preserve everything in words that maybe one day - one day I'll be able to show them to you with a sincere smile, without fearing of your reaction.

I'm sorry and I miss you.

I chose to be your friend with my heart and took a liking in you with all my heart. There was no play-pretend in my friendship, no hidden reasons, no false pretenses. My smiles were sincere, my awkward supportive words were true, my tears were there even though you couldn't see them when everything turned to dust. I valued your friendship more than anything else. I trusted you enough to tell you all my secrets and thoughts and genuinely imagined the day we'd be old and gray-haired and sit in chairs under summery sun, reminiscing about our childhood... I guess now everything died.

I wanted you to know - my sincerity, everything, I held you on the highest pedestal in my heart and I don't regret ever having to meet you despite my present awkwardness.

Thank you, dear friend, for giving me such great memories.

I'm sorry, dear friend, that we became strangers like that.

And I'm missing you, dear friend.

Just wanted you to know that even now, the days we spent together back then echo back from time to time...

We want a man. THE man.

"I want someone to love me for who I am." - One of the most heard phrases I heard spoken by single women, myself included. Because, let's be honest here, we all want someone who'd play well with our demons, someone who'd play the role of pure and bright light when surrounded by our darkness, someone who'd give and give, a never ending mine of sunshine. We women want - no, let me put it other way, we think and need to think that we deserve such a person after going through the hardships of being 12 months out of 12 "forever alone".

Well, let me tell you my conclusion after having a more than pleasant get-together with childhood friends: bullshit! And on a larger scale, I'd say we all say big fat lies to the others, ourselves included (well, at least I realized that's what I was doing all this time). We don't want someone who's quiet and soothes our forever bleeding wounds of past loneliness and bloody wars with persons we were too scared of leaving out of principle or out of fear of remaining just another face in the female population crowd that has been dumped/is still single. We don't wish for a man that would never ask who called or would take no interest in that next-door-looking guy that seemed to have his eyes linger on our bottom a second longer than necessary. We're incapable of imagining the rest our life next to someone who brings home puppies and books, does laundry and always remembers to put down the toilet seat. And we certainly won't get along with a man that knows when to remain silent or throw all of himself at our feet.

But then, what do we want?

Let me put this down, wait for it, wait for it... We women, no matter what men think, we're not complicate at all. Most of us want to be taken as deep and give off the wrong signals, when in fact we act on base instinct and, just like the big cats out in the savanna, we go for the big, fierce alpha-man. Money in both his pockets and bank? Sure. A shiny, flashy car, Italian branded that sounds like a purring cat? Nice. Sun-glasses like the stars from Hollywood? Not a must-to-have item, but if possessed brings a plus. Hair styled at a saloon? Mrrr! Facial hair tamed and trimmed perfectly? Double 'mrrrrrr'! But above all mentioned before, we're more likely to fall for his polished macho-ness, for the way he knows his way in and out of a flirtatious moment, for his grande stature that seems to have brought Greek statues to life, for the way he's capable of pulling a night long of intellectual talks and at the same time can completely go into random mood, whispering nonsense like "You're cuter with each day that goes by!" (admit it ladies, it might not make you feel comfortable, but deep inside is tugging on secret strings that we both know should be better taken care of). We'll fall for the big, flashy diamond ring he'll put on our finger with the smooth move of a cat that got her pray. There won't necessary be a  knee on the floor, or a  violin making us go all teary and close to fainting in anticipation, or a romantic scene whatsoever. But he will state that he wants you for an eternity and you'll see that passion in his burning eyes (he would have to put aside his celebrity-like sun-glasses for a little bit) and we'll roll with that.

We women like to fight no matter what we say, so we need a partner in crime, a man to fit the role and throw back the right words on the right tone, a man to be aware of his power and never throw at us anything else but a flower (mind the thorns if it's a rose, please). We like to hold grudges and blackmail our partners, so we need someone who's good at teasing us. We like to consider ourselves powerful and almighty, but turn into scared cats when we hear noises in the night, so we need a man with the power of hundreds to tuck is in beds and act as hugging bears until the morning when we'll kick his ass to work.

We want power and refuse to surrender, so we need to be seduced every single day by a lover with experience and eyes that can imply the most perverted fantasies through just a glance over the shoulder at a party. We need a man who'd act like a man does and make us go furiously mad (yes, those terms can go together, you know) over little things like that darn toilet seat, but when it comes to a western like confrontation, he'd know how to play wounded to death and make us take him back with hiccups and crocodile tears.

So, what do we women want? It's actually simple: a man, THE man. Kittens and tall constitution, kissing techniques that can make us tremble on two, intuition in when to play dead and warmth. We need someone with angels willing to lower themselves and play with our demons.

"We need someone who would take us as we are."

Oops! Did I kind of contradict everything I said above?!

XOXO

Tints

I've been ill for quite some time now. Cold and trembling, merely breathing, dragging my feet across the floor only to reach the limit of my squared life and turn around just to make the same journey backwards. I should know that there's no room for giving up... not now when I came so close to grabbing it - that ray of light silently knocking at my window each day at the same hour.

When it first appeared, it scared the shit out of me to be sincere. It was all yellowish with tints of orange and red - a whole rainbow caught in a droplet of light! And the way the glass warmed up my cold, sweaty forehead... Nothing was the same afterwards! I came back day after day, dragging my legs for hours just to see that for a couple of seconds.

But then the clouds came, my illness made me feel cold and too tired all of a sudden to even open my head. And so I remained pinned in my suffering, angrily building forts of darkness to prepare myself for what seemed to watch over me with every second that passed by - Death. 

And then you came along and nothing was the same anymore. You brought light where darkness had nested, you planted flowers where the ground was dead and dried and watered them with your tears, giving them nothing but lullabies and gentle smiles. And you held my hand when I was all gray and cold, stony figure laying on a bed of fresh and poisonous ivy. You weren't scared of my dirty looks, my sharp tongue or of me trying to escape your gentle grip. You remained despite my cursing and begging. You stayed still and just hushed me back to sleep when the rain would force my darkness out. You - you were my light, my hope, my ultimate colour. With you by my side I could have coloured the entire world and there would have still remained enough paint to glue my skin back to my flesh and my bones all back together.

You - you were my salvation. For when I was gray, you were red, when I was just about to give in to my darkness, you brightened up my fear with tints of pink and when I was this close to just give up on everything, you held me next your golden heart. And nothing was the same...

And now you're down, running out of light and colour, holding tightly onto me, hoping for that small ray of light at the window. So I'll be your guiding hand, your light, your colour. I'll paint your life in bright colours and just a patch of blue of my own, for you gave up on yourself just to bring me back to life. You helped me find my colour when everything was hopeless - you gave me my blue. So now, when you're running out of your brightest colours, allow me to stay by your side and make the same journey back and forth until you finally gain your faith back.

I love you, don't you ever forget that...

Beautiful Life

Lime green.

Deep, sky blue.

A pair of flats.

Shorts.

A stained t-shirt.

And ice-cream.

You're sitting one arm away from me, looking up at the sky, probably wishing to be on one of those white planes that leave a white trail behind them as they mark the sky with whitish towards gray stripes. And you wish you would be there while I wish I'd just be closer to you. So close that I would get to hear your heart beat, so close that I would feel your perfume invading my lungs, so close that you would have to look down to look into my eyes, 'cause you're just as tall as I imagined.

I was always the black cat with a naughty desire to change the world, to make them all see the sky before the night ends.

You on the other side, were the white dove, the messenger of peace, the one that brought hope above the doomed ones, while I was the curse, the one with the bad luck. But I wished for you, you know? I wished to have you between my paws, to touch your feathers and feel their softness, to understand the reason you love blue while I love green, to see your green eyes with my blue ones, to touch the bare skin of your soles and follow in your footsteps before the water washed them away, finding your trail from me.

I was the daring one while you always hid behind your solitude. But maybe I was too damn green to understand your blues, so I just went ahead and hugged you from behind, burying my nose in your white shirt, sniffing your skin through its texture. Talking about being shameless!

Oh dear, love is out and calling your name, can't you hear it?

Despite me being still wishful that one day you'd stretch your arm and let me join you as your black soulmate, the one that has been wandering around for too long, it's such a sad situation that I got you to chase after, my life is still beautiful. 'Cause I'm in love with you and it's something permanent, something that cannot be damaged by time, distance, broken promises or forgotten vows.

I love deep sky blue.

You seem to have a thing for lime green.

We're both young and amazingly steady on this rotating ground.

Ice-cream.

Two pair of shoes.

The cat and the white dove...

Three 'Dudettes': To Infinity and Beyond!

"Yeah."

"Dudette, where the fuck are you?!"

"Sleeping... what do you want at this hour?!"

"At this hour?! It's freakin' 2pm! Why are you sleeping at this hour?"

"Speak fast 'cause I might fall asleep."

"Right... oh, oh! We should meet tomorrow like we usually do. We go get the donuts and the pretzels without rushing since the teacher ain't coming for first class."

"Oh, fine. One day I can sleep like a normal person without waking up with the sunrise and that's when you're in mood for morning walks. Fine, I'll be there. Meet you at 6:30 in the bus station..."

Hey, Dudette!

So, September's here, huh? Already, huh? And to think that this time last year we were crying for more holidays days 'cause summer seemed to have flown by us without much happening. And school would start and no more sleeping till late, no more meetings at work, no more planning pick up lines for the hunks we were so sure we'd meet as soon as we'd go back to 'prison'.

And look at us now, all grown up, preparing for uni and we don't even know what awaits for us ahead. Or at least, I don't LOL.

So, September, huh? It's strange knowing that school starts on the 16th and we won't be there to buy flowers and just, you know, be excited for what we'll hate an entire year. I never thought I'd say this, but I wish we could go back to being simple high schooler for just one more day... or a year if you think that I'm feeling really down right now because of uni housing... The song from 'Liceenii' wasn't so wrong after all? But who would have thought that when everything was building up hatefully in front of me?

Anyway, thanks, dudette! For what you ask? Well, for being my friend, my desk mate, for taking my bullshit and throwing rock at me now and then, for listening to my k-spazz, for letting me copy your French homework, for sharing your food with me, for sharing your water with me, for letting me doodle your copybooks, for letting me drag you to the Copy Center just because well, I was kind of crushing on the guy there? 

Hehehehe. 

Yeah, big thanks for being my best friend, dudette! 

Let's stay best friends even when we'll have families on our own and let's make our kids hand out even if they hate it, just because we remember how evil we used to be in high school.

And let's remember that we were plain stupid and falling on corridors, that we used to stalk guys and hate teachers. Let's make our children be super geniuses and hide them just how dorky we were together when we'd spill nonsense to everyone who had ears to hear us out.

Let's just be awesome in the future as well!

Ain't this awkward, hehehe...

***

"Let's meet for a pizza."

"Alright?"

"My cousin is coming as well with a friend. Behave."

"You know I hate your cousin. I hate him to the guts! We almost fist fought last time we met. Do you want blood to be spilled?! What friend are you?!"

"He'll behave. You behave as well!"

"I can't promise you anything if he steps on my tail though..."

"Behaaaave~~~"

Hey there, Dudette?

If we weren't that close this past year, I'm blaming on your stupid phone and stupid phone network, you know? Why didn't you bought a prepay? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Nevermind that now.

So, you and I are going away in the pretty much same direction, huh? Aren't you scared at all? 'Cause I'm shitting my pants every time I think about sharing my room with two other persons... I mean, you know I hate people and that people hate me because I'm loud and obnoxious, I always find something to brag about, I get easily pissed off and am a total bipolar persons.

Why can't you be one of my roommates?! 'Cause you'd definitely practice some karate moves on me or something like that and send me to sleep instantly. Or maybe you could bribe me with your grandma's cookies (say thanks from me, by the way)... I wish you could come with me, dear.

Yeah, dear, when will we meet? How? Hope you'll come home in October 'cause I'm turning 19 unlike other elders around here...

Anyhow, thanks, dudette!

For what?

Well, I wrote all that in the year book, but once again, thanks for putting up with the difficult me all this time. And thanks for always being kind even when I would annoy the crap out of you and for taking care of me, for hugging me when you know I hate physical approach, for being disgustingly sweet, for learning all the curses from us, for not minding me being evil around you, for taking my side or for kicking my sides from time to time. Grazie for all of that and for all the others you know and won't be mentioned here!

You're awesome! And stay like that, alright?

And thanks for reading my stories and giving me awesome feedback, making me fangirl over you! Thanks for being like that - true to yourself no matter what.

So, let's meet over year with the other dudette and our kids and make them take crap from us without them knowing how crazy and incredible funny/stupid we used to be as a trio. Let's make them suffer and be brilliant while we were just average, but still happy. Let's make them be best friends like we are. I promise to marry my boy with your daughter if that matters LOL I'll marry my girl with the other dudette's boy, 'cause a if she was to be a man, I swear to you she would have been something to stick to like glue LOL

So, bye but not forever, ok?

Let's meet often and keep in touch in the future as well, no matter where we'll be (promise to haunt you two if I die before time ^.~)

***

'Cause we were that super trio that managed to scare the 'Be my ghost.'...