Monday 14 July 2014

Licensed to kill

I am a licensed liar.
I was born out of a lie and from my first word till now, everything was a lie. I lied shamelessly, I lied continuously, I breathe and eat lies from dusk to dawn.
The way I met him was a lie - a sunny day full of laughter and butterflies crumbles now in front of me. The whole imaginary puzzle is defective now that I admit it out loud that it was all a game of lies which built an empire of dirt and false truth.
The way I loved was a lie as well - reality is like a tennis racquet that hits you in the face when you expect less, sending balls and pieces of consciousness right at you. I loved only with my surface, only with my mind, keeping my heart under an invisible lock, giving the impression I was genuine, that I was truthful with my words. But I was taming my heart instead, letting the brain pick what truth to send out.
The way I dressed was a lie - layers and layers to cover my scars, to squeeze my curves, to break my bones, to make me look taller, to make me look desirable, to make me look like a Barbie. Thick layers to lie to the eyes, to hide my true self and keep my heart safe.
The way I walked was yet another lie - swaying my body, luring the spirits, setting fire to the water when all I wanted was to walk faster and faster, run away and stop only when the moon is full in the middle of the desert.
What have I become? How did all end up like this?
I took everything and gave nothing. I raised an empire of dirt, and put heart by heart till I built a wall taller than the tower of Babel. And no powerful entity threw lightning at me, I did not fell nor did it crumble over me, crushing me with waves of tears and blood. I asked for sincerity and I gave nothing but false truth, a facade built to impress... and I killed thousands, millions of feelings, choked them in their crib.
There is no real motive for my deeds. There's no explanation, no way of offering myself an excuse. I did what I did, knowing that everyone I know goes away in the end. No one stays, no one cares, so why should I? So I killed their feelings before they could kill mine, scarred them for life before they could give me deep cuts like those I received before.
Beneath the stains of time, I am still myself, still innocent... but my lies I cannot erase, I cannot hide or untell. They've grown into a forest of webs, deceived and tore heart after heart. If I could turn back time, I would keep myself buried in the ground, head underwater and lips sawn with heavy wire. And then I'd be the innocent one burn on the pyre and you could have it all, my empire of dirt, my crown of thorns, my liars' chair.
But my broken thoughts cannot be repaired and if I am to admit everything I'll say it out loud: I am a liar to the core, deceiving hearts and myself as well. I am licensed to kill after all...

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