Monday 21 July 2014

Save me

Yesterday I lost my faith in humanity. Before yesterday I used to think there is a slight chance for us to improve, for us to become better, for us to be a little kinder to those around. But now I see the truth - we screwed up somewhere along the human evolution. We lost the capacity to be objective over a strange kind of selfishness and rage that's specific to wild animals.
Apparently, nothing I do is ever good enough. Apparently the word "student" and the status it brings within society is nowadays perceived as an insult. The fact that I went to one of the best high schools in my city and was a good student is no good. Not to talk about the fact that I actually got a place in one of the best universities in my country - no, that's shameful to even be mentioned! No matter what I do, no matter how much I struggle, no matter how hard I try to be better in what I do and better as a whole human being, I am judged by the fact that I hang around with younger people and don't have a boyfriend. Yes, in the eyes of my bullies, I am a social loser...
I know people don't like reading about bad stuff happening and tend to give more importance to happy thoughts. But bullying is part of our every day life, people. We shouldn't treat it lightly. As a kid I put up with it most of the times, until I found a way out of the vicious circle. And I was good once I was out. As a kid, I think you can deal a little better with the stress and everything. But as a young adult, what are you supposed to do when put in such a situation? I got so mad that I swore and I was seen as a hooligan. I told them to back off, 'cause no one has the right to treat me this way and I was labeled as an impolite girl. I then tried to keep my horses and explained why I did what I did and was almost hit by a fist. And when I told the thing - it cannot be called human - to crawl back from where it came because I do not care about its opinion, the "alpha male" appeared and the way he yelled at me made me gulp. Now, I should have just flipped my bird and walk away, but no, 'cause I thought at least he would be more rational. But he yelled at me and I almost got hit again. Yay for humans like that bastard! So I gave him a "talk to the hand" and walked away as quickly as I could, not sure I could keep my head up anymore. The way they insulted me... it made me feel like a maggot. In their eyes, the fact that I had gotten where I wanted was not important. No. I should have brought back a super fabulous  boyfriend that would shit money and spit gold to be able to impress them. I should have probably have already two or three kids and still live with my parents. Or maybe I should have just failed all the finals in the 12th grade and be an ill-mannered shop assistant. Maybe in those situations they would have felt proud enough with what they did with their life to leave me the fuck alone. So yeah, sorry for being nothing but a plain girl that minds her own business and tries to achieve something in this life!
But I'm none of those they wish, so they found their way to pick on me. And I gave in to their words. I should have just flipped my bird and walk away. But I got affected and I cried my eyes out as soon as I locked the door behind me. I cried so much that I scared my mom over the phone. I cried until I transformed into a little Joker with all the mascara running down my cheeks. I cried and felt like the lowest human being on this planet. I cried because I was angry and because I was scared - c'mon, I am just a girl after all and being threatened with a fist cannot be taken lightly! And even now, 24h later, I am still affected by their words while they probably are soundly asleep in their beds. Gosh, sometimes I wish I could hurt people so badly that it would be impossible for them to ever recover! And to think that my bullies are calling themselves grown-up... fuck growing up if it means turning in a wild beast! Fuck being thirty or forty and senseless!
Why do we even grow up?
I want to go back to being a kid.
I need to go back and find myself a different path as far away from these idiots as possible!
Or even better, never be born into this world... 'cause here, nobody can save humanity any longer.

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