Thursday 10 July 2014

Holding demons

I think it happened on a rainy Tuesday evening... or was it on Wednesday? Anyway, what matters is that it happened during a rainy evening. I was just about to step out in the summer rain, my rain coat tightly wrapped around my shivering body. I was wearing a smile because inside my mind it was sunny - sunny and warm and wind was blowing from the sea, bringing salty drops on my skin. I was still smiling when I saw her: a mere silhouette, a mere presence in between the crowd, so dizzy and small she could have been easily carried off by the mere blowing wind. 
Her hair - a complete mess of rebellious curls.
Her lips - bloody and scrapped, moving continuously, whispering one she knew what.
Her fingers - holding tight on a bottle full of whiskey.
She was a lost one, an unfortunate event the crowd didn't preoccupy itself with. So I shrugged her off my mind as well and went on my way. Until those cold finger grabbed my wrist and forced me to look deeply in her eyes. Eyes that had seen the worse, eyes that were swimming in tears, eyes that were showing the wild sparkle of a spirit that didn't knew how to lose. And when she dragged me away on the dark alley, the world stopped moving all of a sudden and I went back in time.
There I was, young and smiling, celebrating my 18th birthday. A chaos of a party with demons screaming from bottles of whiskey and gin and burning cigars, with speakers screaming profanities out loud, inviting to orgies, tempting even the weak me to give in to the darkness that came smiling at me, wrapped in smoke and dirty colours. And then I woke up in someone else's bed, wearing someone else's clothes, being someone I didn't even recognize...
As I watched my young self looking around all confused, the image changed into another one: me inside the OR, screaming my pain, cursing my fate, calling for my mother during labor. I was almost 19 and almost a mother.
And then she showed me the years that passed by in what seemed an eternity: late hours working, late hours partying, a child waiting at home with scared eyes, flinching at only the sound of my voice, a child that would cover my body with his own blanket and look over me as I slept on the floor. And no matter how badly I treated him, that child never left my side. He grew up wearing old clothes and sometimes barefooted and still gave his best out there. To him the world meant nothing if I wasn't happy.
Until one rainy day when we fought and I started crying, wishing out loud he wouldn't exist. And with a happy smile on his lips, he said "I know. I'm sorry. I love you." and went away. Next day I found his body hanging from the ceiling and a note stuck in his cold and rigid hand: "Now you can start all over again.".
"I spent his love and left him broke, hadn't I?" 
But only rain could answer to me. Rain and a warm hand holding mine.
"Are you ok, mommy?" His doe eyes checked my complexion.

Yes, I saw her on a rainy day. She was wild, she was rebellious and she defied every law in this Universe to come show me that I carried inside more demons than all Hell. And she got rid of them for me. Now I can wear flowers in my hair and white dresses and hold my child properly. Maybe I'm not the best, maybe I'll never be, but at least I am trying. Are you striking for a better you?
Yes, it was definitely raining on that Friday...

"I regret nothing."

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