It's you

But you got to know this: my taciturn self is only screaming in psychotic struggles to escape you and your eyes. Yes, this is my confession of madness, my admission into a personal Hell I will never escape from... because you're there, always there, always there, presence of spirit and flesh, my utmost thirst, my lone crave for dangerous, maniac like company. It's you, you, you and you only. It's you and...

Your moves are fluid and your fingers seem to be chains of flying butterflies, keeping me trapped in this insanity, the forever darkness of my own mind.

Your scent is like an eternal flame burning the floor when I just want to lie down and shut down all these machines inside of me forever. Forever... but your flame keeps me moving, keeps me dancing, dangling my chains after me.

Your eyes looking away from me are more than any punishment Heaven could have bestowed on me for being born in this skin, trapped in this meat case. If there's no you, there can't be any other, so I'll struggle with all these bones and rip them to pieces if I have to... just don't look away.

And then your lips - a sweet smelling rose in full bloom is a decaying corpse. Full and with the corners always twirled in one or another form of mocking smile is carnage, silent torment for the weaklings like me that cannot touch you, cannot approach you, that can only dream of your darkness scattered in the wind. And sweet and poisonous and filled with thorns are they. But that can't keep me away from deliriously wishing to sink my teeth in your bottom lip and suck its death into me. Release me from my chains...

Your touch - whips and scratches against my bruised skin. And yet I let you continue your way down my hand, 'cause I know the pain can be erased only with pain and that there's no such thing as mercy in our little dark corner where only the devil can creep in without feeling insulted by the profanity of our blind Oblivion. 

You make no sense with your sweet lies and we both know your time is limited. So lay me down on sheets of solitude, strip me of all inhibition and look at me and only at me, see the soul screaming in me, see the claws scratching my throat in front of your every day betrayal, confide into my reverse flowing tears and trust they would never tell on you. And we'd finally be together.

Silence is overflowing from your shyness and I can only sharpen my claws on the smile in your eyes. Black blood flows through our veins and yet you do not see it - you'll never see it. The more you approach me, the more my chains of butterflies strangle me, cover me in soft and silky dust - you're the demon of my own insanity and you've come to take me, now I know.

But before we go anywhere, let me have that soft kiss, 'cause there ain't nobody in this maze to love you like I do.

Lunafly Concert Review

This review contains personal opinions!

Concert rating: 10!/10

An introduction of the group: Lunafly is a South Korean trio consisting of Sam (leader, vocalist), Teo (vocalist) and Yun (main vocalist, maknae). The boys are signed under Nega Network, the same company as Brown Eyed Girls and the rookie group, LC9, but compared to their seniors and hoobaes, Lunafly is not your ordinary k-pop group, as the trio sings and plays instruments like a real band (Sam - guitar, Yun - guitar, Teo - keyboard, drum, guitar). 

The trio debuted almost 2 years ago and its popularity is still raising, mostly outside of Korea through its numerous covers released through an youtube channel, but also through its original songs, which they usually release in both Korean and English, making its music more accessible to international fans.

The summer of 2014 marked the beginning of their first world tour that began in Latin America and continued with European countries. During their concert in Bucharest, Romania, Sam announced the release of their next song "Can I Kiss You?" which will apparently be an English track.

The impression: Lunafly is not the first k-group that marks Romania on its concert map. LedApple was the first to heat up the stage back in February, concert which gathered fans from different European countries in a number of almost 2,000. Lunafly's concert sold out with both VIP and Fan Sign tickets and when the fans finally stopped pouring through the open doors, there were more than 500 fans anxiously waiting for the boys to go up the stage. Yes, we were few in numbers, but the atmosphere was that of a rock concert, of that I assure you!

The whole event debuted through a hanbok (traditional Korean clothing) presentation, continuing with a dance number performed by a Romanian girl group (sincerely, those girls failed to impress me; seriously girls, get your moves in sync first!), the boys stepping on the stage at 8:20 PM (they were scheduled to enter at 8:30).

But leaving aside the actual concert for now, I'll talk about the fans and the atmosphere. Some (please note that I deliberately said SOME!) of the fans left me speechless in the most negative way. I did not expect certain things to be seen/said/heard at/during such an event! I hope/wish that the next concert will reunite more suitable fans or at least the fans will understand where they did wrong and make sure they do not repeat the same mistakes. Seriously, some of the fans made me wonder if that's how the whole k-pop fandom is (no wonder we're called the worse fans)! And not to mention that when I first began listening to k-pop everything was so civilized... back then, k-pop wasn't just a "phase". But right now, I don't know. One thing is for sure: it makes me wish I could hide k-pop from everyone and keep it just to me and those from my generation... I sound old and cranky now, ain't I?^^' Still 19, peeps, still 19!

But the atmosphere... WOW! just WOW! Now, have you ever been to a rock concert? Like, Bon Jovi for example? Have you ever heard the whole crowd singing along with the performing artist? So loud that the artist himself had to scream to cover the crowd? Well, that's how it was here! We all sang along Lunafly, be the songs in English or Korean. We sang with them, chanted their names, the group name, screamed "I love you!" in both languages, laughed with them and when Sam announced their break, we reluctantly let them go change their outfits, kind of afraid they might leave just like that. Crazy, huh? They took a break of 20 minutes and then the show went on, with them wearing casual clothes and prepared for what was going to be the most impressing part of the concert: a Romanian song sang by all of them from the beginning to the very end. Sincerely, if I weren't already their fans, they would have won me then and there! The way they sung "Immortals (ro: Nemuritori)" in Romanian, their pronunciation and the way they jumped off the stage, jumping and cheering, making me feel that they were one of us - man, there's no way of explaining that in words! But it was the highlight of the concert for sure!

Otherwise, they sang all of my favourite songs: "I'm Yours" (Jason Mraz cover), "As Long As You Love Me" (JB cover), California King Bed (Rihanna cover), "Wake Me Up" (Avicii cover), "Fly to Love" (original song), "Special Guy" (original song) and by the end of the concert, I was crying (on the inside, too damn proud to manifest my fangirl feels in public) of happiness while heading to the fan sign event.

The autograph session was another thing I expected ever since I got my ticket! To see one of your biases face to face and tell him a word or two, to have him look at you and make you feel he's seeing only you, even if it's for 5 seconds - that's something only fans can understand! The boys were clearly tired ('cause by the end of the concert, poor Yun had to bend to make the right sound come out and Sam's voice had gone all hoarse), but they still smiled and waved while passing through the crowd of fans, heading for the room where the autographs were going to be given. One more point for them! And then the fans began going in and coming out all smiles, hugging each other and all! Gosh! And then I went in and got to look into Sam's eyes and stutter in front of him when he asked me if I had fun (ok, I didn't stutter and I assured him that I had the time of my life, to which he said, "Good! 'Cause I had the time of my life as well!", cheesy, right?!), smile at Teo's silliness when he clearly signaled who's autograph was that by making two dots above his head on the picture and lose all my words in front of Yun's perfect smile (ok, I didn't lose my words, 'cause I told him "Yun, you've got a wonderful voice!", to which he replied with a shy smile "Really?! Thank you!" - I wish I had the guts to use my Korean though...booo!) and before I knew it, I was out and gone... *sigh* I know that these kind of things don't last long because there are a lot of fans and all, but this time their staff was cool and smiling, while the Romanian staff was the worse. They didn't let Sam receive my letter directly and made me leave it on the table only to throw it later in a box. The disappointment was probably clear in my eyes, 'cause Sam assured me he's read it later (really, thank you Sam! It's ok even if you don't read it, 'cause you probably receive a lot of them and I... heck, I didn't even know what to write in there >///<). But yeah, the Romanian staff was really bad and disrespectful. Hope that next time they'll at least be politer!

The boys:

Sam - He is the sweetest and the most sarcastic, cynic member of the trio! But I still like him! He was my bias even before they debuted (I kind of know him before Lunafly's debut :P) and still is... sort of, kind of... you'll see why later^^' But this man, I love his English! I love his accent and the way he pushes the other members to speak English more and more. He spoke little Korean and talked to the fans the most, responding to the crowd screams and keeping the fire burning. I swear that he loves teasing his fans the most and he himself is teased the most by no other than the evil maknae, Yun darling (he was called old like the songs they cover, old like a grandpa). He even tried his hand on Romanian and it made my heart tingle when he said "You're beautiful" in Romanian or "I love you. or when he sang "Immortals". I really appreciate his effort and thank you for being such an awesome leader of Lunafly and a wonderful person nonetheless!

The part which I loved the most was when he pretended not to understand Korean when the fans asked him to do "귀요미 (Gwiyomi Song)"... silly leader, refusing to act cute!^^

Teo - Officially, he's the craziest of them all! And he's the one that kept us all on track when the cheering would go too loud! This man is incapable of staying serious for too long and got to say that his easy-going attitude could succeed in making you laugh even if you're the most serious person on Earth's surface! Where to put that he sings, plays the keyboards, the drums AND the guitar! He's really nice and special, fitting perfectly in Lunafly! 

What I like about Teo is not the fact that he's handsome or that he looks super with short hair, or his voice, or the fact that he knows how to make the crowd scream at the top of the lungs, but the fact that despite his English not being the best, he tried his best to reach out to us and kept talking, not minding his mistakes (he's truly a language genius, really! should have heard him talking in 7 or so impossible to pronounce languages!). So, for doing your best, thank you, Teo!

Yun - He is special, I swear he is! He's kind of, sort of my bias over Sam (but shhhhh! his crazy fans scared me off, so this is off the record, ok? don't tell them, 'cause I don't want anyone chasing me with an ax^^') and he deserves that place. Why? Well, one - I love his shy personality (it makes me wish I'd be able to meet him while he'd be a normal person and not who he is today; trust me, there's just one other celebrity that gives me the same feeling), two - I love his smile (it's boyish and shy at the same time and it suits him so damn well!), three - I love his voice (he has this special, husky tonality that gives me shivers no matter in hat language he sings!), four - I like the fact that he's so perfectly matching his bandmates and the fact that his skin is coloured, not looking like all the other idols - sorry for this - that seem to have shoved their face in white paint, five - he looks and is humanly approachable. And he really, really is a nice person. I don't know about other k-idols, but Yun is really sweet and nice!

My favourite moment with him was when the crowd was chanting "사랑해 (kr. I love you.)" and he started chanting "Te iubesc (I love you)" in Romanian, signaling his bandmates to copy him. 

Overall: Lunafly really put on a great show! They're incredibly talented and if you ever have the chance to go see them live, don't hesitate 'cause I guarantee you won't regret one bit!^^ What really impressed me (and I was really skeptic and really kept an eye for this aspect) was the fact that they sang 100% live. They didn't even use those headsets you see idols use during live stages back in Korea. And this impressed me! Then, they're really in sync once with another, vocally and instrumentally speaking.

Another thing which I was really curious about was if Yun really can sing that high pitched part from their song "Special Guy" and WOW! the man sounded perfect! It really amazed me, because I know that tonality is not easy to reach and maintain. Good job! Or if Sam's rap is really that fast live - and man, Sam can really rap fast! This is what I call being multi-talented!

Sincerely, I was not disappointed and I do not regret one bit not going to their concert! They deserve 10/10! :)

I wish Lunafly a safe flight back to Korean and that they get more recognition for their talent, 'cause they deserve it to the very bit! 

Let's meet again someday, ok?

P.S. If you want to hear the boys live, head here. The live stages are from their concert in Paris and I'm linking them here because the videos are Hd compared to the ones made during their concert in Romania. Enjoy!

Credits: the photos are not mine and belong to the person mentioned on the photos. Take out with full credits, please!

Block B "H.E.R" EP Review

This review reflects personal opinions and not those of a professional!

Personal rating: 4.5/5

The impression: Block B had me waiting for this album quite reluctantly thanks to their photo teasers. I mean pink? Doesn't ring like Block B's style at all! But I was willing to wait and see how it turned out. And I wasn't disappointed.

I like the fact that their live stages promote "Jackpot" as well since it would have been a shame not to give the deserved attention to this track! And as always, the guys do not disappoint when talking about singing live and putting a show at the same time!

But enough chit-chatting and let's get down to talk about the tracks!

The tracks:

01. Extraordinary Woman (보기 드문 여자) - Compared to their other albums' intros, this track is a slow melody with a jazzy feeling that reminds of the old American pop (talking here about Backstreet Boys, Westlife, Blue etc.). It's not a powerful track, but it gives this peaceful feeling that's just right during a quiet evening with some wine and a good meal. Yep, the boys are now on another level as entertainers. Ok, so I like that Zico tried his hand on another genre other than hip-hop/rap/powerful k-pop, but sincerely, I don't think it completely suits Block B. They had other slow tracks on their previous albums as well, but there were a lot of tracks a la Block B to give them real attention. But with this track opening their new EP... Otherwise, the song is nice, especially the instrumental background - we have guitar, battery, making the fans wish to hear the track live with a band. Even the rap parts are mild and putting into the limelight the exact feelings the track talks about: a man that is in love with his girlfriend, a man that is surprised by his own feelings.

Got to ask: is this year the "season" of love confessions?

A plus given to Zico's English part at the end! It makes me wish he'd have a solo English track sometime in the future!

02. H.E.R - And the track that bears the same name as the EP! This is the crazy style Block B had us used to! It's fun, it's colourful, it features Zico's genius rap, the instrumental is made by a band - what more would we want from this track?!

Just like the previous song, it talks about love, about this "extraordinary' woman that has left all members speechless and made them go gaga after her! But unlike the other track, this one features the craziness of Block B gone to the max! I love how he song gets to you and you hear yourself humming along with it after listening just once (trust me, I got to annoy my friends with this song after it got stuck inside my head).

I like how they changed the members turns to singing as well. Usually we have Zico introducing the track, Kyung or PO, Jaehyo (a line or two), B-Bomb or U-Kwon (again, a line or two) and Taeil doing the actual singing. But now we got to hear P.O singing - ok, let me say it in a different way SINGING, P.O SINGS! And we clearly got to hear B-Bomb and U-Kwon, even Zico can be clearly heard during the chorus. Surprisingly, Taeil is the one that got less lines this time and of course, poor Jaehyo. But it's the major change that makes the track so fun, since P.O's voice is husky and sounds so perfectly during the funky intro and chorus!

And about the MV - is colourful and funky and it still has that Block B trademark craziness, thing which is totally adorable! Especially Zico with his bubbles and body gag movements! But all members are just as crazy and seem to be made for comedy shows! And for this we have to talk to the director that made their MV look so good.

Pluses: Zico's silly act, Zico's aegyo part, P.O's singing voice, B-Bomb's tough act, U-Kwon's voice.

03. Hold Me Now (이제 날 안아요) - More than the first song of the album, this one is indeed a ballad. It's a sweet track featuring amazing vocals and the sweet tune of the piano. It's a love song and once again, it has that touch of the old pop ballads, something that makes me think of either Westlife or Blue or, if we talk about k-world, then it's definitely SS501. So yeah, as much as I like Zico's composing skills and this song as well, I have to point out that it's definitely not Block B's style. 

Plus: Jaehyo's fans can rest assure that the boy can really sing! I mean, this song is mostly his :)

04. Jackpot - Now this song is complete madness, screaming Block B from the very first seconds! This track is pure genius, so funky and fun, it makes you sing along with it without even knowing the language or the lyrics! It just has that thing, you know?

Love the piano at the beginning and the drums during the song, the fact that a live version of this song would sound so badass and rockish that would make the floor tremble under the fans' feet! But what I enjoy the most is the playfulness of their voice and of the entire tune, while the words they sing are real. I think this is one of the first songs of the year that has a real message behind the lyrics. Here, Block B no longer talks about love and break-ups, feelings and touching stories, but about success and greed, about how people perceive these and how every single one of us is struggling to become successful and how easy it is to get lost on the path of success. I think the song, which is composed by Zico, of course, is a message for their fans and for the entire k-world: they will be back more successful than before, they will not be brought down by anything and that with every blow they receive, they'll only raise more powerful. That's just deep, man! Congrats to Zico!

Plus: The MV is a piece of art! It's a sort of continuation of "Very Good", but at the same time it's somehow different. The "Very Good" MV was somehow more violent than funny, while the MV for "Jackpot" is funny and full of nonsense, featuring a lot of glam and that funky image Block B manages to pull every single time! Love Zico's kimono from the beginning, his blue lenses, his English, Kyung's hypnotic umbrella, B-Bomb's gentleman's image, P.O strange taste for bugs and bright hair colours (swear that this man can pull any hair colour!), Taeil's high kick during the dance and chorus part, U-Kwon's obsession for guns and fight scenes, Jaehyo's high note at the end. But what's really interesting is that the MV puts the lyrics into visual content: the boys are transforming the girl, preparing her for her successful path. But, as real life teaches us, no good deed gets unpunished, as the girl flips the bird while walking away from the boys, all dressed up. Not that she remains unpunished either... see what I mean? Everything in this MV has a moral!

Overall: The album is great! Zico is one heck of a composer and producer and I think he knows exactly what the strong and weak points of his fellow bandmates are.. I may not be that fond of the slow tracks and all, but I guess Zico had his reason for including them in this album. As their all related to love and one "extraordinary" woman, should I guess that he's in love? :) (c'mon, I wasn't wrong with Taeyang's dedication of 'Eyes, Nose, Lips" either :P). I deducted 0.5 points just because I personally believe that songs like those don't suit Block B that well. Otherwise, the songs are very good and nice to listen, especially since they make me believe I hear a drama's OSTs :)

One more thing: I really read comments on the internet about Block B's comeback and I was pleased to see that despite them having some difficulties in the past, the BBCs remained strong on their side. One thing though - some compared Zico's skills with GD's composing ability and said some nasty things about how the younger generation has some more "juice" flowing inside them. Well, I didn't like that. Not at all. GD is my bias and so is Zico and I never, ever thought of comparing them. GD is GD and sincerely speaking, I think that man will compose songs even when he'll be old and cranky, while Zico is Zico, his rockish and badass style overflowing with every sing he writes. They're both geniuses and awesome singers! Why compare them? That's just mean and it could hurt them both! So, please, BBCs and other fans as well, let's show the artists the respect they deserve, ok? 'Cause just as you don't like being compared to someone else when doing something, I guess they don't like it either. After all, they all work hard for the fans :)

Save me

Yesterday I lost my faith in humanity. Before yesterday I used to think there is a slight chance for us to improve, for us to become better, for us to be a little kinder to those around. But now I see the truth - we screwed up somewhere along the human evolution. We lost the capacity to be objective over a strange kind of selfishness and rage that's specific to wild animals.

Apparently, nothing I do is ever good enough. Apparently the word "student" and the status it brings within society is nowadays perceived as an insult. The fact that I went to one of the best high schools in my city and was a good student is no good. Not to talk about the fact that I actually got a place in one of the best universities in my country - no, that's shameful to even be mentioned! No matter what I do, no matter how much I struggle, no matter how hard I try to be better in what I do and better as a whole human being, I am judged by the fact that I hang around with younger people and don't have a boyfriend. Yes, in the eyes of my bullies, I am a social loser...

I know people don't like reading about bad stuff happening and tend to give more importance to happy thoughts. But bullying is part of our every day life, people. We shouldn't treat it lightly. As a kid I put up with it most of the times, until I found a way out of the vicious circle. And I was good once I was out. As a kid, I think you can deal a little better with the stress and everything. But as a young adult, what are you supposed to do when put in such a situation? I got so mad that I swore and I was seen as a hooligan. I told them to back off, 'cause no one has the right to treat me this way and I was labeled as an impolite girl. I then tried to keep my horses and explained why I did what I did and was almost hit by a fist. And when I told the thing - it cannot be called human - to crawl back from where it came because I do not care about its opinion, the "alpha male" appeared and the way he yelled at me made me gulp. Now, I should have just flipped my bird and walk away, but no, 'cause I thought at least he would be more rational. But he yelled at me and I almost got hit again. Yay for humans like that bastard! So I gave him a "talk to the hand" and walked away as quickly as I could, not sure I could keep my head up anymore. The way they insulted me... it made me feel like a maggot. In their eyes, the fact that I had gotten where I wanted was not important. No. I should have brought back a super fabulous  boyfriend that would shit money and spit gold to be able to impress them. I should have probably have already two or three kids and still live with my parents. Or maybe I should have just failed all the finals in the 12th grade and be an ill-mannered shop assistant. Maybe in those situations they would have felt proud enough with what they did with their life to leave me the fuck alone. So yeah, sorry for being nothing but a plain girl that minds her own business and tries to achieve something in this life!

But I'm none of those they wish, so they found their way to pick on me. And I gave in to their words. I should have just flipped my bird and walk away. But I got affected and I cried my eyes out as soon as I locked the door behind me. I cried so much that I scared my mom over the phone. I cried until I transformed into a little Joker with all the mascara running down my cheeks. I cried and felt like the lowest human being on this planet. I cried because I was angry and because I was scared - c'mon, I am just a girl after all and being threatened with a fist cannot be taken lightly! And even now, 24h later, I am still affected by their words while they probably are soundly asleep in their beds. Gosh, sometimes I wish I could hurt people so badly that it would be impossible for them to ever recover! And to think that my bullies are calling themselves grown-up... fuck growing up if it means turning in a wild beast! Fuck being thirty or forty and senseless!

Why do we even grow up?

I want to go back to being a kid.

I need to go back and find myself a different path as far away from these idiots as possible!

Or even better, never be born into this world... 'cause here, nobody can save humanity any longer.

Grow [as human]

Couples are annoying to be around. So sickening sweet it make you want to leave the room and never again step inside there. They're the best at making you feel down, not needed, easy to be replaced, feel that you're the only one that hasn't evolved from the bottom of the food chain. Couples have this strange power to make you angry, clench your fingers around your glass or purse or phone and just curse through you clenched teeth... this or make you look away, embarrassed and just wishing a hole would open under your feet, swallowing you whole.

Couples are the best social torture that there is. That's how I used to think and feel. 

I used to be envious on their smiles and holding hands, on their little gestures that meant so much to them and them only, on the way they had this power to know when the other is around or in need or something, on their undivided attention. 

I used to feel awkward around them and just talk a lot to cover the way I was blushing or feel my heart stinging inside my chest. And then, the awkwardness would transform into anger - why couldn't I have that? Why did it have to be me? Was I really that bad? Where did God hid my luck? 

I used to think their love is disgusting...

Now I realize just how wrong I was. Love is not something that you should hate. Because, as we evolved as human beings, love became harder to find. Yes, there are the occasional relationship and the delusional thinking that we love the other person, but... that's not love. Now, I don't know what love really is or how it feels, if it hurts or if it's some sort of euphoric state of mind, but one thing I do know: love is awesome. And you cannot be envious on it or hate it or consider it disgusting. It's troublesome, yes, to those who are single, but it's not hateful.

I came to realize this with time and after hours of thinking and just analyzing the world around me. Now I can keep my head up and smile to their kisses and hugs, without feeling lonely or unwanted in their presence. Now I can be happy for them and smile at their love story as if I am one of those good people that do only good to others. I'm probably one of the worse people on this planet, but I cannot hate love. For it has its own pace, its own time and its own agenda. I cannot wish for it to hurry, I cannot make it bloom earlier, I cannot feel it until it's not its time.

So, I'll wait. Patiently, I'll focus on becoming a better human and grow healthier beliefs, so that when time comes and love finds me, I will be able of offering more than just my heart with all the scars and battle wounds, but also healthy moral values. And maybe, just maybe this way, my heart won't sting anymore around happy couples and I won't have to fake a smile, but wear a pretty and real one instead.

You need to be happy for their love in order to be happy with yours...

Stellar soul

N.R. is a human like all the others, just less special traits added to her character. But one night she went stargazing. And the lights she saw above, the millions of twinkling, the most beautiful painted view of them all - everything made her think just how beautiful ephemeral things were. It didn't matter that a lot of the lights she saw were just projections of stars that died or that their luminescence was cold and distant. To her eyes, they were all beautiful.

From that night, N.R. started her real journey as a human. And once on the bus, she realized that she had only watched life pass her by, too scared of the headlights of the cars to step outside her pretty and very fragile bubble. It was comfortable to take cover from the wind of change and just dodge all the drop from the rain of hardship. It was easy to wait for dreams to crawl out through her blinds, hope that once out they'll grow wings and become fierce and powerful like ancient dragons. And it was only now that she realized she had been missing all the excitement of being alive. So she left with the wind at her back, hoping to reach the stars before it was too late.

That night, that one night changed her life. For she had seen the most beautiful, most sparkling, most approachable light of them all. It was right there, above her, a little to the right on the sky's canopy, living in a different circle, leading a completely different rotation than N.R.'s planet. But it was alright, for she knew how to lure that star to look down and shine its light upon her and upon her alone. And so the star did: it turned itself to this one peculiar human and smiled with eons of undying rays of cold light, blinding even the Sun itself, making the Moon miss its rotation and scandalizing all the other cosmogonic spheres.

It was unusual for a human to shift its center of attention from inside to the outside, so N.R. was seen as being special for the first time. The way her eyes shone every time the star illuminated the night sky, the way her thoughts were put in tiny bottles and sent all across the sea, towards that special point where it meets Horizon, the only one capable of touching the sky, the way she was hoping and dreaming of that one single, tiny, little star was fascinating. She was after all, just a tiny, little human herself... and so she began to feel the wind of change as she reached the end of the Earth and realized her star was never going to make it on that squared piece of land she had brought for just the two of them. No, it hit her, her tiny star was pinned on the night's canopy forever and always. 

It saddened N.R. to watch her star trying to reach her so hard that she had blinded half of the galaxy. It was painful to watch how her star was hurting itself by breaking its light into so many pieces that it turned into sparkling dust above N.R.'s face and eyes. It broke her heart to know that despite seeing so many stars leaving the canopy, not even one reached the Earth before its own light. So one night, when the tide was high and the moon had finally stopped spinning, N.R. spoke her mind for the first time:

"I've been sitting, watching, waiting... Now it only makes me wonder: if I'd left this all behind and held the wind at my back, could I get you off my mind?"

And she turned her back on the sky and hid under a cover made of lies she told herself so her guilt would be put to sleep, her consciousness muted. But it was impossible to bear it: she wanted to pluck her eyes out, carve out her heart, dig her own grave with her nails, weep till the sea would cover the whole Earth or until the Moon would bathe in her tears... she wanted her star to be happy more than anything. And she knew, N.R. knew she was just a human, that she could shake all Heavens and no star would fall, that she was going to cry and throw a fit as soon as the light of her beloved star would touch her, freezing her blood. She knew she had so many flaws that even her guardian angel turned his face from her, ashamed of the nakedness of her soul and incapacity of truly believing. For that had been her problem from always: N.R. was incapable of believing for too long in something... especially in herself.

Until - until one night when she started believing in the happiness of her tiny, little star.

That's when she went stargazing with her soul...

Licensed to kill

I am a licensed liar.

I was born out of a lie and from my first word till now, everything was a lie. I lied shamelessly, I lied continuously, I breathe and eat lies from dusk to dawn.

The way I met him was a lie - a sunny day full of laughter and butterflies crumbles now in front of me. The whole imaginary puzzle is defective now that I admit it out loud that it was all a game of lies which built an empire of dirt and false truth.

The way I loved was a lie as well - reality is like a tennis racquet that hits you in the face when you expect less, sending balls and pieces of consciousness right at you. I loved only with my surface, only with my mind, keeping my heart under an invisible lock, giving the impression I was genuine, that I was truthful with my words. But I was taming my heart instead, letting the brain pick what truth to send out.

The way I dressed was a lie - layers and layers to cover my scars, to squeeze my curves, to break my bones, to make me look taller, to make me look desirable, to make me look like a Barbie. Thick layers to lie to the eyes, to hide my true self and keep my heart safe.

The way I walked was yet another lie - swaying my body, luring the spirits, setting fire to the water when all I wanted was to walk faster and faster, run away and stop only when the moon is full in the middle of the desert.

What have I become? How did all end up like this?

I took everything and gave nothing. I raised an empire of dirt, and put heart by heart till I built a wall taller than the tower of Babel. And no powerful entity threw lightning at me, I did not fell nor did it crumble over me, crushing me with waves of tears and blood. I asked for sincerity and I gave nothing but false truth, a facade built to impress... and I killed thousands, millions of feelings, choked them in their crib.

There is no real motive for my deeds. There's no explanation, no way of offering myself an excuse. I did what I did, knowing that everyone I know goes away in the end. No one stays, no one cares, so why should I? So I killed their feelings before they could kill mine, scarred them for life before they could give me deep cuts like those I received before.

Beneath the stains of time, I am still myself, still innocent... but my lies I cannot erase, I cannot hide or untell. They've grown into a forest of webs, deceived and tore heart after heart. If I could turn back time, I would keep myself buried in the ground, head underwater and lips sawn with heavy wire. And then I'd be the innocent one burn on the pyre and you could have it all, my empire of dirt, my crown of thorns, my liars' chair.

But my broken thoughts cannot be repaired and if I am to admit everything I'll say it out loud: I am a liar to the core, deceiving hearts and myself as well. I am licensed to kill after all...

Only [human]

I'll stop right here and right now. 

I'll hold in my breath so that I won't feel your scent anymore, I'll close my eyes to stop seeing you, I'll stop moving my lips under yours and deny any touch coming from you.

I'll stop now.

I'll hit my chest with my fist until I'll bruise it in hopes that my heart will actually fail to beat under the hits. If that doesn't happen, I'll open up my chest and unplug my heart, disconnect it from my brain and cease any vital function. And then I'll feed it to the dogs... not that they'll eat it since it's so old and scarred, so hard to chew on the stratified illusions and repeated surgeries. It will probably end up being ball to kids on the streets or maybe on the riverbank or it will roll and hid under the bridge, in a box, shivering in stitches and darkness. Or maybe someone will find it and take care of it, nurture it with pity if not love, clean it from all the dirt that went through all the open wounds, wash away the pain and memories and then give it to someone who really needs it... 'cause I don't really need it.

I'll stop now.

I won't care, I won't feel, I won't see, breathe or taste you like before. You will become gray to me and die, turn to dust and get carried away by the wind. I will no longer give in to you. I'll stay strong and unmoved like a rock, until water will wash all of me away and I will be remembered no more...

I'll stop now.

I'll stop loving you and seeing only you, I'll stop being blind. I'll be once again dark and twisted, sister with the fears and denial, I'll stop smiling blindly, I'll go back to my corner and forget all of me and all of you. I'll mute my plea and become deaf, I'll go searching once again for something that will taste just as sweet as you if not sweeter. I will stop loving you even if it means death to my soul!

I'll stop now and forever shall not find place to nest inside this rib cage of mine. I don't need promises for eternity, nor undying love written on sheets of paper; I don't need diamonds sparkling like the stars or cars or gold or flowers. For I ceased to exist the moment I gave my all and wrapped my soul around your arm. Yes, you took me all: all my body, all my heart and soul, my dreams, my thoughts. You occupied me as a vessel, you took over me like a conqueror takes over dry land - and just like that you ignored the fact that I had a name, a spirit, a life. Now all that's left of me is a mere meat carcass scribbled with nonsensical wishes of death. And they were all for you, love...

So I'll stop now. I'll just leave you behind and when we'll unexpectedly meet at the corner of that flower shop, I won't even look at you, I won't feel you or hear you. You'll be the ghost of my sad past and I'll be living in my self written present. You won't have the power to lure me in once again...

And yes, I will regret you all my life.

Holding demons

I think it happened on a rainy Tuesday evening... or was it on Wednesday? Anyway, what matters is that it happened during a rainy evening. I was just about to step out in the summer rain, my rain coat tightly wrapped around my shivering body. I was wearing a smile because inside my mind it was sunny - sunny and warm and wind was blowing from the sea, bringing salty drops on my skin. I was still smiling when I saw her: a mere silhouette, a mere presence in between the crowd, so dizzy and small she could have been easily carried off by the mere blowing wind. 
Her hair - a complete mess of rebellious curls.
Her lips - bloody and scrapped, moving continuously, whispering one she knew what.
Her fingers - holding tight on a bottle full of whiskey.
She was a lost one, an unfortunate event the crowd didn't preoccupy itself with. So I shrugged her off my mind as well and went on my way. Until those cold finger grabbed my wrist and forced me to look deeply in her eyes. Eyes that had seen the worse, eyes that were swimming in tears, eyes that were showing the wild sparkle of a spirit that didn't knew how to lose. And when she dragged me away on the dark alley, the world stopped moving all of a sudden and I went back in time.
There I was, young and smiling, celebrating my 18th birthday. A chaos of a party with demons screaming from bottles of whiskey and gin and burning cigars, with speakers screaming profanities out loud, inviting to orgies, tempting even the weak me to give in to the darkness that came smiling at me, wrapped in smoke and dirty colours. And then I woke up in someone else's bed, wearing someone else's clothes, being someone I didn't even recognize...
As I watched my young self looking around all confused, the image changed into another one: me inside the OR, screaming my pain, cursing my fate, calling for my mother during labor. I was almost 19 and almost a mother.
And then she showed me the years that passed by in what seemed an eternity: late hours working, late hours partying, a child waiting at home with scared eyes, flinching at only the sound of my voice, a child that would cover my body with his own blanket and look over me as I slept on the floor. And no matter how badly I treated him, that child never left my side. He grew up wearing old clothes and sometimes barefooted and still gave his best out there. To him the world meant nothing if I wasn't happy.
Until one rainy day when we fought and I started crying, wishing out loud he wouldn't exist. And with a happy smile on his lips, he said "I know. I'm sorry. I love you." and went away. Next day I found his body hanging from the ceiling and a note stuck in his cold and rigid hand: "Now you can start all over again.".
"I spent his love and left him broke, hadn't I?" 
But only rain could answer to me. Rain and a warm hand holding mine.
"Are you ok, mommy?" His doe eyes checked my complexion.

Yes, I saw her on a rainy day. She was wild, she was rebellious and she defied every law in this Universe to come show me that I carried inside more demons than all Hell. And she got rid of them for me. Now I can wear flowers in my hair and white dresses and hold my child properly. Maybe I'm not the best, maybe I'll never be, but at least I am trying. Are you striking for a better you?
Yes, it was definitely raining on that Friday...

"I regret nothing."

With love, a friend...

You might not remember this part of you, you might not want to acknowledge your past fragility. But hey! here I am or better said, here I was all this time. You might be living your dream somewhere in this big world or you might be wounded to death, hiding under layers of silence as you gave up on all humanity. Or you might have accepted that being plain is not bad at all and forgot all about our messy past and the pieces of your once broken heart.

Wherever you are, whatever you do, whomever you're with when you read this, just in case you come across this one day, I want to share with you this life philosophy that's stuck in my head for now (I'm putting it down 'cause I know I will forget it as soon as I go to bed):

1. Be someone's friend - befriend someone and be his or her friend even after midnight. Don't judge, don't hold a grudge, don't frown, don't wish they didn't exist. Help them if you can, be their best friend, give them courage, give them strength even if one day they could walk away. Just be their friend over a cup of tea, over the phone, in writing. Bear them in mind and heart and show them warmth. People are and will be people - always in need of company, always in need of warmth. Give a lil' of your light to a blind person and you'll walk around with a lighter heart.
2. Pet a dog or a cat. It soothes the heart, it makes you feel loved even for a little while. Animals don't hate, they don't hold grudges and are grateful for every touch, for every word, for every minute you give them.
3. Love. With all your heart, with all your soul. I know you've been brokenhearted before, I know it hurts when he leaves. But even so, love with all your might, give your best, be caring and bright, be supportive and attentive to the other's needs, show appreciation and respect. I doubt it will be left unrewarded. And even if it is, later on, when you'll be really old and cranky, you won't regret it. You'd have made someone feel special and loved even for a little while. It won't matter you weren't considered good enough, that you weren't the one, that you weren't perfect - 'cause even for a lil' while, you have made someone happy.
4. Sing along with your favourite songs. It doesn't matter you don't have a good voice or that you're making a total fool out of you. It doesn't matter you don't know the lyrics or the language. Hum along, dance with the beat, feel the music pour through all your pores, through your cells.
5. Don't be afraid of who you are, of what you think, of what you like. Life's too short for that!
6. Don't hurt others just for the sake of being a voice. In the end, it won't matter if you're remembered through the centuries if you'd be regretting it all your life or feel guilty. It's not worth the burden, trust me.
7. Don't hold grudges. Let it go, let it go, just let it go. If you stop caring about the past, the future will be easier to see and build. If they did you wrong, just forget it. If they hurt you in ways no one can understand your aching scars, if they left you bleeding without an explanation - it's alright. It's just fine. They went their way, you got your own path. And when your paths will cross again, there will be enough space  for "Hello.".
8. Be a good daughter even when your mom is no longer what you recalled her to be. Be supportive of her, be there with a nice word, be there to remind her that she'll never be alone and that no matter what, she has you.
9. Be a good mother. Be the mother your mother was: your children's best friend, their playmate, their protector, their teacher, their guiding light. Be attentive to their needs, to their fears, to their life philosophy. Don't be afraid to share your past with them, don't be afraid to scold them gently, don't be afraid of letting them be free in world where there they will be judged according to appearance, wealth, gadgets or what else. Their happiness is yours.
10. Be a good wife. Be a good life partner. Be supportive of his dreams, support him on his way, be there when he needs you, be his comforting silence, be his painkiller when he's in terrible pain. Listen well and think twice before saying something that you might regret later. Remember what you promised to yourself when you were younger and never let the other one behind in pain or anger. Talk your problems out, figure a way together, don't be silly and stubborn when it's not the case. Don't cause unnecessary pain to your partner. Don't be selfish - be selfless. And if he hurts you, be sincere and tell him. If he steps on your heart, try to talk things out. If it just doesn't work, part as friends. Don't cause unnecessary pain one to another. And don't be afraid of telling him you love him - you never know what can happen by the end of the day. Don't be just his partner and lover. Be his friend.

Ten rules for an easier  life - no, scratch that, rules for a happier life! And not rules, but just reminders on how to be a better person, on how to live with no regrets, on how to be everything you once promised yourself you'd be one day: a better human, a better person, a better you.

And if you are all these out there, then I am happy to have lived through the pain and misery, through the hardship and broken hearts. If you're leading a life like you dreamt, then I regret nothing and I am genuinely happy for you and those around you.

But don't forget the most important rule of them all, the golden one if I may say so: be yourself no matter what. The bright person your friends saw, the romantic one, the childish one, the silly one. Don't let the darkness you fear consume your bright light! You are the sun of your own universe! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

With love,

A Friend from the Past