How do I even survive?

Not that long ago, a person who didn't knew how to deal with my melancholic personality told me that no man is an island. That person told me not to worry so much over small things that seem to take a lot of the space dedicated to thoughts about myself. That person told me to try and see the good in every small thing that happens to me.

So I got a sheet of paper and a pen and wrote down a list of answers to the following inquiry: "What do I enjoy doing/ gives me satisfaction and allows me to wake up every single morning, breathe and function at full capacity?". And here's what I got so far:

• I enjoy reading. I lived thousands of lives made of paper and ink and felt things I know will never happen to me. But as much as I love reading, I can't have it when I want. I have classes, people to meet, evenings when I go to sleep as if knocked out. I have days when I would just sleep and sleep and sleep, days when the thought of reading makes me fall asleep instantly.
• I like making people smile. I really like when people smile at the sight of me. My friends, my loved ones - they all smile when they see me. But I have my bad days when I am grumpy and unfriendly, days when I push people away and am unreachable. I have days when jokes are flat and nothing pleases me. And those days are much more than those when I am silly and full of smiles.
• I love when people show their affection, be it a hug, a bite from a sandwich, a sip of water or a piece of chewing gum. I love when their faces lit up and they wave as if they haven't met each other since ever. But I'm too shy and cold to do so. I can't hug someone all of a sudden and I surely can't say words like "I love you." or "I like you." or "I miss you.". They just... remain stuck in my throat most of the times and make me come as a cold person, distant and unapproachable... or plain awkward.
• I enjoy listening to music. Classical, rock, '80s, ballads, disco, but what I like the most is k-pop. I love listening to the bit and humming along, I love the language, trying to understand words. I love how k-pop can express so much of me. But people don't understand this preference of mine. Most of them find it odd. It's not like j-rock or American pop. It may be influenced here and they by them, but it's still different. I love how there are songs that make me my smile go from ear to ear, while others make me melancholic. But they don't understand this attachment of mine. They tell me that it will wear off with time and as I grow up, I will more than surely come to find it no longer attractive.
• Grey's Anatomy.
• Supernatural.
• Empress Ki (or other Korean dramas).
• Teasing. It's an intriguing game of mind and will, wittiness and fast thinking. It can easily transform into inside jokes when with friends. But my teasing often is mistaken for flirting when a boy is involved as the teased part. And so it leads to awkward situations and intentions misunderstood. So I'm often pushed away.
• Writing. I love it like I love my blood. It's running in my veins, a living thing. I would write day and night. But I've lately developed some sort of a syndrome: the words are there, but somehow they won't come out. It's like trying to draw a feeling and you do not know the sign associated with it (love = heart).
• Sleeping. I would sleep 12/24 if I could. I love the sensation of being underneath the warm covers, of vividly dreaming and knowing I am still asleep. But people find it weird and tell me to go to the doctor and get a check-up.
• Staying up late. Not staying out, but just awake till 3 am or so. I like the solitude of those late hours while just browsing around the internet. But when I do so, I tend to sleep till late in the afternoon and that's not alright at all.
• I love being in love - with a song, an animal or a person. I am just happy. But the songs get old and others take their place and often, I cannot spend all my time with my pets. It's the feelings for a certain somebody that stay, linger around for a moment longer. But then, my feelings are often unrequited and eventually, end up being stepped on and I choose to throw them away.
• I love sweets. But we all know they're a two edged sword...

And this is just the top of the list. There are a lot of other things I enjoy. And they all have set backs/bad effects.

So, drawing the line at the end of it, I wonder: how do I even wake up in the morning?

Realization

It was a normal Sunday and I was normally browsing around the Internet, looking for some way to entertain myself. Only that with the corner of my eye, I spotted your digital picture resting on the desk.

I have to admit that I stared at it for quite a while. Yeah, embarrassing, I know, I know. But I didn't knew what else to do since my hands had stopped and were just resting on my knees. And where else could have I looked? The other way? Out the window? At the screen displaying thousands of pictures in front of me? Could have I looked anywhere else when you were there, when your smile was there, present like this heart that beats inside my chest?

No.

So I took my time to analyze your face, the shape of it, the traits, the small spots from an old acne burst, the eyes, the bridge of the nose that's a little bulbous towards the tip, the lips - oh, so kissable lips!, all pink and soft, the stubborn chin. And I wondered: "Why do I like/ kind of love him anyway?". Answer? There's no real answer that wouldn't sound like a lie or a cheesy, stupid thing a girl in love would say. Maybe I like you because you're so fluffy, that you're stubborn and snap easily. Or maybe it's because when you smile you show around 24 teeth... or maybe it's because you have cute ears. Or maybe it's the lips that make me smile when I think of you. It couldn't be your strange personality, your multi-talented hands or the over-confident attitude you make me put up with every single day, even in my dreams. 

People told me to stop dreaming - you're not real. And yet there you are, flesh and bones, heart and blood, smiles and laughter, frowns and glares - you're there.

People told me that my love is admirable. But they couldn't be more wrong. I do love you. I love you from the bottom of my heart even though I do not say it the way you're supposed to hear it. I love you so much that if love was fuel, I'd be able to go around the world and never run out of it. I love you so freakin' much that it kind of hurts at times when I realize just how silly I am when the night comes... But they are all wrong, my love ain't admirable at all. It's kind of an old cliché as I don't really know what to do with my love, actually. I could fuel some other fire, I could pretend to love some other guy and secretly think of you. I could watch you closely and never approach you. It's the bad kind of love, the poisonous one, the one it incapable of turning into hate and is everlasting. It's the one you meet only in fairytales... My love is scary.

Someone told me never give up on what I am and what I hold dear. Again, a cliché wish of them to be like me, of them to live with what I feel. But if they knew, if they could feel it even for a second, they would see how close to bursting my heart is, how difficult is to actually breathe, knowing you won't be really there... ever. Not ever.

But a dreamer lives for her dreams, even when they pull her underwater. I am drowning each day and I never stopped to actually wonder if it's worth keeping a love like the one I have for you. You'll never hear me, never will you lay your eyes on the unappealing me. This is the realization that made me fight the high waters invading my lungs, that made me actually wish for the shore to be closer to my tired hands. Dear, I'm tired of swimming and I don't want to drown. I'm tired of gulping salty water, of fearing what circles me. I'm tired of fighting with the tide, with the currents and the waves. But then again, I won't go down without a fight! I will not drown in this... this... this love! For if I do close my eyes, you're there. And once you're around, I will never ever be able to leave your imaginary side.

I don't want to be crazy.

I swear it was a normal Sunday and that I was normally staring at your photo.

But you're so far away and permanently surrounded by people that care for you, that shower you with their love for you, for what you are and what you mean that it's actually kind of painful for me to watch. So, since my love is no longer useful (was it ever, useful?) I'd like to have it back now, please. Give me back my heart and all my dreams, 'cause I think I have a jar of broken dreams hidden somewhere under the bed and this one will act like seal. And I will never ever talk about you again, never ever remember you, never ever trust this beating heart of mine that seems to be malfunctioning...

It was a normal Sunday when the normal realization was born in my mind: it's time to let you go 'cause you have no use of me anymore. You've got your friends, you've got millions of others willing to give their hearts to you. I don't want to be a bleeding heart in the crowd. So today, I take my heart back to mend it, to make it work in sync with the brain. 

It was a normal Sunday and I was dreaming of running away with your love, lock myself in a rocket and fly to the moon, never to return...

I Don't Know Either

Maybe it's because I'm growing up or maybe it's because I changed for the past year so much that I barely recognize myself. But lately I've found myself thinking of a future I presently can't actually see. It's somewhere far, far away from me. But still, I like to dream of it from time to time. It keeps me motivated.

And so I got to make a list of all the things I'd like my life partner to have. The result? I'd like him to be a doctor (and not because I'm obsessed with Derek Shepherd of Grey's Anatomy). Just... at first, I'd like to have him by my side because I'm that type of person that hurts herself even when opening a bottle of water and I'd like to have someone to put a bandage over my scratched knees, to kiss my bruised fingers, to fuss over a small cut.

And then, when we'd have kids, I would stop being a kid myself and he would be able to figure out why the baby is screaming and can't sleep, why his tummy hurts and he could make him or her better. And I wouldn't cry, there wouldn't be sleepless nights by a crib.

I'm selfish, I know, but I would be willing to wait for him until he'd be great on his own: a great doctor or a great surgeon. A great person by my side. I would just to satisfy my own selfish desire... 

 And this person on the left - this wonderful person that shines as bright as the moon does during a starless night, this person is currently the one I like to think of as my better half. He's a man born on 16th of October, sharing his birthday with me. Three things differentiate us: the gender, the years we were born in and the different paths we walk on.

This man is the only one that can make me smile even when I cry bitter tears. When I hear his voice, when I see his smile, it's like everything disappears and the wrong turns right.

And as selfish as I am, I like to think that he's my soulmate. He's the one I will always sustain, no matter the miles in between or the language barrier or anything else. I won't matter if he's married and has kids - I will support him and show him the respect I wish I had in this life of mine.

Childish, isn't it? 

Stupid, right?

Is it really impossible for someone to feel the way I feel? 'Cause when I look at his picture, when I hear his songs, when I watch his interviews, I just know everything is alright and just like he made it and his light turned brighter than any other star, I will be just fine no matter where I'll end up in this life.

It's not love, 'cause I don't think I know how to love yet. It's not admiration either, because I don't wish to be there, in his place. Is something in between those and some more. Something the words cannot contain, cannot explain. Is something... that can only be felt.

It's funny when I think of myself old and smelly, cranky and blind, but still smiling brightly when hearing his old songs. I wish - if there really is a link between us we cannot see or feel yet - there was a way I could hear from him even after he leaves the stage those younger than him. Just knowing him alright and happy, I think I will be able to put up with all the pills we all end up taking when old.

Two dreams, two ideal types, two men that have small chances to ever be by my side.

Two different me.

This is all in my head and heart.

But only future will give me an answer, so I'll wait for a reply from God, fate, destiny, future or whoever can tell me what awaits ahead...

Digging out music

The awesome feeling when you discover a new song that is actually old or a band that is actually tugging on your heart's strings.
That feeling when you put the player on repeat and turn the volume to the maximum, closing your eyes and feeling their voices making their way in your chest, down towards the stomach and gripping it in an iron hand. It's a familiar thing that you've been waiting for ever since you discovered the band that sings the song. And it's not disappointing you. It even feels closer to you then any other song you've listened to.
It's THE song. For a couple of day anyway, 'cause then you find another one and the circle repeat itself.
I like old music, the old sounds. Those songs make me feel alive. They make me think normally.
For me, music is the air I breathe, the love I feel for the man of my dreams.

Today, MBLAQ proved why they are first in my heart no matter what. And that reason is called "If You Come Into My Heart", a 2010 track C-Luv re-arranged and performed together with the boys. Yeah, k-pop. Yeah, I'm a k-popper and will never be afraid or ashamed to admit it. Because just listening to their voices I realize that there's a reason why I came to discover their music, why my heart beats fast whenever I recognize their voices in a crowd.
To music, there's always a reason.
What's your reason for listening to your favourite group/genre?