I Don't Know Either

Maybe it's because I'm growing up or maybe it's because I changed for the past year so much that I barely recognize myself. But lately I've found myself thinking of a future I presently can't actually see. It's somewhere far, far away from me. But still, I like to dream of it from time to time. It keeps me motivated.

And so I got to make a list of all the things I'd like my life partner to have. The result? I'd like him to be a doctor (and not because I'm obsessed with Derek Shepherd of Grey's Anatomy). Just... at first, I'd like to have him by my side because I'm that type of person that hurts herself even when opening a bottle of water and I'd like to have someone to put a bandage over my scratched knees, to kiss my bruised fingers, to fuss over a small cut.

And then, when we'd have kids, I would stop being a kid myself and he would be able to figure out why the baby is screaming and can't sleep, why his tummy hurts and he could make him or her better. And I wouldn't cry, there wouldn't be sleepless nights by a crib.

I'm selfish, I know, but I would be willing to wait for him until he'd be great on his own: a great doctor or a great surgeon. A great person by my side. I would just to satisfy my own selfish desire... 

 And this person on the left - this wonderful person that shines as bright as the moon does during a starless night, this person is currently the one I like to think of as my better half. He's a man born on 16th of October, sharing his birthday with me. Three things differentiate us: the gender, the years we were born in and the different paths we walk on.

This man is the only one that can make me smile even when I cry bitter tears. When I hear his voice, when I see his smile, it's like everything disappears and the wrong turns right.

And as selfish as I am, I like to think that he's my soulmate. He's the one I will always sustain, no matter the miles in between or the language barrier or anything else. I won't matter if he's married and has kids - I will support him and show him the respect I wish I had in this life of mine.

Childish, isn't it? 

Stupid, right?

Is it really impossible for someone to feel the way I feel? 'Cause when I look at his picture, when I hear his songs, when I watch his interviews, I just know everything is alright and just like he made it and his light turned brighter than any other star, I will be just fine no matter where I'll end up in this life.

It's not love, 'cause I don't think I know how to love yet. It's not admiration either, because I don't wish to be there, in his place. Is something in between those and some more. Something the words cannot contain, cannot explain. Is something... that can only be felt.

It's funny when I think of myself old and smelly, cranky and blind, but still smiling brightly when hearing his old songs. I wish - if there really is a link between us we cannot see or feel yet - there was a way I could hear from him even after he leaves the stage those younger than him. Just knowing him alright and happy, I think I will be able to put up with all the pills we all end up taking when old.

Two dreams, two ideal types, two men that have small chances to ever be by my side.

Two different me.

This is all in my head and heart.

But only future will give me an answer, so I'll wait for a reply from God, fate, destiny, future or whoever can tell me what awaits ahead...