Not that long ago, a person who didn't knew how to deal with my melancholic personality told me that no man is an island. That person told me not to worry so much over small things that seem to take a lot of the space dedicated to thoughts about myself. That person told me to try and see the good in every small thing that happens to me.
So I got a sheet of paper and a pen and wrote down a list of answers to the following inquiry: "What do I enjoy doing/ gives me satisfaction and allows me to wake up every single morning, breathe and function at full capacity?". And here's what I got so far:
- I enjoy reading. I lived thousands of lives made of paper and ink and felt things I know will never happen to me. But as much as I love reading, I can't have it when I want. I have classes, people to meet, evenings when I go to sleep as if knocked out. I have days when I would just sleep and sleep and sleep, days when the thought of reading makes me fall asleep instantly.
- I like making people smile. I really like when people smile at the sight of me. My friends, my loved ones - they all smile when they see me. But I have my bad days when I am grumpy and unfriendly, days when I push people away and am unreachable. I have days when jokes are flat and nothing pleases me. And those days are much more than those when I am silly and full of smiles.
- I love when people show their affection, be it a hug, a bite from a sandwich, a sip of water or a piece of chewing gum. I love when their faces lit up and they wave as if they haven't met each other since ever. But I'm too shy and cold to do so. I can't hug someone all of a sudden and I surely can't say words like "I love you." or "I like you." or "I miss you.". They just... remain stuck in my throat most of the times and make me come as a cold person, distant and unapproachable... or plain awkward.
- I enjoy listening to music. Classical, rock, '80s, ballads, disco, but what I like the most is k-pop. I love listening to the bit and humming along, I love the language, trying to understand words. I love how k-pop can express so much of me. But people don't understand this preference of mine. Most of them find it odd. It's not like j-rock or American pop. It may be influenced here and they by them, but it's still different. I love how there are songs that make me my smile go from ear to ear, while others make me melancholic. But they don't understand this attachment of mine. They tell me that it will wear off with time and as I grow up, I will more than surely come to find it no longer attractive.
- Grey's Anatomy.
- Empress Ki (or other Korean dramas).
- Teasing. It's an intriguing game of mind and will, wittiness and fast thinking. It can easily transform into inside jokes when with friends. But my teasing often is mistaken for flirting when a boy is involved as the teased part. And so it leads to awkward situations and intentions misunderstood. So I'm often pushed away.
- Writing. I love it like I love my blood. It's running in my veins, a living thing. I would write day and night. But I've lately developed some sort of a syndrome: the words are there, but somehow they won't come out. It's like trying to draw a feeling and you do not know the sign associated with it (love = heart).
- Sleeping. I would sleep 12/24 if I could. I love the sensation of being underneath the warm covers, of vividly dreaming and knowing I am still asleep. But people find it weird and tell me to go to the doctor and get a check-up.
- Staying up late. Not staying out, but just awake till 3 am or so. I like the solitude of those late hours while just browsing around the internet. But when I do so, I tend to sleep till late in the afternoon and that's not alright at all.
- I love being in love - with a song, an animal or a person. I am just happy. But the songs get old and others take their place and often, I cannot spend all my time with my pets. It's the feelings for a certain somebody that stay, linger around for a moment longer. But then, my feelings are often unrequited and eventually, end up being stepped on and I choose to throw them away.
- I love sweets. But we all know they're a two edged sword...
And this is just the top of the list. There are a lot of other things I enjoy. And they all have set backs/bad effects.
So, drawing the line at the end of it, I wonder: how do I even wake up in the morning?