Amore Mio

Day by day.
Month by month.
I crawl ground level, swallowing stones and inhaling dust. And I never stopped. Not until now.
The starry sky has made me look back - what is there to regret? What is there to remember? Is there something left, something that has not been eaten my the scar-faced rust? Something, something - is there really something?
And so I exhale, releasing my soul from a heavy burden. I did not know. I did not guess. I did not think back then. I didn't see that I was a mere human asking for the broken Moon above. I didn't want to see, believe that my desire was impossible to accomplish. 
But it grew; it grew inside of me like a huge ball of light and fire, looking and feeling too much alike the Sun high up in the sky. It grew so much that I had to release it. And so it started. It was merely a simple decision I took with my heart, with my entire soul. But it changed everything.
And slowly, slowly, my dream, the only Sun I was having close to my heart, became the light of a mere firefly that flew away from me, leaving me in complete darkness.
Oh, how many years, centuries have come and went since then? 
How many Suns have died on the sky?
How many times has the rain whipped my skin?
I sincerely have no answer to that. Because I'm blind, because I'm mad, because I have one million of reasons not to give a crap about the day chasing the night and all the spinning motion of the ground. It all makes me sick right now! For my firefly is long gone and I am lost. Lost and alone.
Why? Why are there so many barriers to overcome? Why are there so many troubles that reside inside my heart? Am I not mortal enough to die from the pain inside, struggling to breathe while I wait for you to call my name?! Please, call my name... just once. Just once, call my name just once and I will return from where I left only to come and hear your voice all over again.
But the stars on the sky died and I was left with no light. My legs are trembling and my hands are weak, so I crawl like a snake, hissing my pain away, picking on my own scars. But I'm coming to you, my dearest firefly. I will get to you... one day.

The more they come out, the more I hide. The more they know about you, the more I fear. Is there really no way for us to do this? For me to love you, trust you, hold you and only you without feeling scared or haunted? But then again, you are the traitor you were born to be, tied in black and white yarn by your wrist, proudly showing a secret for everyone to see.
Why, amore mio? Why can't I be the one to let go?
Why, why, amore mio? Can't you wait for the one who has walked thousand of miles just to see, to hear you and only you? I know there's still a lot to do, a lot of miles to walk and run, but I will get to you. 'Cause it's your voice that guides me in the darkness that has swallowed me. It's you, you my precious firefly!
So tell me, amore mio, can't you just wait till I'm at least able to let go?


You'll be just like all the others: calling my name only to break my heart... amore mio, where was the trap and how did I not see it in my rush to your once open arms?

Haven

In this world where rain falls continuously - I'm running.
In this world where clouds can be seen hanging heavily on what used to be once a clear, blue sky - I fear.
In this world where people are crying - I hide.
In this world where hope has been forgotten - I dream.
This world, this planet, the sky, the water, the flowers, the bees, the soil, the rocks, the mountains and the meadows - they're all part of me. I hold them in, deeply buried in a heart that was rejected and stepped on countless times. For I am the bird that sings at the window of your eyes, I am the one who will stand still in a crowd that continues to move.
There's a lot of gray - I'm a rosy blue.
There's a lot of sorrow - I will always hold a smile just for you.
Call me - I won't run from you.
Hold me - I will accept your touch.
Cast me away - I won't be broken.

You and I - we're an old, unwritten story. So let the distance between us be the pages and the numbers be the ink for our ongoing novel. Let the crowd be the main character; we'll take the second lead. Let the rain stain the pages and it will be more personal. Let us be written line by line, word by word, emotion by emotion. Let us be described like Bonnie & Clyde of the present or Scarlett & Rhett of the century. Let us have minor part in our own love story. But most importantly, let us have a happy ending.
Are we running? And if so, are we running to each other? Won't we stop somewhere halfway through, ten minutes away from each other, totally missing the greatest love?
Are we aware of each other? Aren't we dreaming the American dream in which the other is faceless, tasteless, voiceless, colourless and merciless?
Are you dreaming of me? 'Cause I'm dreaming of you. You're the man in my noir dreams, the shadow in my darkness, the light during my days, the voice that sings me to sleep.
Are you waiting? 'Cause I've run all of my life, trying, struggling to find you.
Will you turn away from me?
Will you smile for me and only for me?
Will you give up on me and take another, a copy instead of the real?
Will you just refuse me?
But even it will be so, I won't be running away, I won't cry, I won't beg. I'll just... stay. Still. Around. Smiling. So that you can see that I am the friend you always had, the sibling you always wished for, the lover in your cold bed, the memory you'd want to put in a box and bury away for keep.

Hello, dear soulmate. 
I've been writing and wishing for you up till now. 
I'm me.
But who are you?

I like

"Category B" books. They are those books selling very cheap, usually cliché and always having a happy ending. I like reading those kind of books, especially during the night. They ease my mind. They help me relax and forget that on my desk is a pile of philosophic books I really hate, but unfortunately have to read and comment.

Watching animated movies. Disney. Pixar. Anything. Anywhere. At any hour day or night. Why? Because I'm childish, because they're cute, because they usually tell in simple words or songs, what other movies struggle to tell through their entire plot. And there's always a scene or two that makes me laugh my ass off!

K-pop. That's the music of my life. Why? Because the language is like silk to my ears, because there are songs that tell my entire life in just three minutes. Because I like to anticipate a comeback, a concept, a concert. Because I like to dream about seeing a k-pop concert live someday. Because my ideal man is one of them. That's why I like k-pop. It inspires me more than nature, more than food (and trust me, I like to eat good food!).

Irish music. It's always so... fairytale-like. Always making my hands move along the rhythm, always making me wish I knew how to dance through the chorus. Because I'm an avid read and a dedicated writer and Irish music brings out the most twisted fantasy plots.

Food. I eat. I cook. I relax. I live. I get praised. That much the food holds for me.

Nail art. Simple, complicated, with characters done in brush, with stickers, with stripes, one colour, two, multicoloured... it's my passion. And no matter how much time it takes to pain one nail only, I still do it. It's fun!

And lastly, writing. It's the very essence of being - well, of being myself. Through writing I can be me, I can be who I want to be without waiting 1 year, 2 or 10. Through writing, I can show the world a vision of how I see the things around myself without being judged too much. Through writing, I live more intensely than any stuntman.

Love a lie

There are so many things said about love, about how selfless it is, how it's meant to lift up your spirit, to keep you warm and safe, to protect you.
And yet, couples break up, they separate after decades of living under the same roof and sharing the same bed. They break up and leave marks on their souls, on their kids' minds. They break up and suddenly love is nowhere to be found; there's no longer selflessness but just an angry attitude from early in the morning, there's no more freedom of movement but just a permanent fear. You no longer feel protected, but assaulted with every single breath your partner takes.
And it's not fair that everything you said, everything you promised, everything you swore got scattered by the wind of change. 'Cause that's the main problem: people change. People change and feelings are forgotten.
But the thing is, maybe I'm silly and all, but I believe in love. And I believe in people. No matter how many times I've been hurt, no matter how many times I shed tears, I still believe. 
And so I found myself in love.
I love him. His hair, his nose, his lips, his fingers and not-so-perfect body. I love his laugh, I love his walk and I surely do love the way he stuffs his mouth with food while smiling. I love the way his voice made my heart stop bleed, the way it healed the ugly bruise on the muscle that was becoming too tired of pulsating. I love the way he looks when he's mad, the way he's silent when he's sad. I love the way he's good at everything, your Jake of all trades, and yet not perfect in all he does. I love the way he is obsessed with his things, the way he keeps them neat and clean.
I love his shadow more than I love the clouds on the sky during a torrid day.
And yet, I don't know him. I've never met him. Oh, he's real! Real like me, real like the smile he puts on my lips, real like the soft breeze. He's a stranger in this big, big world. But I love him.
Because he's always with me, every step of the way, protecting me. He's my red string for black days, the light in the darkness, the comforting warmth during the winter, my shoulder to cry on, my best friend, my secret crush, my obsession.
Isn't my love just a big lie?

Digging out music

The awesome feeling when you discover a new song that is actually old or a band that is actually tugging on your heart's strings.
That feeling when you put the player on repeat and turn the volume to the maximum, closing your eyes and feeling their voices making their way in your chest, down towards the stomach and gripping it in an iron hand. It's a familiar thing that you've been waiting for ever since you discovered the band that sings the song. And it's not disappointing you. It even feels closer to you then any other song you've listened to.
It's THE song. For a couple of day anyway, 'cause then you find another one and the circle repeat itself.
I like old music, the old sounds. Those songs make me feel alive. They make me think normally.
For me, music is the air I breathe, the love I feel for the man of my dreams.

Today, MBLAQ proved why they are first in my heart no matter what. And that reason is called "If You Come Into My Heart", a 2010 track C-Luv re-arranged and performed together with the boys. Yeah, k-pop. Yeah, I'm a k-popper and will never be afraid or ashamed to admit it. Because just listening to their voices I realize that there's a reason why I came to discover their music, why my heart beats fast whenever I recognize their voices in a crowd.
To music, there's always a reason.
What's your reason for listening to your favourite group/genre?

From waves I was born...

This blog will keep track of my feelings, so don't get confused if I change from one post to another.

I'll reveal my colours, my thoughts, I'll talk about the world as I see it, about movies, books, what I write, what I am like and specially, I will talk about the future.

I wanted to reinvent myself, so I left my old blog and created this one. 

And this post is an introduction. So yeah, hi! ^~^