silver wolf

silver wolf

sniffing the snow in search of prey

howls for the moon

but she stays hidden

while an entire pack soon answers

they're all there

all looking, all sniffing

searching and looking for trouble

while the blizzard is blinding them all

the wind carrying their cries

silver wolf 

surrounded by his pack

sees their shadows

like mirror

reflecting their hallow souls

one is darker than the other

but all are defeated

when the moon rises high

on the starry sky

only if she'd rise

silver wolf

cries for his own shadow

hidden by trees

and gets surrounded

by his own folk

silver wolf

can see their black eyes

questioning his calling

but the howl's in his throat

and once again he calls with no answer

silver wolf

surrounded by his entire pack

offered a bloody prize

watch with hungry eyes

turns his back on them

dark is the forest

that hides him from them

frozen is the air around him

as he walks and walks and walks

further from them and him and the moon that doesn't answer

numb are his senses

and number they get with every step

paw in front of paw

following a path known only by him

howling no more

silver wolf

carries a different heart

that's been over the big waters

that's heard the swallows sing

witnessed the fall of his own spirit

silver wolf

lonely creature surrounded by his folk

was lonelier than alone

without the moon above

and all the pack around him

and like exiled

he chose the storm

to shelter his mind

from the thick darkness

taking over his mind

numb he went into the darkness

of the ancient forest

numb he bit his tongue

to trap in his howls

numb he disappeared

his tracks lost

his soul lost

lonesome wolf

he lost himself

in the forest that grew on the inside

his howl lost

his graze lost

lonesome wolf

he sought himself

in the solitude of but himself

the forest enclosed him

his mind

separating him from his pack

the steadily turned wildlings

walking on two in the shadows

silver wolf

lonesome wolf

circled the hole that had grown in him

and dived in its darkness

embracing his now found shadow

and as the pack forgot

he grew indeed wild

inside the forest of his mind

as the moon shone down

not piercing his new found shadow

silver wolf

solitary wildling

with dense shadow

no longer needed the pack

and rested forgotten as he forgot as well

turn

I seem to keep coming back when darkness hits me from the inside. I thought it gone, vanished, pulverized into tranquility... but no, it's here, banging on the inside in my chest asking to be let out. And I'm scared, terrified that once out I'll never be able to contain, fold it to the back of mind, conceal its shadows. I'm scared that I'll pick on my oldest wounds, remind my body about the thousand knives that are to come. I'm scared that once out me, the me I came to like, the me that allowed to smile even a little bit under the bandages that kept me nicely intact, the me that fought - I'm scared it will die, slowly transforming into dust.

I have darkness in me. The type of darkness you usually take to therapy has nested inside of me, its teeth of insecurities biting on my rib cage, acid tornadoes of 'maybe's and 'perhaps's wrecking the quiet settlements of my brains. This darkness forces my eyes down on the tip of my shoes and my apologies out from the tip of my tongue. This darkness chases me into complete silence, close on the right to the Oblivion. And falling is only a matter of time...

Maybe you've been there or maybe you're still there, lingering, pacing around it's edges... how did you survive your darkness? Here it's raining and light it's fading away while the number of stretched out hands gets smaller as I am forced to acknowledge the depths of this darkness, laughing back at myself while I keep silent on the outside. How do you keep yourself safe, away from falling? Is alone enough for survival? Can my fingers hold tight on the edge and not let go of them? Can I trust them and not give into temptation to just... let go?

Tell me, you who have been there, can I dress up the holes on the inside and shush down the wind that's howling... can you hear it? A deafening hiss of silence, like an invisible serpent that's in there, entwining himself around my heart and the darkness that can't wait to take over. Can I paint them over and pretend it's skin, as if I'm normal, not wounded or bleeding, not bearing old scares on my mind? Or maybe I could just empty my entire body of blood and turn into a cadaver with sparkling eyes and a smile that says "Don't mind me, everything's just fine."

I don't think you know either, how to keep on breathing when silence is so deafening, when the war itself is tired of fighting, when alone is all you have... because alone is all you have. You can surround yourself with all the humans on the planet and they can all love you strongly, deeply, 'cause you'd still be alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. It's a dramatic word, but at least it can't let you down, it doesn't give up on you when darkness pulls you under.

Maybe giving in, going under and drowning is the best my conservation instinct can come up to. If so, who am I to say no to? Drowning would still be a better exit from this scene than listening to all the raindrops falling over me while holding on the edge... yes, drowning should be warm.

And if I end up turning to the darkness, please forgive me for I'll no longer be me.

u

forgive my unworthy self

for reaching for you

i bear your slap

like a warrior his wounds

i wrap it in bloody laps

but the burn just won't go away

from my heart

these pills

happy pills

will bring a new tomorrow

when today is nothing but mud

at the bottom of a pool

these pills

if i were to swallow

i think they'd make you happy

knowing i left

drifted to another self

these pills

will make you master

while i'll fall in disgrace

like flowers from a sick tree

i will not finish my blooming

these pills

will build me a ladder 

to all skies if i reach

wouldn't make me happier

than having left you behind

in this silence i know

you are but a shadow

the road is wide enough

for us to pass

shoulder by shoulder

and as you brush past me

i'll see your back

and stars will all dawn

but at least i'll be alone

with only myself

and i do not call out the darkness of mind

love

listen to the owls

calling on each other

like you and me

cascades

falling into each other

listen to the winds

fight with each other

like you and me

tornadoes 

crashing into each other

see the full moon

knocking on your window

like i look for you

shadow

in the vast dessert 

feel the rhythm

throbbing under your hand

spilling a secret

heartbeat

in a frail rib cage

taste the sweetness

berries of wilderness

untethering my pulse

mustang 

on an ancient prairie

darkness into darkness

pour 

and light a fire

brighter

than a sun

put out

light with light

and lie down

darkness next to darkness

to sleep

star next to star

looking at each other

eons of constellations

bursting

into stellar dust

i feel the wind

rustling

weaving tall grass

trading

green for yellow

face to face

nothing keeping them apart

water and willow

kissing

under the sun

all that's nothing

and nothing that's all

dance together

darkness and light

combine

love written on wind

carried away

watered

by oceans

until you get it

my love.