Angel

"Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful?

Will you still love me when I've got nothing left but my aching soul?"

I found you when I was lost. You were the first one to reach a hand to the wounded me, the first one to ever smile a real smile. And all I saw was light and the sparkling eyes of what I thought it was one of God's angels. But you were more real than my pain, your touch gaving me more sensations than the arrow holes in my back.

I found you - or maybe you came looking for me, knowing that I was in need of you?

And then life played tricks on us... all the deceiving calls, the lies and fights, the way we'd spend days, weeks without talking to each other. The way we would date others and always find a way to make each other jealous over the new 'acquisitions'. And the perfect way we'd always return to each other because we know that we could find comfort only when we'd find the other's arms.

Then that summer day with the sun shining brighter than in any other day. The way you got on your knee while I was hanging our clothes on the string behind the house. The way I wrapped my arms around your neck, choking with thin air and unable to speak, I still nodded, I still let you know my answer, my promise for the next half of life.

And then autumns and winters, springs and summers, day and night, seconds and minutes or having you next to me. It made me wonder if it wasn't all a stupid, childish dream, if maybe I was dying and you were truly and angel sent by God. But either way, you were mine.

And look at us now - the wrinkles we grew together, the books we both read, the teas we drank, the stupid tears we spilled over unborn babies or melodramatic theater performances. We're old, my dear. 

And every day, I watch you slip away in a time I cannot follow you. You're like a time traveler, going back and forth between now and then.

"One day, dear God, give me one day only to talk to the real him," I prayed night by night after closing the door to the room you refused me. "Give me just a day with him and nothing more than that. I beg of you..."

That's how I would pray. Day by day, night by night, always waking up with the strong belief that the man in the next room will recognize me and will stop asking for the younger version of me. And day by day, he would fall deeper into that trance, forgetting bit by bit everything about my existence.

Until one day the eyes sparkled in the dull present where I had to watch him fall in love with another while I, his wife, the love of his life, had no room at all. I was the third wheel. Unwanted...

And putting his hand over mine, our wedding rings shone into the sun light. And his smile - the more beautiful thing I was ever given to see. Bright like a day and warm like the biggest fire that was ever lit.

"Will you still love me when I've got nothing else left than my aching soul?" He asked, remembering perhaps the fear I lived with until I gathered my courage to ask him if he'd still love me once I get wrinkles and get smelly.

"You're an angel - my angel. You saved me when even God wasn't paying any attention to me. You lift me up from the dirt and made me a woman, a best friend, a lover and a wife. You are my husband, the love of my life. I'll always love you," I would answer too scared to even breathe in front of his sad eyes.

"The leave. Leave me be and go live your few left years away from me. 'Cause I only stain the memory of us, the love we shared. Leave me, dear."

An angel dies away from home, away from familiar arms.

An angel remains an angel even in death. Even in Alzheimer...

"I know you will, I know that, I know.

Our summer days, our electric souls... we're old now, dear."

I Don't Know Either

Maybe it's because I'm growing up or maybe it's because I changed for the past year so much that I barely recognize myself. But lately I've found myself thinking of a future I presently can't actually see. It's somewhere far, far away from me. But still, I like to dream of it from time to time. It keeps me motivated.

And so I got to make a list of all the things I'd like my life partner to have. The result? I'd like him to be a doctor (and not because I'm obsessed with Derek Shepherd of Grey's Anatomy). Just... at first, I'd like to have him by my side because I'm that type of person that hurts herself even when opening a bottle of water and I'd like to have someone to put a bandage over my scratched knees, to kiss my bruised fingers, to fuss over a small cut.

And then, when we'd have kids, I would stop being a kid myself and he would be able to figure out why the baby is screaming and can't sleep, why his tummy hurts and he could make him or her better. And I wouldn't cry, there wouldn't be sleepless nights by a crib.

I'm selfish, I know, but I would be willing to wait for him until he'd be great on his own: a great doctor or a great surgeon. A great person by my side. I would just to satisfy my own selfish desire... 

 And this person on the left - this wonderful person that shines as bright as the moon does during a starless night, this person is currently the one I like to think of as my better half. He's a man born on 16th of October, sharing his birthday with me. Three things differentiate us: the gender, the years we were born in and the different paths we walk on.

This man is the only one that can make me smile even when I cry bitter tears. When I hear his voice, when I see his smile, it's like everything disappears and the wrong turns right.

And as selfish as I am, I like to think that he's my soulmate. He's the one I will always sustain, no matter the miles in between or the language barrier or anything else. I won't matter if he's married and has kids - I will support him and show him the respect I wish I had in this life of mine.

Childish, isn't it? 

Stupid, right?

Is it really impossible for someone to feel the way I feel? 'Cause when I look at his picture, when I hear his songs, when I watch his interviews, I just know everything is alright and just like he made it and his light turned brighter than any other star, I will be just fine no matter where I'll end up in this life.

It's not love, 'cause I don't think I know how to love yet. It's not admiration either, because I don't wish to be there, in his place. Is something in between those and some more. Something the words cannot contain, cannot explain. Is something... that can only be felt.

It's funny when I think of myself old and smelly, cranky and blind, but still smiling brightly when hearing his old songs. I wish - if there really is a link between us we cannot see or feel yet - there was a way I could hear from him even after he leaves the stage those younger than him. Just knowing him alright and happy, I think I will be able to put up with all the pills we all end up taking when old.

Two dreams, two ideal types, two men that have small chances to ever be by my side.

Two different me.

This is all in my head and heart.

But only future will give me an answer, so I'll wait for a reply from God, fate, destiny, future or whoever can tell me what awaits ahead...

The Cemetery of My Soul

Life? The dust falling over you into a rain of solid crystal clear tears.

Dreaming? Chimerical calling into a mad game, built from forever changing bricks.

Today I spent my time on the top of the last wall that keeps me locked inside here. It's a thick wall, built of stone that was eroded by the dirty waters that keep on washing it, a wall made to protect me, to keep me safe,away from the world of the deceiving fog. I never doubted its loyalty, never intended to cross it or bring it down.

Inside here, in my little box, the music can be heard quite clear. It's a background sound, clear and quiet, sweet and warm, but sad and distant at the same time.

It's difficult to get in here. And the exit... it's a path going miles towards the West, bathed by the sun and so large that a whole army could walk on it and they'd still never reach its edges; its the resting place of all those who have left. A cemetery with thick, tall memorial stones, wooden, stony, thick marble memorial stones. And silence rules over them all.

But sometimes, sometimes a rumble can be heard. It makes you cringe and cry, feel lonely and loved at the same time. It makes you go crazy with its heavy perfume of lilies. And in the old, abandoned church, the owls watch over the altar - my place to hide when I'm scared or what to cry.

And today I'm once again alone. He left with a warm smile, with a touch filled with regret, leaving behind only a shadow that died away with the light of the sun. And there, a new memorial stone appeared, a glorious keeper of white marble on which you can read: "I want to pave your way with a million of shooting stars..."

Fallen. Shaken. Woken up and once again hurt. Hidden and tear-stained. Cheerful and loving. I've been all of these. And for what? For who? What's the meaning of having so many divine dreams?! Human is only the insensate ground I step on and maybe the rain that seeds empty promises in the wind. They, all of those who have been here have lost this quality once they disappeared like broken ideals.

I hate doing this and yet, here I am once again, doing it all over again. To whom do I belong? What can I do next?

I let them in, I'm happy when they're around. I never say a word though about their ending that I know oh, so well. And when the moment finally comes, I turn to stone and stay silent like them. I keep quiet and I cry bloody tears. And then I perish. I walk beside them, walking down on long forgotten paths, trodden by hurt souls, scarred by all the blood shed during lost battles.

And I have one single question:

"Oh Lord, why do I torment myself with the same old death only to face resurrection once again?!"

-- old post written back in 2011, translated today, 4th of August 2013

2am

Middle of the night and I think the clock is stuck. 2am. For more than two hours it has showed the same swan like figure... Has the time stopped for me? Has it finally came to an end? This time I ended up cursing at, begging for a second to stay still and allow me to... what?

Run away.

2am - shadows and darkness, grayness and a hurricane of thoughts that just can't be stopped. Lies, it's all lies. Liars, we are all liars! 'Cause even when there's nothing more to say, we still say 'Hey, it's ok.', 'cause even when we have to deal with the end, we still say 'I'll always be here.'.

Liars. We are all liars.

Blood and bruises and a forgotten cup of coffee on the edge of the bathtub. No one understands that the coldness has crept into my body, that now is that time when I'm the most lucid being on this stupid planet. No one understands that I have eyes that do not have to see, ear that do not have to hear, hands that do not have to touch - 'cause there is fear. Fear and a thousand of bad reasons why the words have sank into the flesh, why there's a hole on the inside - a hole that shows me the universe.

2am - I'm leaving.

Today is the day when I'm moving away from this place.

I'm running away without a thing in my bag, without a jacket on my shoulders. I'm running away without looking back, 'cause I know you're still there, scowling at me with your Jake by your side. I'm running away because there's nothing else to say...

A mirror shows the fog inside the bathroom, but it shows a totally different world through the yellow stains on its glass. A world that had died, a lost paradise, a broken jar full of teeth for the Tooth Fairy. A world that was more like a lie than reality for us all.

Middle of the night and coldness has been blown inside here for quite a while now. I can see the hole I wear getting larger and larger, a whole black hole getting born into this mess of world I live in. Would someone care? Would someone wonder what happened to the sky? To the yellow sun the kids used to draw? To the birds singing high up in the sky? To me?

No. Because we've let go of the last thing that made us human - humanity. We've forgot to look up from the pavement, we've forgot that a word can build a world or crumble it down, the the eyes are the mirror of a heart, that we hold hands not because it's all about sex but because we need warmth and closeness of another of our kind. We've forgot the the sky if blue and the grass is green, that we like to play hide-and-seek, that we all wanted to be superheros at a certain point.

We... forgot all about being ourselves and lost in a mass of humanoids that just think.

But I won't stay. So, I'm running away, I'm leaving this place.

And further than you can find me, I'm leaving, I'm leaving today. I will never let you find me, so stay guard to the past I won't look back at.

So try, try to understand me, understand what I'm saying when I say I won't let you step on me. So don't give me your reasons, I don't want to hear your lies, you begging me to stay.

I'm leaving 'cause today time has finally stopped in place for me.

And it's cold.

My Universe, can you see my Universe?

My mirror, my crossed lines, my broken rules.

My story to tell, my life to give away...