Death of the Humming Bird

Wherever you are, I wanna go too...

Wherever you go, I wanna come along...

Through your eyes I saw the end of this love. I saw everything right from the beginning, but chose to stay blind. I saw everything written on sand, but chose to step on it. I believed I was strong enough to write my own ending, a proper one, a happy one, a distanced one...

In the darkest places, your voice was the only one that could twinkle like a star, bringing me faith, giving me hope.

When the water was high enough to swallow me, your hand was the only one strong enough to pull me out.

When the fire was closing like a ring around me and eyes were watching, you were one of the few that had faith in me that I'd manage through the ring without getting burnt...

In this whole world, I feel the safest next to you...

In this whole world, I feel the safest when you're around...

It was you that held me together when everything was falling apart, when I felt like dying and wanted to let go. And it was you who made me strong enough to realize that the story was getting not such a nice ending...

And now that I've come to this crossroads, I am to think if I am grateful or sad... 'Cause with a heart like mine, all glued back and broken once again, hate might destroy just about everything. And I don't want to hate you. I want to remember that just for a little while, I was beside you, I walked down the same path as you, I protected the place beside you for the one who's meant to be there forever - not me...

And now we got here, it's a one-way road...

And now we got here, what's there left to say?

In this world, there was one single song I now want to sing and make my voice heard in the suffocating crowd: for a little while, I was happy and I will find my happiness once again, away from you...

Du-ri-ru, du-ri-ru, it's like a humming bird,

Du-ri-ru, du-ri-ru, where should I go from here?

Goodbye My Something'n'Something...

I'm but normal: no superpowers, no special talent to put me in the spotlight. I haven't been all around the world, nor have I weird tastes in matter of music or fashion. I'm plain, boring if you want to put it that way. I hold but my soul and nothing else. A pitiful and scarred beating heart it's all I hold with both my hands.

It's all I could have given to you...

I'm but a simple girl: I've got no power to change the ways of the world and I more than surely lead a boring, eventless life after college. I'll probably be raising cats and read in the evening, sleeping with the lights on, 'cause you know that I fear the darkness lurking outside after dusk. I'll be but small and left behind over and over again. All I'll be left with will be my dreams - beautiful, rising and dying dreams.

It's all I wanted to share with you...

I may be putting down words because I'm young and fearless, but it won't bring me any success later on, it won't turn me into a real writer, no. I'll forever be an obscure writer, hiding underground and using metaphors to hide my soul. I'll be small, but a pebble under your vast sky.

And you'll be shining over me, so distant, so bright...

And even if I want to consider myself important I know there's no way you'll remember me over years. It's bound to be forgotten, buried under dust and left to rotten under the grass of the summer that never got to meet us both... 

Day 1 and I was all confused. A hand offered and it got me all sparkling, running, ephemerally moving down in spirals of smiles and heat.

Day 37 and I was the special one. Friend, you came to me like a torch into the darkness that scared me, like warmth during the blizzard when in fact all you were was a thief. You stole something from me and I still must get my hands all bloody to get it back from you.

And we were already halfway through this story I'm putting down while reminiscing...

Day 45 and I cried for the first time. It's not easy to be me: dreams, hopes, thoughts and smiles - all shattered, all cracked, all crumbling. And for the first time my heart wavered...

Day 59 and once again I cried. It's all fuzzy and confusing, the reason behind all those. But I remember how it ended: a broken vase on the floor, a broken heart in my chest and a closed door.

And before I could grab onto you, I realized...

Day something'n'something and it was all gone, slipped through my fingers, escaped and flew away just like a bird that overcame its fear of the liberty awaiting outside the bars of a rusty cage. You went away like a lake running dry under a hideous heating sun...

And before I could grab onto you, I realized: you were never mine to begin with...

I was maybe too young for you, love...

Or maybe too old?

If She'd Be Gone...

So many come and go.

As the world goes round and round, so many go without getting a chance to say a word, to bid farewell, to just hold the hand of the dear ones.

I'm still a child, a young adult that seeks adventure away from home, away from mother. I sought distance from the only person I trust that I can call in the middle of the night without ever upsetting her, the incredible freedom of adulthood - all away from mother.

It's silly, you know, how I used to think she's an almighty goddess, a powerful being that could ease my pain, rock me to sleep after nightmares, heal my broken heart when the kids outside would push me away from their games, stopping to bring me sweets on her way from work, teaching me that the kittens and all the animals around me need to be pet, not hugged tightly. She used forever young and powerful - immortal.

The hand that guided me thought 19 years of life, the voice that called me, scolded me, taught me wise words, the feet that always brought her back me - they're all getting old, you know?

And here I am, all grown-up now, sitting in the darkness of my mind and trying to imagine a world without mom, a world where she no longer picks up the phone to hear me crying because of a broken heart, a world where she no longer buys me books, a world where I need to really let go of her hand and only remember her from pictures. Such a world... it's unimaginable!

And I fear the day I'll get a phone call to be announced of my loss or even worse, the day I'll have to find heron my own, all cold and pale, her cheek turned away from me forever. I fear that on that day, I'll still be all alone and that I'll have no one to turn to, my mother, to tell her about the pain as sharp as a stabbing knife through my heart. I'm scared of that day because I'll have to be strong and do so many things she does not need, but only to prove the others I'm a decent daughter and strong enough to stand on two - and all I'll ever want would be to lie next to her and feel her caressing me, telling me it will be alright.

And suddenly, everything will stop being alright forever...

I'm scared that I'll forget her, that I'll forget her laughter, her malicious comments, her bubbly aura, her lovely personality, her small figure and incredible strength. I'm afraid I'll be left with only pictures and words like: "She was my mother." or that I'll be left with only dreams in the middle of the night, dreams with old memories I'd have no access to during daylight.

If she's be gone, I'd stop functioning properly as well. Half of me would be dead: the child in me that cries "mother" would be left with no air and choked to death.

If she'd be gone, I'd only want to lie down on the ground and die as well.

If she'd be gone, I wouldn't know how to be any longer.

If she'd be gone, "home" would disappear as well...

So I beg all Heavens above: give me the power to turn back time when the moment comes. Let her stay and never take her away from me!

Waiting...

I've been standing here for some time now, watching lights fasting by, trying to count the shadows and getting everything wrong in the end.

I've been here for so long, singing for deaf ears that I no longer care: that they never look passed my broken strings, that I've been believing in broken love all along, that my fingers are freezing, that winter is here... Winter has come.

I've been here for so long, saw so many that my eyes must have turned blind from all the fights and broken glasses, the screams and bad words escaping bleeding lips. But somehow I still see the lights - pure globes of incandescent passion, warmth passing from finger to finger, from palm to palm, from body to body... Love burning as bright as the sun on the sky.

I've been here for so long that my throat is all dry, leaving me with only the humming. And I turned into a bird, accompanied by broken strings of a black guitar. The song I'm singing for deaf ears is the story that I must not forget, the only thing that really belongs to me: the story of a broken shard.

And winter is here and my fingers feel numb, my breath has turned into white vapors, drawing lines where the sheet of paper was white and erasing words where everything seemed to go wrong.

And night is swallowing everything, making me tremble in the darkness of the corner that hides me. Where do I go? Where do I go from here on? Can I really leave behind my broken strings? Can I really remember walking when I've been standing for such a long time?

And I look ahead of me: there's no you.

Winter is out, so standing right here will be the right thing to do...

Maybe, just maybe you'll take me with you this time...