Saturday 30 November 2013

If She'd Be Gone...

So many come and go.
As the world goes round and round, so many go without getting a chance to say a word, to bid farewell, to just hold the hand of the dear ones.
I'm still a child, a young adult that seeks adventure away from home, away from mother. I sought distance from the only person I trust that I can call in the middle of the night without ever upsetting her, the incredible freedom of adulthood - all away from mother.
It's silly, you know, how I used to think she's an almighty goddess, a powerful being that could ease my pain, rock me to sleep after nightmares, heal my broken heart when the kids outside would push me away from their games, stopping to bring me sweets on her way from work, teaching me that the kittens and all the animals around me need to be pet, not hugged tightly. She used forever young and powerful - immortal.
The hand that guided me thought 19 years of life, the voice that called me, scolded me, taught me wise words, the feet that always brought her back me - they're all getting old, you know?
And here I am, all grown-up now, sitting in the darkness of my mind and trying to imagine a world without mom, a world where she no longer picks up the phone to hear me crying because of a broken heart, a world where she no longer buys me books, a world where I need to really let go of her hand and only remember her from pictures. Such a world... it's unimaginable!
And I fear the day I'll get a phone call to be announced of my loss or even worse, the day I'll have to find heron my own, all cold and pale, her cheek turned away from me forever. I fear that on that day, I'll still be all alone and that I'll have no one to turn to, my mother, to tell her about the pain as sharp as a stabbing knife through my heart. I'm scared of that day because I'll have to be strong and do so many things she does not need, but only to prove the others I'm a decent daughter and strong enough to stand on two - and all I'll ever want would be to lie next to her and feel her caressing me, telling me it will be alright.
And suddenly, everything will stop being alright forever...
I'm scared that I'll forget her, that I'll forget her laughter, her malicious comments, her bubbly aura, her lovely personality, her small figure and incredible strength. I'm afraid I'll be left with only pictures and words like: "She was my mother." or that I'll be left with only dreams in the middle of the night, dreams with old memories I'd have no access to during daylight.
If she's be gone, I'd stop functioning properly as well. Half of me would be dead: the child in me that cries "mother" would be left with no air and choked to death.
If she'd be gone, I'd only want to lie down on the ground and die as well.
If she'd be gone, I wouldn't know how to be any longer.
If she'd be gone, "home" would disappear as well...
So I beg all Heavens above: give me the power to turn back time when the moment comes. Let her stay and never take her away from me!

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