Abyss

My words scramble down the paper, they flow restlessly and form lines - lines of pain, lines of black blood trickling down the white sheet of paper, soaking it with dark circles. They do not tell a story and they do not tell the truth. My words are but my reflected image put down, not in a drawing, but in a sketch of lines and countless question marks.

My words are the obnoxious part of me, the one that is trapped somewhere deep inside the abyss of my soul. For that who does not recognize darkness inside is but a mere fool. Darkness is there: in you, oh yes, in you too. It's like a seed planted way before time, a seed fallen from the maggoty forbidden fruit Eve has picked out as the most delicious apple there was in Eden's Garden. And it's growing... day by day, minute by minute, it spreads its roots and it cages your heart into an iron-like fist. It torments your soul, it makes you scream from the inside. That is not you. That is not the real you! That is not who they're supposed to see, to judge. But there you are, trapped, a porcelain doll among so many others.

And there's nothing that could deliver your soul from evil.

But these are my words, my magical power, my way of defeating the dragon at the end of the story. For I got the power to say when it's done and the power to write 'Fin' at the end of this book. It's mine - the power belongs to me.

So come meet me, dear reflected image. Come meet me, to settle this once and for all! For I see the way you try to stretch out of your glassy mirror, your eyes rummaging around for a hand to hold on. I recognize that look in your eyes - after all, your face mirrors my own feelings... And I do not want to end up trapped behind glossy glass!

So come meet me, dear reflected image. These are my words, my world, my salvation. I will give him up to you, 'cause he's turned blind and cannot see the bloody tears rolling down my cheeks. He never really did anyway...

Darkness.

These are my words.

Reflected.

I'm part of you just as much as you grow inside of me - the symptoms of a new disease.

The Most Beautiful Smile

The most beautiful smile is the one you're wearing each day, the one that shines brightly in your eyes, the one that you're showing to everybody but me, because you have a special one for me, one that makes you shine like a little diamond exposed to the sunlight.

The most beautiful smile is that of a broken heart that is still insecure, still scared, still trying to glue itself back together, but still working hard to have confidence and restore its trust in humanity.

The most beautiful smile is the one that you show after you wake up, messing your bed hair and looking like a five year old kid while hugging the pillow, stretching your hands towards the cold part of the bedsheet, 'cause you know exactly where you'll find me.

The most beautiful smile is the one that you try to suppress because eyes are watching and you should look tough and powerful like a mighty god, when in fact everything is just a lame show they put up for you.

The most beautiful smile is the one that blooms on your lips when you pick up the phone, using fake names and random place names to confuse those you eavesdrop on your conversation.

The most beautiful smile is that filled with the sadness of teary eyes, the one that appears when arms wrap around your shoulders, protective, promising never to let go and never to abandon you despite the stormy weather. You're a man, a powerful human being, you cannot bend, you cannot break down - and yet there's this one person that has seen your tears and have taken them away with gentle fingers and lips, until a small, shy smile appears in the corners of your lips.

The most beautiful smile is that of a love confession you never planned and yet escaped your lips, shocking the audience, making your heart pound heavily inside your chest.

The most beautiful smile is that when you close your eyes under the sunlight, feeling the warmth against your pale skin, trying to catch in invisible pictures all those fuzzy feelings that cuddle inside your chest.

The most beautiful smile is the one you show when you're by your own, sneaking out of the bed in the middle of the bed just to take a bite of that round and delicious-looking pie in the fridge, the one that appears when your taste buds are on cloud nine, the one that guiltily shines when you're caught red handed.

The most beautiful smile appears when you know your working hours are over and you can hurry back home, when you can throw off the tight suit and put on an extra large t-shirt and a pair of sweat pants, when you can just wrap your arm around my waist and stay like that seconds that turn into minutes and minutes that turn into hours, 'cause you were too tired to wait for the goodnight kiss.

But the most beautiful, shining smile is the one that appears whenever I call your name. It illuminates your whole being, it warms up your cheeks, it travels to the soul, making it shine through those beautiful, brown and kind eyes of yours. It makes your rush your fingers through your hair and bite your lower lip as the corners of your mouth remain up, twirled in the most beautiful and boyish smile I saw on your lips.

So, wherever you are now, I want you to know that you have the most beautiful smile in the whole world. 

Precious, brilliant smile, come back home, alright? I'll be waiting right here.

I love you.

Beautiful Life

Lime green.

Deep, sky blue.

A pair of flats.

Shorts.

A stained t-shirt.

And ice-cream.

You're sitting one arm away from me, looking up at the sky, probably wishing to be on one of those white planes that leave a white trail behind them as they mark the sky with whitish towards gray stripes. And you wish you would be there while I wish I'd just be closer to you. So close that I would get to hear your heart beat, so close that I would feel your perfume invading my lungs, so close that you would have to look down to look into my eyes, 'cause you're just as tall as I imagined.

I was always the black cat with a naughty desire to change the world, to make them all see the sky before the night ends.

You on the other side, were the white dove, the messenger of peace, the one that brought hope above the doomed ones, while I was the curse, the one with the bad luck. But I wished for you, you know? I wished to have you between my paws, to touch your feathers and feel their softness, to understand the reason you love blue while I love green, to see your green eyes with my blue ones, to touch the bare skin of your soles and follow in your footsteps before the water washed them away, finding your trail from me.

I was the daring one while you always hid behind your solitude. But maybe I was too damn green to understand your blues, so I just went ahead and hugged you from behind, burying my nose in your white shirt, sniffing your skin through its texture. Talking about being shameless!

Oh dear, love is out and calling your name, can't you hear it?

Despite me being still wishful that one day you'd stretch your arm and let me join you as your black soulmate, the one that has been wandering around for too long, it's such a sad situation that I got you to chase after, my life is still beautiful. 'Cause I'm in love with you and it's something permanent, something that cannot be damaged by time, distance, broken promises or forgotten vows.

I love deep sky blue.

You seem to have a thing for lime green.

We're both young and amazingly steady on this rotating ground.

Ice-cream.

Two pair of shoes.

The cat and the white dove...

Can Somebody Save Me Now?

I'm foolishly wear this rag of smile every day. 
Each day.
Even if I'm mad, it's easy to change my mood and pretend I'm happy if I put it up. It's like an old t-shirt that has holes in the fabric, revealing bits of the skin that finds underneath it. But even if it's old, it's comfortable enough for you to prefer it to the fancy lace and silk gown that lies still new in your closet. It's like an old bike that you keep using, despite the tire being flat. You prefer pumping some air in than go buy a new one.
I'm stupid enough to wear it every day, in front of everyone. I don't frown if there's someone around. You might catch me frowning at a book I'm reading and even that is pretty rarely coming from me. I don't cry in front of people. I just... put on a smile and swallow my tears for later, for a bathroom or a dark room with drawn curtains and music filling the stiff air.
I wear a smile every day ever since someone said my sad face is depressing to see every single day. I guess a smiling one is easier to stand and have around, right?
But if my sadness used to once be on my lips, I'm afraid it has gone to my eyes. It wasn't there before. My eyes were normal, plain brown eyes, sparkling or dry, always looking straight in the eyes of the person in front. But now they're dull, soulless eyes staring at the shoes. Always at the shoes. Because if I raise them and look someone in the eyes, I'm afraid I might scare them away. 
For who would love a girl with sad eyes?
So I wear this rag of a smile every single day, holding tight on it and hoping that it will last till the night sets over my bed and I close my eyes, that it won't break down and reveal my true self in front of the whole world.
For who would love a girl with sad lips?
This smile is everything I have, the only thing I held dear for seven years now. And even when my dears one passed away, even when I was hurt, when I was in pain, when I was unable to speak or move, when I cried because of a sad, tragic movie, when I suffered for a poor being being abused, that smile was still there, in the corners of my lips, invisible to the others like Harry Potter's invisible cloak. Only I knew about it and it protected me from the outside world.
For who would love a sad girl?
But I feel the smile fading away, slowly coming off my face like a muddy mask in contact with water or like show under the bright sun. What would I do without it to protect me? What will I be without it around to keep me safe? What would I look like without it?
My smile, the only friend that knew my secret, the only one that read my heart like an open book, this smile is fading away.
Can't you save me?

"It's a cold, cold world out there

Sometimes I feel like nobody cares

I'm down, down, down

Can somebody save me?"