The Most Beautiful Smile

The most beautiful smile is the one you're wearing each day, the one that shines brightly in your eyes, the one that you're showing to everybody but me, because you have a special one for me, one that makes you shine like a little diamond exposed to the sunlight.

The most beautiful smile is that of a broken heart that is still insecure, still scared, still trying to glue itself back together, but still working hard to have confidence and restore its trust in humanity.

The most beautiful smile is the one that you show after you wake up, messing your bed hair and looking like a five year old kid while hugging the pillow, stretching your hands towards the cold part of the bedsheet, 'cause you know exactly where you'll find me.

The most beautiful smile is the one that you try to suppress because eyes are watching and you should look tough and powerful like a mighty god, when in fact everything is just a lame show they put up for you.

The most beautiful smile is the one that blooms on your lips when you pick up the phone, using fake names and random place names to confuse those you eavesdrop on your conversation.

The most beautiful smile is that filled with the sadness of teary eyes, the one that appears when arms wrap around your shoulders, protective, promising never to let go and never to abandon you despite the stormy weather. You're a man, a powerful human being, you cannot bend, you cannot break down - and yet there's this one person that has seen your tears and have taken them away with gentle fingers and lips, until a small, shy smile appears in the corners of your lips.

The most beautiful smile is that of a love confession you never planned and yet escaped your lips, shocking the audience, making your heart pound heavily inside your chest.

The most beautiful smile is that when you close your eyes under the sunlight, feeling the warmth against your pale skin, trying to catch in invisible pictures all those fuzzy feelings that cuddle inside your chest.

The most beautiful smile is the one you show when you're by your own, sneaking out of the bed in the middle of the bed just to take a bite of that round and delicious-looking pie in the fridge, the one that appears when your taste buds are on cloud nine, the one that guiltily shines when you're caught red handed.

The most beautiful smile appears when you know your working hours are over and you can hurry back home, when you can throw off the tight suit and put on an extra large t-shirt and a pair of sweat pants, when you can just wrap your arm around my waist and stay like that seconds that turn into minutes and minutes that turn into hours, 'cause you were too tired to wait for the goodnight kiss.

But the most beautiful, shining smile is the one that appears whenever I call your name. It illuminates your whole being, it warms up your cheeks, it travels to the soul, making it shine through those beautiful, brown and kind eyes of yours. It makes your rush your fingers through your hair and bite your lower lip as the corners of your mouth remain up, twirled in the most beautiful and boyish smile I saw on your lips.

So, wherever you are now, I want you to know that you have the most beautiful smile in the whole world. 

Precious, brilliant smile, come back home, alright? I'll be waiting right here.

I love you.

Beautiful Life

Lime green.

Deep, sky blue.

A pair of flats.

Shorts.

A stained t-shirt.

And ice-cream.

You're sitting one arm away from me, looking up at the sky, probably wishing to be on one of those white planes that leave a white trail behind them as they mark the sky with whitish towards gray stripes. And you wish you would be there while I wish I'd just be closer to you. So close that I would get to hear your heart beat, so close that I would feel your perfume invading my lungs, so close that you would have to look down to look into my eyes, 'cause you're just as tall as I imagined.

I was always the black cat with a naughty desire to change the world, to make them all see the sky before the night ends.

You on the other side, were the white dove, the messenger of peace, the one that brought hope above the doomed ones, while I was the curse, the one with the bad luck. But I wished for you, you know? I wished to have you between my paws, to touch your feathers and feel their softness, to understand the reason you love blue while I love green, to see your green eyes with my blue ones, to touch the bare skin of your soles and follow in your footsteps before the water washed them away, finding your trail from me.

I was the daring one while you always hid behind your solitude. But maybe I was too damn green to understand your blues, so I just went ahead and hugged you from behind, burying my nose in your white shirt, sniffing your skin through its texture. Talking about being shameless!

Oh dear, love is out and calling your name, can't you hear it?

Despite me being still wishful that one day you'd stretch your arm and let me join you as your black soulmate, the one that has been wandering around for too long, it's such a sad situation that I got you to chase after, my life is still beautiful. 'Cause I'm in love with you and it's something permanent, something that cannot be damaged by time, distance, broken promises or forgotten vows.

I love deep sky blue.

You seem to have a thing for lime green.

We're both young and amazingly steady on this rotating ground.

Ice-cream.

Two pair of shoes.

The cat and the white dove...

Can Somebody Save Me Now?

I'm foolishly wear this rag of smile every day. 
Each day.
Even if I'm mad, it's easy to change my mood and pretend I'm happy if I put it up. It's like an old t-shirt that has holes in the fabric, revealing bits of the skin that finds underneath it. But even if it's old, it's comfortable enough for you to prefer it to the fancy lace and silk gown that lies still new in your closet. It's like an old bike that you keep using, despite the tire being flat. You prefer pumping some air in than go buy a new one.
I'm stupid enough to wear it every day, in front of everyone. I don't frown if there's someone around. You might catch me frowning at a book I'm reading and even that is pretty rarely coming from me. I don't cry in front of people. I just... put on a smile and swallow my tears for later, for a bathroom or a dark room with drawn curtains and music filling the stiff air.
I wear a smile every day ever since someone said my sad face is depressing to see every single day. I guess a smiling one is easier to stand and have around, right?
But if my sadness used to once be on my lips, I'm afraid it has gone to my eyes. It wasn't there before. My eyes were normal, plain brown eyes, sparkling or dry, always looking straight in the eyes of the person in front. But now they're dull, soulless eyes staring at the shoes. Always at the shoes. Because if I raise them and look someone in the eyes, I'm afraid I might scare them away. 
For who would love a girl with sad eyes?
So I wear this rag of a smile every single day, holding tight on it and hoping that it will last till the night sets over my bed and I close my eyes, that it won't break down and reveal my true self in front of the whole world.
For who would love a girl with sad lips?
This smile is everything I have, the only thing I held dear for seven years now. And even when my dears one passed away, even when I was hurt, when I was in pain, when I was unable to speak or move, when I cried because of a sad, tragic movie, when I suffered for a poor being being abused, that smile was still there, in the corners of my lips, invisible to the others like Harry Potter's invisible cloak. Only I knew about it and it protected me from the outside world.
For who would love a sad girl?
But I feel the smile fading away, slowly coming off my face like a muddy mask in contact with water or like show under the bright sun. What would I do without it to protect me? What will I be without it around to keep me safe? What would I look like without it?
My smile, the only friend that knew my secret, the only one that read my heart like an open book, this smile is fading away.
Can't you save me?

"It's a cold, cold world out there

Sometimes I feel like nobody cares

I'm down, down, down

Can somebody save me?"

Nothing Lasts Forever

Who are you?

Who am I?

Who are we and most importantly, what the fuck are we exactly?! 'Cause one thing is for sure: I'm sick and tired of this waiting, of this game you play, of this fucking situation! 

Are you a man of some other kind of strange animal with enhanced breathing and a beating heart in a tin chest?!

Are you some kind of breathing humanoid or a real person, not only a status and a green dot that shows you're online whenever I dare to turn on my PC?!

If yes, move your fucking ass right here and tell me something in person! I'm tired of talking through million of open windows, tired of refreshing the page every two minutes in case you decided to finally press Enter and sent those monosyllabic answers of yours, tired of searching you on the online page, tired of waiting for you to finally grow a pair and tell me something without me pushing you from behind.

Really now, darling, what exactly are you? Please find some time to explain this to me, 'cause I'd be damned if I understand!

You're not my only friend, I hope you know that. So don't act so fucking cold with me, giving me the cold shoulder just to gain more attention, 'cause it won't work! You're just a pinch of salt when I have the fucking Almighty Mount of Salt. You're annoying the crap out of me, you know that?! No, I do love you and all, I do like to see you from time to time, to eat your ice-cream and then give you the innocent face you hate so badly, to pour water on your face while you're still away in your Dreamland. I do love how we waste time counting stars, naming butterflies, thinking of winter and crying for summer with the first snow. I freakin' adore the way you snore and grind your teeth, the way you throw pillows at me from across the room, the way you serenade me with your childish and flowery guitar, the way you hate pink to guts, the way you pick fights for every stupid thing I do only to pinch my cheeks until they turn bright red.

I do, I do. 

But then you have those mood swings and I find you crying at night or you suddenly leave the chat room,

making me wonder if you're still 100% sane or half of you is already put down by the shrink.

I still remember that one night when you showed me your wrist and told me you'd love to see it cut open. Are those blue threads really that interesting to you? 'Cause here, take a good look at mines and then give them back to me! I've been there, alright? I've done all that and I'm not ashamed. I was THIS fucking close from never coming back again. And it was you who shook me back to live with those stupid and annoying as a bitch noises of you continuously hitting the Enter key. I still remember yelling at you "Are you fucking crazy or what?! Someone's trying to have a good death here, you know?!" And you simply turned on your web camera and showed me that insanely pink stuffed toy "Look what I brought for you!". Really, it took me two days and a half, two planes, hitchhiking from Toulouse to Paris, a bus and a couple of steps to knock you off your chair with just one hit and burn that Goddamn pink toy. Really now, I haven't seen something as ugly as that!

But summer's gone and look at me feeling all unsure and uneasy for some odd reason. It's no longer how it used to be. I can feel it. You're too hot to handle with your leather jacket and black eyeliner you started wearing for all the stupid and foolish reasons in the whole world, no shirt to cover you white skin (really, you should try your my foundation or something from now and then), while I on the other side am pitiful like a wet dog that's waiting for the master that has abandoned him. You're like a hot biker that gets all the girls, while I'm the awkward nerd who never get any attention (nerd, not wallflower, dumbass!). You're a genius that words with facts and numbers while I'm the stupid editor that uses words that can't really reach your words. And as much as I wish I could get into your world, that I could speak 1-4-3, it's like trying to have a SRS when I'm not that sure I can be a male with all this feminine thoughts swarming inside my head.

Summer was our season.

Summer is our one and only season, right? And now, like trees and flowers, we're fucking withering under the autumnal sun.

What a shame, darling, what a shame, really! I even pulled my nuts in the spotlight to tell you I like you and now it's over? So, I'm asking you: who the fuck are you and what the fuck are we at this very point? 'Cause I think I'm getting sexually frustrated while waiting for you to open your eyes and see that I haven't got a boyfriend because of you, that I changed my hair style because of you, that I'm wearing a sugar plum eyeliner with all those dazzling sparkly sparks that make my eyes sting whenever I get out of the house, that I'm actually shaving my legs so that I won't look like freakin' King Kong in front of you.

Well, now that you're no longer online, I hope you go to Hell and stay there until I change my mind! Which will be, let me check my agenda for a sec, NEVER!

It's too bad that I have to vent myself like this just because you're a freakin' introvert when it comes to using real words and not stupid emoticons. But you talked to me all summer, didn't you? And in the end, nothing last forever, isn't that so? I think that's what GD taught us recently... whatever! Maybe once spring will met your icy heart you'll come to realize that we were made for each other. Until then, I'll just have to lock my sexy ass and face away like Rapunzel locked her golden hair in a tower... talking of women's problem, at least keep your Captain Winky in his ship, alright? Don't let him enter strange lagoons or dark caves or I'll hunt him down with a butcher's knife, ok? Alright! Glad to have that straight!

And despite you being my favourite person in the whole world, dude,