Sunday 29 December 2013

Story of A Rebel

Did it ever happened to look in the mirror and wonder who is the shadow staring right back at you? Who is that, looking so much alike yourself, mirroring your gestured, the very light in your eyes?
Is it you? Or it's some twin of yours, long lost, but that can still empathize with your heart?
Sincerely, I have no idea of what I'm talking here. I have no idea if it's either a strange truth or just the wild imagination of a girl locked inside herself for too long. What I do know is that now, at the end of the year, I have taken a decision: never again to be ashamed of myself. I am who I am and I am very good actually at being myself!
I might be broken on the inside, but I will not be tamed! I will gather all the pieces and glue them back together - glue myself together until I am whole again. It doesn't matter what they think they know about me or what they think they see. It matter what I know and how I feel. And I not inferior to anyone!
Young and broken - I've been like this ever since I can remember myself. Unwanted, uncalled, disliked, a garbage of a kid. And now... now I'm broke. I'm left with no love on the inside, nothing to give, nothing to fill my heart. I spent it all recklessly, gambled everything on a single event and lost. But I'm no longer scared. It will pass. Love will grow back inside my heart just like the green grass outside my house - even under heavy snow, if you look for it, it's still there, green and fresh, reminding you that there's hope.
I spent my love... so what? I am still wild, still untamed, for no leash is holding me tied to a master. I am free to love and I will love every single being that comes to me, I will be a nice person and a loving, caring friend. I will offer my love to those who want it and I shall never be afraid again.
So, today I'm packing all these boxes, taping them up, writing down years and seconds that seem to be eons away from where I stand right now. I won't lie, it does feel a little empty now that I have everything packed, but all this space on the inside, all these chambers shall be filled with better memories, laughter and nights spent with people that love me back - my cat... or my family, my friends, all the people I got to know more or less.
The mirror shows me a kid who's still afraid of the darkness. And I wish I could tell her that everything is alright, be her friend when all the others will turn their backs on her. But how can I do it when I'm immobilized by this sadness? For I know that she knows how years who passed never come back... just like my spent love. It will grow back, probably more powerful than before, but it will be cautious and mature. It will lose the recklessness of youth.
And once again, I'll be an old soul trapped outside the mirror when all I'll want to do is to hide.
The story of my life is all about how I lost hope...
But I am still untamed. And as long as I can fight, I will raise from my ashes and fight back. 
I will never be defeated! 
I am the Rebel...

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