in my veins

what does it feel like to love you - have your fingertips brushing against my skin: ocean of music notes washing away all sound

what does it feel like to have you staring from within the darkness: strip me down of this crushing fear and never be able to look away

what does it feel like to breathe you in and breathe you out: intoxicate my soul with you

and you whirl, whirl your way down into me

poisonous smoke

illusion of a promised redemption

I walk to you as if you're open doors of the church

when you're nothing but a curtain dancing in the wind

masking darkness

I walk to you stripped of all of me,

holding onto my soul

and willingly giving it away while singing 'hallelujah'

my soul from my hand into yours

from my chest into yours

as you gulp it down as if holy water

and as I am emptied of myself

you pour yourself into me, 

wickedly 

your tongue burns - thousands whips

perversely scribbling onto me

an earthly name

biting teeth battle for my flesh

my blood drop by drop

blossoms onto my skin

I use daggers

and carve out constellations

my entire universe

you run deeper, faster

than I can chase

through my veins

poison

inside my veins

I cannot scratch you out

come out, undone

I too break 

into shadows

black hole

of space continuum

swallows me

a shell.

love

listen to the owls

calling on each other

like you and me

cascades

falling into each other

listen to the winds

fight with each other

like you and me

tornadoes 

crashing into each other

see the full moon

knocking on your window

like i look for you

shadow

in the vast dessert 

feel the rhythm

throbbing under your hand

spilling a secret

heartbeat

in a frail rib cage

taste the sweetness

berries of wilderness

untethering my pulse

mustang 

on an ancient prairie

darkness into darkness

pour 

and light a fire

brighter

than a sun

put out

light with light

and lie down

darkness next to darkness

to sleep

star next to star

looking at each other

eons of constellations

bursting

into stellar dust

i feel the wind

rustling

weaving tall grass

trading

green for yellow

face to face

nothing keeping them apart

water and willow

kissing

under the sun

all that's nothing

and nothing that's all

dance together

darkness and light

combine

love written on wind

carried away

watered

by oceans

until you get it

my love.

him

seek me through the grass

and adorn me with light

and silvery kisses.

i am long asleep

laying on my bed

rocked by a sea of dreams

and arms

and arms

and arms

and i dream of you

of you and you

and nothing else but you.

the road is long

and there's no flower

and no sun

to keep me breathing

while i follow you 

across the sea

across the universe

across all stars...

your footsteps are too big

for my worn out shoes

and i fear

your shadow is too dense

for me to breathe

through its smoke

the wind is singing

a love song

all flowers bending

in my dream where you

oh you

you smile so dearly

your back

oh your back

is now turned on me

i run

like crashing waves

and fall 

into your distance...

and the wind is whispering

to the moon

and the muffled sun

is suffering

i run

like yellow on crops

in summer

like green on forests

in spring

like shadows on snow

in winter

the wind withers me

like leaves on a tree

in autumn

across the water

resting your feet

into the icy coldness

of a creek

you are

oh you are

alone 

in darkness bathed

spears of sunshine

not piercing

you being alive

or dead

or immortal

or alone

crestfallen

shadow, 

lingering burden 

no longer do you follow

your master

shoes,

cannon balls

no longer do you thwart

his walk

and where do i belong

in all of these

am i the shoes

in his feet

his shadow

on his back

his sun

on the sky

his moon

in the lake

the flow of

consciousness

at the back of the mind

his smile 

lonely star of night

on obsidian 

unwoven canopy

no

i lain my hair

in dirt

i am the roots

of all dreams

overflowing sea

of burning suns

that do not die

nor live

but exist 

like lies

of white yarn

i do not hurt

i keep him 

all together

sea with sea 

crash together

in a pond

i pour myself

until there's nothing left

my heart

the fog

and all fireflies

burning like

ten thousand suns

i am a harbor.

I see you

I've been sitting, watching, pondering... I've watched eons pass by me in seconds, their light dying like screens of uncharged laptops or some sort of smartphones. I've seen them all and for a second my heart trembled.

For how long have I kept myself hidden from you? For how long have I hid behind statuses of invisibility? Was it a default condition of the heart you left behind with your always offline being? Or was it just a reaction to the queue I've been planted into?

But Earth stopped its usual rotation and went the other way the day I saw you back online. "Hey," you wrote in unearthly dialect, "I think I broke my machine. It keeps buzzing and thuding deep inside, puffing and snorting like an old hag. What do I do now?"

And my fingers trembled upon the keyboard full of stellar dust of all those stars that set upon its keys. "About what? You're talking gibberish again."

It was an instant reaction to... you, I guess. Because no matter how much time it passed, you're you and I'm still the same fool that cannot fall out of love with your online persona.

"About my heart," came your reply, with the same teasing emoticon at the end. 

Bastard! Fool! Ignorant machine... 'cause you must be one on the other side of the screen! How can you ask me about your heart when mine has been paused for so long that it's hardly starting to smarten up?! You're so self-centered that I... "Try plugging it out," I could not give in. "Maybe it needs to die so you can see beyond the screen in front of you."

How many earthly kilometers did I travel to save your soul and found only ashes and a broken window? How many times did my feet gave in to this burden I still carry around no matter if asleep or awake? I stopped counting after it surpassed the infinite. And just so you know, I was so deep in that I saw no way out. I kept sinking and sinking and there was no branch to pull me out of the mud of my blood and tears, while my heart turned to dust in your room. There was the picture of us on your closet's door and there was that stupid, alien costume I wore on my first intergalactic journey I made for you - all evidence of the real you and me. And yet, you were nowhere to be found. Not there, not here, not under that withered palm-tree you just had to plant in your backyard! Your ice-cream was melting on the corner of a desk with no screen on it...

"I took too long, didn't I?" Your DP seemed to mock me with double smiles of a summer that has long froze under a thick layer of snow.

I wanted to be mean and tell you to just please, fuck off. But my fingers stubbornly refused and remained hanging above the keyboard of my foolish heart. "Way too long. Were they out of stellar dust?"

I guess we're alike... you and I, we're too much of fools not to see the truth in each other. I knew you for too long not to anticipate your disappearance. And you know me too well not to come back... eventually.

"I've been roaming around different stars, but they were all out of dust. And you know what I noticed missing?" Your messaged beeped my attention.

"Surprise me, fuck-head!"

"In all this universe, there's no star that has a you. So I had to come back and reclaim my place at the other end of the line. I see you now."

You're indeed a fuck-head! How many times did I tell you this and now you... you just... I give up, you know?!

"I see you," I replied and finally went to bed after eons of standing on guard.

Grow [as human]

Couples are annoying to be around. So sickening sweet it make you want to leave the room and never again step inside there. They're the best at making you feel down, not needed, easy to be replaced, feel that you're the only one that hasn't evolved from the bottom of the food chain. Couples have this strange power to make you angry, clench your fingers around your glass or purse or phone and just curse through you clenched teeth... this or make you look away, embarrassed and just wishing a hole would open under your feet, swallowing you whole.

Couples are the best social torture that there is. That's how I used to think and feel. 

I used to be envious on their smiles and holding hands, on their little gestures that meant so much to them and them only, on the way they had this power to know when the other is around or in need or something, on their undivided attention. 

I used to feel awkward around them and just talk a lot to cover the way I was blushing or feel my heart stinging inside my chest. And then, the awkwardness would transform into anger - why couldn't I have that? Why did it have to be me? Was I really that bad? Where did God hid my luck? 

I used to think their love is disgusting...

Now I realize just how wrong I was. Love is not something that you should hate. Because, as we evolved as human beings, love became harder to find. Yes, there are the occasional relationship and the delusional thinking that we love the other person, but... that's not love. Now, I don't know what love really is or how it feels, if it hurts or if it's some sort of euphoric state of mind, but one thing I do know: love is awesome. And you cannot be envious on it or hate it or consider it disgusting. It's troublesome, yes, to those who are single, but it's not hateful.

I came to realize this with time and after hours of thinking and just analyzing the world around me. Now I can keep my head up and smile to their kisses and hugs, without feeling lonely or unwanted in their presence. Now I can be happy for them and smile at their love story as if I am one of those good people that do only good to others. I'm probably one of the worse people on this planet, but I cannot hate love. For it has its own pace, its own time and its own agenda. I cannot wish for it to hurry, I cannot make it bloom earlier, I cannot feel it until it's not its time.

So, I'll wait. Patiently, I'll focus on becoming a better human and grow healthier beliefs, so that when time comes and love finds me, I will be able of offering more than just my heart with all the scars and battle wounds, but also healthy moral values. And maybe, just maybe this way, my heart won't sting anymore around happy couples and I won't have to fake a smile, but wear a pretty and real one instead.

You need to be happy for their love in order to be happy with yours...

To you...

To you, the one who isn't beautiful.

To you, the one who knows that she's not beautiful, the one who knows she won't have a dedication written on musical notes, heard by the entire world. played over and over again and some more, especially during foggy mornings.
To you, the one who knows that she's not beautiful, the one who knows Prince Charming exists only in badly written fairytales that seem to always have at least two versions - one always ending with the most desired happy-ending, the other one full of horrid scenes that depict human nature better than any commercial on TV or B-class movie.
To you, the one who knows that she's not beautiful, the one who wishes Darwin's evolution scale could go backwards, 'cause we screwed everything up and work on the ultimate auto-destruction. 
To you, the one who knows that she's not beautiful, the one that wears her heart on the sleeve, not as a shield, but as the pretties coats of arms. She's not afraid to feel sadness and loneliness as she's afraid to feel unloved and unwanted.
To you, the one who knows she's not beautiful, the one who gives everything of her and keeps nothing for herself, the one who'd jump into fire without thinking twice if you'd only look twice at her and give her the smallest chance.
To you, the one who knows she's not beautiful, the one who knows how to be silent and alert, always there, always near, always prepared to catch the you who's falling deeply into the abyss.
To you, the one who knows she's not beautiful, the one who wishes sometimes to be invisible or a hole to open up and swallow her all, so that she'd disappear wholly with all her pain and aching soul, the one who is embarrassed that she can't be like that person and that person and that person.
To you, the one who knows she's not beautiful, the one who was left without an ounce of luck at birth and still manages to carry on, day by day, with only sun keeping her afloat.
To you, the one who knows she's not beautiful, the one who knows there won't be someone asking for a second, a minute, a day, a month, a lifetime, a forever of her time and still keeps her head up, laughing to the wind and the colours only she can see.
To you, the one who has the most beautiful heart in the whole world, your story hasn't been written yet, so there's no answer to your silent plea. But there is someone, yet to be disclosed, yet to approach you. And you'll be his everything even though you won't see it.
To you, the one who is frail and broken winged... do not despair. 

We want a man. THE man.

"I want someone to love me for who I am." - One of the most heard phrases I heard spoken by single women, myself included. Because, let's be honest here, we all want someone who'd play well with our demons, someone who'd play the role of pure and bright light when surrounded by our darkness, someone who'd give and give, a never ending mine of sunshine. We women want - no, let me put it other way, we think and need to think that we deserve such a person after going through the hardships of being 12 months out of 12 "forever alone".

Well, let me tell you my conclusion after having a more than pleasant get-together with childhood friends: bullshit! And on a larger scale, I'd say we all say big fat lies to the others, ourselves included (well, at least I realized that's what I was doing all this time). We don't want someone who's quiet and soothes our forever bleeding wounds of past loneliness and bloody wars with persons we were too scared of leaving out of principle or out of fear of remaining just another face in the female population crowd that has been dumped/is still single. We don't wish for a man that would never ask who called or would take no interest in that next-door-looking guy that seemed to have his eyes linger on our bottom a second longer than necessary. We're incapable of imagining the rest our life next to someone who brings home puppies and books, does laundry and always remembers to put down the toilet seat. And we certainly won't get along with a man that knows when to remain silent or throw all of himself at our feet.

But then, what do we want?

Let me put this down, wait for it, wait for it... We women, no matter what men think, we're not complicate at all. Most of us want to be taken as deep and give off the wrong signals, when in fact we act on base instinct and, just like the big cats out in the savanna, we go for the big, fierce alpha-man. Money in both his pockets and bank? Sure. A shiny, flashy car, Italian branded that sounds like a purring cat? Nice. Sun-glasses like the stars from Hollywood? Not a must-to-have item, but if possessed brings a plus. Hair styled at a saloon? Mrrr! Facial hair tamed and trimmed perfectly? Double 'mrrrrrr'! But above all mentioned before, we're more likely to fall for his polished macho-ness, for the way he knows his way in and out of a flirtatious moment, for his grande stature that seems to have brought Greek statues to life, for the way he's capable of pulling a night long of intellectual talks and at the same time can completely go into random mood, whispering nonsense like "You're cuter with each day that goes by!" (admit it ladies, it might not make you feel comfortable, but deep inside is tugging on secret strings that we both know should be better taken care of). We'll fall for the big, flashy diamond ring he'll put on our finger with the smooth move of a cat that got her pray. There won't necessary be a  knee on the floor, or a  violin making us go all teary and close to fainting in anticipation, or a romantic scene whatsoever. But he will state that he wants you for an eternity and you'll see that passion in his burning eyes (he would have to put aside his celebrity-like sun-glasses for a little bit) and we'll roll with that.

We women like to fight no matter what we say, so we need a partner in crime, a man to fit the role and throw back the right words on the right tone, a man to be aware of his power and never throw at us anything else but a flower (mind the thorns if it's a rose, please). We like to hold grudges and blackmail our partners, so we need someone who's good at teasing us. We like to consider ourselves powerful and almighty, but turn into scared cats when we hear noises in the night, so we need a man with the power of hundreds to tuck is in beds and act as hugging bears until the morning when we'll kick his ass to work.

We want power and refuse to surrender, so we need to be seduced every single day by a lover with experience and eyes that can imply the most perverted fantasies through just a glance over the shoulder at a party. We need a man who'd act like a man does and make us go furiously mad (yes, those terms can go together, you know) over little things like that darn toilet seat, but when it comes to a western like confrontation, he'd know how to play wounded to death and make us take him back with hiccups and crocodile tears.

So, what do we women want? It's actually simple: a man, THE man. Kittens and tall constitution, kissing techniques that can make us tremble on two, intuition in when to play dead and warmth. We need someone with angels willing to lower themselves and play with our demons.

"We need someone who would take us as we are."

Oops! Did I kind of contradict everything I said above?!

XOXO

Tints

I've been ill for quite some time now. Cold and trembling, merely breathing, dragging my feet across the floor only to reach the limit of my squared life and turn around just to make the same journey backwards. I should know that there's no room for giving up... not now when I came so close to grabbing it - that ray of light silently knocking at my window each day at the same hour.

When it first appeared, it scared the shit out of me to be sincere. It was all yellowish with tints of orange and red - a whole rainbow caught in a droplet of light! And the way the glass warmed up my cold, sweaty forehead... Nothing was the same afterwards! I came back day after day, dragging my legs for hours just to see that for a couple of seconds.

But then the clouds came, my illness made me feel cold and too tired all of a sudden to even open my head. And so I remained pinned in my suffering, angrily building forts of darkness to prepare myself for what seemed to watch over me with every second that passed by - Death. 

And then you came along and nothing was the same anymore. You brought light where darkness had nested, you planted flowers where the ground was dead and dried and watered them with your tears, giving them nothing but lullabies and gentle smiles. And you held my hand when I was all gray and cold, stony figure laying on a bed of fresh and poisonous ivy. You weren't scared of my dirty looks, my sharp tongue or of me trying to escape your gentle grip. You remained despite my cursing and begging. You stayed still and just hushed me back to sleep when the rain would force my darkness out. You - you were my light, my hope, my ultimate colour. With you by my side I could have coloured the entire world and there would have still remained enough paint to glue my skin back to my flesh and my bones all back together.

You - you were my salvation. For when I was gray, you were red, when I was just about to give in to my darkness, you brightened up my fear with tints of pink and when I was this close to just give up on everything, you held me next your golden heart. And nothing was the same...

And now you're down, running out of light and colour, holding tightly onto me, hoping for that small ray of light at the window. So I'll be your guiding hand, your light, your colour. I'll paint your life in bright colours and just a patch of blue of my own, for you gave up on yourself just to bring me back to life. You helped me find my colour when everything was hopeless - you gave me my blue. So now, when you're running out of your brightest colours, allow me to stay by your side and make the same journey back and forth until you finally gain your faith back.

I love you, don't you ever forget that...

Can you come back home?

I woke up with a whirlpool of dreams spinning inside my head. Bittersweet samples of what reality could have done to me, little threats from a yet unknown future, seeks into other dimensions and just imaginary situations I put myself in because I can't stay still even in my sleep.

And as I laid there in my warm bed of dreams that were getting cold, slowly fading away, I felt my heart sinking into the ink of loneliness, preparing to write yet another page of signs and symbols I could not recognize.

In a room full of sleeping people, I was lonely.

In a room full of dreams chasing one another, I was laying stripped of my personality, involuntary staring at the darkness that was crushing me, somehow thankful that there was no one to see my pitiful tears. For I was pitiful and scared, lonely and wounded, not understanding the heaviness I was carrying on my shoulders.

We are all born alone into this world and we die alone. It's a fact. But I was born incomplete, missing something, a piece, a fragment, a shard of soul... something. And looking back now, I realize I was always dysfunctional one way or another, a puzzle with a missing piece, a painting without name.

My soul is too old for my body and I can feel its weight inside my chest. I need that missing piece. I need it to make it stop hurting so much, I need it to light up my darkness and offer me comfort. I need to find it and never let it go! But where to look for it? Should I post an ad "Looking for my missing piece. Please contact me ASAP!"? Or maybe I should start calling it in the middle of the street, waste all of my money of trips so I can call for it from different countries, just in case it got lost abroad? Or put a board around my neck and travel around the world?

What should I do?

I want to be complete when I die so that in the next life, in another world and dimension I can be full of colours and not the dull grey I am right now. I need my colours. I need my mind to find peace, my soul to be stitched up and my heart comforted.

But in this search of mine, I think we've been thrown too far away from each other - me and my missing piece. We're being kept hidden from one another, torn apart by daily life circumstances.

Or we're simply blind...

So, I'm going to begin my search now. This year. This month. This week. Today. Right now. And now matter where you are, I will find you and I will make us one - one soul, one being, one heart. But if you're reading this, if you randomly came across this message in a bottle, if you're feeling like something has been missing from you your entire life and want to be complete once again, can you come back home?

Please.

The Most Beautiful Smile

The most beautiful smile is the one you're wearing each day, the one that shines brightly in your eyes, the one that you're showing to everybody but me, because you have a special one for me, one that makes you shine like a little diamond exposed to the sunlight.

The most beautiful smile is that of a broken heart that is still insecure, still scared, still trying to glue itself back together, but still working hard to have confidence and restore its trust in humanity.

The most beautiful smile is the one that you show after you wake up, messing your bed hair and looking like a five year old kid while hugging the pillow, stretching your hands towards the cold part of the bedsheet, 'cause you know exactly where you'll find me.

The most beautiful smile is the one that you try to suppress because eyes are watching and you should look tough and powerful like a mighty god, when in fact everything is just a lame show they put up for you.

The most beautiful smile is the one that blooms on your lips when you pick up the phone, using fake names and random place names to confuse those you eavesdrop on your conversation.

The most beautiful smile is that filled with the sadness of teary eyes, the one that appears when arms wrap around your shoulders, protective, promising never to let go and never to abandon you despite the stormy weather. You're a man, a powerful human being, you cannot bend, you cannot break down - and yet there's this one person that has seen your tears and have taken them away with gentle fingers and lips, until a small, shy smile appears in the corners of your lips.

The most beautiful smile is that of a love confession you never planned and yet escaped your lips, shocking the audience, making your heart pound heavily inside your chest.

The most beautiful smile is that when you close your eyes under the sunlight, feeling the warmth against your pale skin, trying to catch in invisible pictures all those fuzzy feelings that cuddle inside your chest.

The most beautiful smile is the one you show when you're by your own, sneaking out of the bed in the middle of the bed just to take a bite of that round and delicious-looking pie in the fridge, the one that appears when your taste buds are on cloud nine, the one that guiltily shines when you're caught red handed.

The most beautiful smile appears when you know your working hours are over and you can hurry back home, when you can throw off the tight suit and put on an extra large t-shirt and a pair of sweat pants, when you can just wrap your arm around my waist and stay like that seconds that turn into minutes and minutes that turn into hours, 'cause you were too tired to wait for the goodnight kiss.

But the most beautiful, shining smile is the one that appears whenever I call your name. It illuminates your whole being, it warms up your cheeks, it travels to the soul, making it shine through those beautiful, brown and kind eyes of yours. It makes your rush your fingers through your hair and bite your lower lip as the corners of your mouth remain up, twirled in the most beautiful and boyish smile I saw on your lips.

So, wherever you are now, I want you to know that you have the most beautiful smile in the whole world. 

Precious, brilliant smile, come back home, alright? I'll be waiting right here.

I love you.

Beautiful Life

Lime green.

Deep, sky blue.

A pair of flats.

Shorts.

A stained t-shirt.

And ice-cream.

You're sitting one arm away from me, looking up at the sky, probably wishing to be on one of those white planes that leave a white trail behind them as they mark the sky with whitish towards gray stripes. And you wish you would be there while I wish I'd just be closer to you. So close that I would get to hear your heart beat, so close that I would feel your perfume invading my lungs, so close that you would have to look down to look into my eyes, 'cause you're just as tall as I imagined.

I was always the black cat with a naughty desire to change the world, to make them all see the sky before the night ends.

You on the other side, were the white dove, the messenger of peace, the one that brought hope above the doomed ones, while I was the curse, the one with the bad luck. But I wished for you, you know? I wished to have you between my paws, to touch your feathers and feel their softness, to understand the reason you love blue while I love green, to see your green eyes with my blue ones, to touch the bare skin of your soles and follow in your footsteps before the water washed them away, finding your trail from me.

I was the daring one while you always hid behind your solitude. But maybe I was too damn green to understand your blues, so I just went ahead and hugged you from behind, burying my nose in your white shirt, sniffing your skin through its texture. Talking about being shameless!

Oh dear, love is out and calling your name, can't you hear it?

Despite me being still wishful that one day you'd stretch your arm and let me join you as your black soulmate, the one that has been wandering around for too long, it's such a sad situation that I got you to chase after, my life is still beautiful. 'Cause I'm in love with you and it's something permanent, something that cannot be damaged by time, distance, broken promises or forgotten vows.

I love deep sky blue.

You seem to have a thing for lime green.

We're both young and amazingly steady on this rotating ground.

Ice-cream.

Two pair of shoes.

The cat and the white dove...

Nothing Lasts Forever

Who are you?

Who am I?

Who are we and most importantly, what the fuck are we exactly?! 'Cause one thing is for sure: I'm sick and tired of this waiting, of this game you play, of this fucking situation! 

Are you a man of some other kind of strange animal with enhanced breathing and a beating heart in a tin chest?!

Are you some kind of breathing humanoid or a real person, not only a status and a green dot that shows you're online whenever I dare to turn on my PC?!

If yes, move your fucking ass right here and tell me something in person! I'm tired of talking through million of open windows, tired of refreshing the page every two minutes in case you decided to finally press Enter and sent those monosyllabic answers of yours, tired of searching you on the online page, tired of waiting for you to finally grow a pair and tell me something without me pushing you from behind.

Really now, darling, what exactly are you? Please find some time to explain this to me, 'cause I'd be damned if I understand!

You're not my only friend, I hope you know that. So don't act so fucking cold with me, giving me the cold shoulder just to gain more attention, 'cause it won't work! You're just a pinch of salt when I have the fucking Almighty Mount of Salt. You're annoying the crap out of me, you know that?! No, I do love you and all, I do like to see you from time to time, to eat your ice-cream and then give you the innocent face you hate so badly, to pour water on your face while you're still away in your Dreamland. I do love how we waste time counting stars, naming butterflies, thinking of winter and crying for summer with the first snow. I freakin' adore the way you snore and grind your teeth, the way you throw pillows at me from across the room, the way you serenade me with your childish and flowery guitar, the way you hate pink to guts, the way you pick fights for every stupid thing I do only to pinch my cheeks until they turn bright red.

I do, I do. 

But then you have those mood swings and I find you crying at night or you suddenly leave the chat room,

making me wonder if you're still 100% sane or half of you is already put down by the shrink.

I still remember that one night when you showed me your wrist and told me you'd love to see it cut open. Are those blue threads really that interesting to you? 'Cause here, take a good look at mines and then give them back to me! I've been there, alright? I've done all that and I'm not ashamed. I was THIS fucking close from never coming back again. And it was you who shook me back to live with those stupid and annoying as a bitch noises of you continuously hitting the Enter key. I still remember yelling at you "Are you fucking crazy or what?! Someone's trying to have a good death here, you know?!" And you simply turned on your web camera and showed me that insanely pink stuffed toy "Look what I brought for you!". Really, it took me two days and a half, two planes, hitchhiking from Toulouse to Paris, a bus and a couple of steps to knock you off your chair with just one hit and burn that Goddamn pink toy. Really now, I haven't seen something as ugly as that!

But summer's gone and look at me feeling all unsure and uneasy for some odd reason. It's no longer how it used to be. I can feel it. You're too hot to handle with your leather jacket and black eyeliner you started wearing for all the stupid and foolish reasons in the whole world, no shirt to cover you white skin (really, you should try your my foundation or something from now and then), while I on the other side am pitiful like a wet dog that's waiting for the master that has abandoned him. You're like a hot biker that gets all the girls, while I'm the awkward nerd who never get any attention (nerd, not wallflower, dumbass!). You're a genius that words with facts and numbers while I'm the stupid editor that uses words that can't really reach your words. And as much as I wish I could get into your world, that I could speak 1-4-3, it's like trying to have a SRS when I'm not that sure I can be a male with all this feminine thoughts swarming inside my head.

Summer was our season.

Summer is our one and only season, right? And now, like trees and flowers, we're fucking withering under the autumnal sun.

What a shame, darling, what a shame, really! I even pulled my nuts in the spotlight to tell you I like you and now it's over? So, I'm asking you: who the fuck are you and what the fuck are we at this very point? 'Cause I think I'm getting sexually frustrated while waiting for you to open your eyes and see that I haven't got a boyfriend because of you, that I changed my hair style because of you, that I'm wearing a sugar plum eyeliner with all those dazzling sparkly sparks that make my eyes sting whenever I get out of the house, that I'm actually shaving my legs so that I won't look like freakin' King Kong in front of you.

Well, now that you're no longer online, I hope you go to Hell and stay there until I change my mind! Which will be, let me check my agenda for a sec, NEVER!

It's too bad that I have to vent myself like this just because you're a freakin' introvert when it comes to using real words and not stupid emoticons. But you talked to me all summer, didn't you? And in the end, nothing last forever, isn't that so? I think that's what GD taught us recently... whatever! Maybe once spring will met your icy heart you'll come to realize that we were made for each other. Until then, I'll just have to lock my sexy ass and face away like Rapunzel locked her golden hair in a tower... talking of women's problem, at least keep your Captain Winky in his ship, alright? Don't let him enter strange lagoons or dark caves or I'll hunt him down with a butcher's knife, ok? Alright! Glad to have that straight!

And despite you being my favourite person in the whole world, dude,

You and Me, Against the World

I'm so fucking mad right now.

I'm so fucking, incredibly mad right now that it's actually a miracle the keyboard is still intact!

You.

You.

You.

And you.

And you glass wall.

And your blank expression.

And your fucking mood swings that make me wanna flip a table like in the those movies for chicks I had you watch.

I hate you. I hate you so much right now, that just seeing you online in my list makes me wanna pass my hand through the screen and punch some Goddamn good sense into you!

You said you liked my confession, that the words were just right for you to perfectly understand my point. And then you went 'hey-na-na-na!' to heck knows where and my online list was like the Wild West with dust piling on it like on grandma's panties. I didn't even get the chance to bit my farewell or curse you so that your left foot become right and you turn into a complete idiot with boogers hanging from your nose tip. I didn't even get to press sent to my message 'cause the power was shut and when I finally got to flip my bird at the screen, you were gone.

Gone you were and the status of your profile sounded something like: "Gone to Hell.". Well, have a safe trip and make sure you don't get some Captain Winky hooks stuck in your ass, you brick head!

I hate you so much right now that I feel like Pikachu after being completely charged. I hate you so much that this Pikachu can't evolve to Raichu anymore. 

I hate you, I really do! I had to cover so many fields in Chemistry just to have the balls to say all those things to you and you were just a chill hippie, smiling like an idiot behind your wall of glass.

And then you appear. PUF! Like a fucking magical mushroom or something, you're back on top of my online list. Speaking of the cherry on top of the cake, what's up with the status, you odd creature?

"Since when they're no longer selling stellar dust at the shop from the corner of the street?! Gosh, I feel old..."

What kind of sorcery is this?! What hit you in the head?! 'Cause you make me remember the odd times when you came back and handed me an empty jar: "100% golden stellar dust," you smiled like a freak, "trust me, I'm the best at this." And I believed you. How could have I not when you were wearing that rag of a smile on your unshaved face that looked like it had been slapped by a bear or something? How could I not be happy when you were like the last brownie on the plate that I got to eat when no one was looking?

I trusted you.

And now you're back with that unoriginal pick-up line and somehow it doesn't feel right like before. It's... like a cloudy sky during a sunny summer, like a green apple when all the others are a perfect yellow or red. It's like you without a profile pic of some random chick so that no one bothers you, like me without the headsets on and singing out loud. It's like you not flying to see me on my birthday, like me not throwing cubes of ice at you during the summer.

It's odd and completely freaky.

Have you lost yourself? Has the world finally got to your brain and smacked your dreams from behind? Have you turned blind from all the light of the flashlight I forgot under your bed? Have you gone and saw the bad of the world we both ran away from? Have you been hurt during your trip? Have you suffered in thirst or hunger with no one by your side?

Man, this is really unfair, you know?! I was supposed to be completely mad at you and ignore you for the rest of my life, but there you are, sulking on your chair with some food on the desk you haven't touched yet. It's a heartbreaking scenery, really now!

Wait, wait for it, ok, now I've done it:

I'm running to you, to your side, can you see me? Will you stop being sad now, please?! I even put on my special effects and this cape, only to make you snap out of the trace and become the you I know you are. 

I am SuperKat and I'm running to be your saviour 'cause I know the world is bad, that it's unfair, unjust, totally fucking you up from behind. I know that, trust me. I know it's painful when they step on your dreams, when they no longer sell stellar dust at the corner of the street, when the umbrellas are no longer red and yellow but a mild green, when all the others have grown up and no longer understand your gibberish. I know. But that's why I'm here, isn't it?

'Cause what would I be without you if not an odd missing pair of an even stranger duet? What would the summers be without us cooling inside with icy water drank directly from bottle 'cause we're that baddass? What would the evenings be without our usual quarrels over who gets to shut the PC first? What would the nights be without the sky above for us both to see at the same time? What would the waking up early in the morning be without me knowing you're on the other side of the screen, providing a good entertainment with your awkward camp songs?

We're a pair, you know? We're half of the both apple, you and me. You're the super sophisticated phone while I am the leather case that comes along as protection. I'm Harry and you're Hermione; the books wouldn't be the same without our friendship. You're the vanilla half that is making me sick, but is a total eye delight to whomever get to look at it. I'm the pages of your novel while you come as those hard, super fancy covers that make the book more expensive than a bandage.
We're a pair. We'd look odd apart and the world would probably be a better place, but even so, I don't want to give peace a chance if it means I have to let go of your hand.
We're a pair. So let me put my SuperKat outfit just for you and prove you that I've got super powers, alright?
We're a pair. So let me be the superhero this time and save you from those deep water you pulled me out so many times before. It's my turn to act all brave, ok? 'Cause I even took extra swimming classes just for you...
We're a pair, my darling, so even if the whole world turns against you, I'd still stick around to hold your hand and beg for some mega tickling attacks.
We're a pair, Mister-I-don't-really-give-a-fuck, and even when the sky will be on fire, I'll be your forever awkward stalker.
So, chin up, alright?
'Cause, dude,

Prince Charming

A girl wait for one thing her whole life: Prince Charming to come and sweep them off their feet and hop them on the back on their white horse/Ferarri. So, she's currently look for...

A man strong as ten, a man to fight wind and rain, a man to come as shelter when all the others have proved to be just plastic and fake.
A man who would hold her hand 'cause kissing in the street at the first date is a no-no, even if she wishes for it with her whole body.
A man who would buy her flowers every single day until she gets an allergy, 'cause that's the trend she saw in movies: good guys buy flowers, bad boys steal the virginity.
A man that wouldn't tease her for talking gibberish when excited or when sleepy, a man that wouldn't laugh at her messed hair style and forever hold her hands for the world to see how lucky she is.
A man with a kind heart and a wide opened wallet, ready to buy her ice-cream in the middle of the night and whatnot since she's the princess of his life and she deserves the best or whatever her hearts wishes for.
A man that would totally ditch his friends and his beer and go running to her side every time the phone rings, just because she saw an itsy-bitsy tiny spider in the bathroom while she was taking a poop.
A man that would totally look like David Beckham whenever he'd take off his shirt (wearing t-shirts is too mainstream for her) and still blush, be unconvinced that he's a complete hunk.

A man that would build her the dream house and never make her lift a finger, a man that would cook, clean, wash dishes, take the dog for a walk, take in all her crap, listen to her favourite band, paint her nails, brush her hair, buy her tampons, making sure he always put the toilet seat down after peeing 'cause the princess might get hurt otherwise, always compliment her over her fashion sense, accept pink stuff around just because it's her favourite colour.

etc.

Well, let me tell you something, princess: you're probably going to wait forever and a day and totally miss out the perfect guy!

I would totally love a guy who would kiss me during the first date and make me feel butterflies even though I'd probably get mad/ turn bright red/ throw a tantrum/ make a scene or kiss him back.

I wouldn't want a guy to bring me flowers every single fucking day because I'd probably get sick of them and my reaction will slowly grow to be just "Meh, flowers..." instead of "You brought me flowers! How sweet of you!".

I'd appreciate a good contradicting-argument with him and would totally fall even more for him if he'd be a complete tease, instead of sugar coating everything I do and holding my hand even when I'm sweaty and feel like he shouldn't touch me.

A normal guy would be the best, to know me, to know when to ignore me, to know when to give me space. A normal guy that would buy me presents just for my birthday, 'cause we both know money don't grow on trees. A man with a golden heart hid underneath a bad boy's teasing.

I'd love a cry-baby, 'cause I'd know it's because he's not iron-made and just humanly giving in to the pressure. 

I'd love a total goof-ball, 'cause he'd know how to make me laugh when it's raining outside and I didn't brought an umbrella.

And above anything, I'd appreciate a guy that would be the totally opposite from me and yet still echo a tiny bit of me when he's asleep, a guy that's himself in everything he does and says, a guy that has his moments of silence and is a complete bully when I talk gibberish because I just saw my favourite band live, a man that would make me argue with him over putting down the toilet seat because it's the small things that really matter, a man that would be so bad with pastel colours that we'd have to call our parents over to help us paint the walls, a man that would hate pink just as much as I do, a man that would insist on taking the dog out together because he'd get bored, a man that would know how to say "I'm in love with you." when the right time comes...

I don't look for the perfect man or anything like Prince Charming 'cause I know that when the right person will appear, I'd be in love with every single flaw he has, as well as appreciate that's he's just... there, next to me, holding my hand.

So, princess, how about my Prince Charming type? Doesn't he sound more real than yours?