I see you

I've been sitting, watching, pondering... I've watched eons pass by me in seconds, their light dying like screens of uncharged laptops or some sort of smartphones. I've seen them all and for a second my heart trembled.

For how long have I kept myself hidden from you? For how long have I hid behind statuses of invisibility? Was it a default condition of the heart you left behind with your always offline being? Or was it just a reaction to the queue I've been planted into?

But Earth stopped its usual rotation and went the other way the day I saw you back online. "Hey," you wrote in unearthly dialect, "I think I broke my machine. It keeps buzzing and thuding deep inside, puffing and snorting like an old hag. What do I do now?"

And my fingers trembled upon the keyboard full of stellar dust of all those stars that set upon its keys. "About what? You're talking gibberish again."

It was an instant reaction to... you, I guess. Because no matter how much time it passed, you're you and I'm still the same fool that cannot fall out of love with your online persona.

"About my heart," came your reply, with the same teasing emoticon at the end. 

Bastard! Fool! Ignorant machine... 'cause you must be one on the other side of the screen! How can you ask me about your heart when mine has been paused for so long that it's hardly starting to smarten up?! You're so self-centered that I... "Try plugging it out," I could not give in. "Maybe it needs to die so you can see beyond the screen in front of you."

How many earthly kilometers did I travel to save your soul and found only ashes and a broken window? How many times did my feet gave in to this burden I still carry around no matter if asleep or awake? I stopped counting after it surpassed the infinite. And just so you know, I was so deep in that I saw no way out. I kept sinking and sinking and there was no branch to pull me out of the mud of my blood and tears, while my heart turned to dust in your room. There was the picture of us on your closet's door and there was that stupid, alien costume I wore on my first intergalactic journey I made for you - all evidence of the real you and me. And yet, you were nowhere to be found. Not there, not here, not under that withered palm-tree you just had to plant in your backyard! Your ice-cream was melting on the corner of a desk with no screen on it...

"I took too long, didn't I?" Your DP seemed to mock me with double smiles of a summer that has long froze under a thick layer of snow.

I wanted to be mean and tell you to just please, fuck off. But my fingers stubbornly refused and remained hanging above the keyboard of my foolish heart. "Way too long. Were they out of stellar dust?"

I guess we're alike... you and I, we're too much of fools not to see the truth in each other. I knew you for too long not to anticipate your disappearance. And you know me too well not to come back... eventually.

"I've been roaming around different stars, but they were all out of dust. And you know what I noticed missing?" Your messaged beeped my attention.

"Surprise me, fuck-head!"

"In all this universe, there's no star that has a you. So I had to come back and reclaim my place at the other end of the line. I see you now."

You're indeed a fuck-head! How many times did I tell you this and now you... you just... I give up, you know?!

"I see you," I replied and finally went to bed after eons of standing on guard.

Nothing Lasts Forever

Who are you?

Who am I?

Who are we and most importantly, what the fuck are we exactly?! 'Cause one thing is for sure: I'm sick and tired of this waiting, of this game you play, of this fucking situation! 

Are you a man of some other kind of strange animal with enhanced breathing and a beating heart in a tin chest?!

Are you some kind of breathing humanoid or a real person, not only a status and a green dot that shows you're online whenever I dare to turn on my PC?!

If yes, move your fucking ass right here and tell me something in person! I'm tired of talking through million of open windows, tired of refreshing the page every two minutes in case you decided to finally press Enter and sent those monosyllabic answers of yours, tired of searching you on the online page, tired of waiting for you to finally grow a pair and tell me something without me pushing you from behind.

Really now, darling, what exactly are you? Please find some time to explain this to me, 'cause I'd be damned if I understand!

You're not my only friend, I hope you know that. So don't act so fucking cold with me, giving me the cold shoulder just to gain more attention, 'cause it won't work! You're just a pinch of salt when I have the fucking Almighty Mount of Salt. You're annoying the crap out of me, you know that?! No, I do love you and all, I do like to see you from time to time, to eat your ice-cream and then give you the innocent face you hate so badly, to pour water on your face while you're still away in your Dreamland. I do love how we waste time counting stars, naming butterflies, thinking of winter and crying for summer with the first snow. I freakin' adore the way you snore and grind your teeth, the way you throw pillows at me from across the room, the way you serenade me with your childish and flowery guitar, the way you hate pink to guts, the way you pick fights for every stupid thing I do only to pinch my cheeks until they turn bright red.

I do, I do. 

But then you have those mood swings and I find you crying at night or you suddenly leave the chat room,

making me wonder if you're still 100% sane or half of you is already put down by the shrink.

I still remember that one night when you showed me your wrist and told me you'd love to see it cut open. Are those blue threads really that interesting to you? 'Cause here, take a good look at mines and then give them back to me! I've been there, alright? I've done all that and I'm not ashamed. I was THIS fucking close from never coming back again. And it was you who shook me back to live with those stupid and annoying as a bitch noises of you continuously hitting the Enter key. I still remember yelling at you "Are you fucking crazy or what?! Someone's trying to have a good death here, you know?!" And you simply turned on your web camera and showed me that insanely pink stuffed toy "Look what I brought for you!". Really, it took me two days and a half, two planes, hitchhiking from Toulouse to Paris, a bus and a couple of steps to knock you off your chair with just one hit and burn that Goddamn pink toy. Really now, I haven't seen something as ugly as that!

But summer's gone and look at me feeling all unsure and uneasy for some odd reason. It's no longer how it used to be. I can feel it. You're too hot to handle with your leather jacket and black eyeliner you started wearing for all the stupid and foolish reasons in the whole world, no shirt to cover you white skin (really, you should try your my foundation or something from now and then), while I on the other side am pitiful like a wet dog that's waiting for the master that has abandoned him. You're like a hot biker that gets all the girls, while I'm the awkward nerd who never get any attention (nerd, not wallflower, dumbass!). You're a genius that words with facts and numbers while I'm the stupid editor that uses words that can't really reach your words. And as much as I wish I could get into your world, that I could speak 1-4-3, it's like trying to have a SRS when I'm not that sure I can be a male with all this feminine thoughts swarming inside my head.

Summer was our season.

Summer is our one and only season, right? And now, like trees and flowers, we're fucking withering under the autumnal sun.

What a shame, darling, what a shame, really! I even pulled my nuts in the spotlight to tell you I like you and now it's over? So, I'm asking you: who the fuck are you and what the fuck are we at this very point? 'Cause I think I'm getting sexually frustrated while waiting for you to open your eyes and see that I haven't got a boyfriend because of you, that I changed my hair style because of you, that I'm wearing a sugar plum eyeliner with all those dazzling sparkly sparks that make my eyes sting whenever I get out of the house, that I'm actually shaving my legs so that I won't look like freakin' King Kong in front of you.

Well, now that you're no longer online, I hope you go to Hell and stay there until I change my mind! Which will be, let me check my agenda for a sec, NEVER!

It's too bad that I have to vent myself like this just because you're a freakin' introvert when it comes to using real words and not stupid emoticons. But you talked to me all summer, didn't you? And in the end, nothing last forever, isn't that so? I think that's what GD taught us recently... whatever! Maybe once spring will met your icy heart you'll come to realize that we were made for each other. Until then, I'll just have to lock my sexy ass and face away like Rapunzel locked her golden hair in a tower... talking of women's problem, at least keep your Captain Winky in his ship, alright? Don't let him enter strange lagoons or dark caves or I'll hunt him down with a butcher's knife, ok? Alright! Glad to have that straight!

And despite you being my favourite person in the whole world, dude,

You and Me, Against the World

I'm so fucking mad right now.

I'm so fucking, incredibly mad right now that it's actually a miracle the keyboard is still intact!

You.

You.

You.

And you.

And you glass wall.

And your blank expression.

And your fucking mood swings that make me wanna flip a table like in the those movies for chicks I had you watch.

I hate you. I hate you so much right now, that just seeing you online in my list makes me wanna pass my hand through the screen and punch some Goddamn good sense into you!

You said you liked my confession, that the words were just right for you to perfectly understand my point. And then you went 'hey-na-na-na!' to heck knows where and my online list was like the Wild West with dust piling on it like on grandma's panties. I didn't even get the chance to bit my farewell or curse you so that your left foot become right and you turn into a complete idiot with boogers hanging from your nose tip. I didn't even get to press sent to my message 'cause the power was shut and when I finally got to flip my bird at the screen, you were gone.

Gone you were and the status of your profile sounded something like: "Gone to Hell.". Well, have a safe trip and make sure you don't get some Captain Winky hooks stuck in your ass, you brick head!

I hate you so much right now that I feel like Pikachu after being completely charged. I hate you so much that this Pikachu can't evolve to Raichu anymore. 

I hate you, I really do! I had to cover so many fields in Chemistry just to have the balls to say all those things to you and you were just a chill hippie, smiling like an idiot behind your wall of glass.

And then you appear. PUF! Like a fucking magical mushroom or something, you're back on top of my online list. Speaking of the cherry on top of the cake, what's up with the status, you odd creature?

"Since when they're no longer selling stellar dust at the shop from the corner of the street?! Gosh, I feel old..."

What kind of sorcery is this?! What hit you in the head?! 'Cause you make me remember the odd times when you came back and handed me an empty jar: "100% golden stellar dust," you smiled like a freak, "trust me, I'm the best at this." And I believed you. How could have I not when you were wearing that rag of a smile on your unshaved face that looked like it had been slapped by a bear or something? How could I not be happy when you were like the last brownie on the plate that I got to eat when no one was looking?

I trusted you.

And now you're back with that unoriginal pick-up line and somehow it doesn't feel right like before. It's... like a cloudy sky during a sunny summer, like a green apple when all the others are a perfect yellow or red. It's like you without a profile pic of some random chick so that no one bothers you, like me without the headsets on and singing out loud. It's like you not flying to see me on my birthday, like me not throwing cubes of ice at you during the summer.

It's odd and completely freaky.

Have you lost yourself? Has the world finally got to your brain and smacked your dreams from behind? Have you turned blind from all the light of the flashlight I forgot under your bed? Have you gone and saw the bad of the world we both ran away from? Have you been hurt during your trip? Have you suffered in thirst or hunger with no one by your side?

Man, this is really unfair, you know?! I was supposed to be completely mad at you and ignore you for the rest of my life, but there you are, sulking on your chair with some food on the desk you haven't touched yet. It's a heartbreaking scenery, really now!

Wait, wait for it, ok, now I've done it:

I'm running to you, to your side, can you see me? Will you stop being sad now, please?! I even put on my special effects and this cape, only to make you snap out of the trace and become the you I know you are. 

I am SuperKat and I'm running to be your saviour 'cause I know the world is bad, that it's unfair, unjust, totally fucking you up from behind. I know that, trust me. I know it's painful when they step on your dreams, when they no longer sell stellar dust at the corner of the street, when the umbrellas are no longer red and yellow but a mild green, when all the others have grown up and no longer understand your gibberish. I know. But that's why I'm here, isn't it?

'Cause what would I be without you if not an odd missing pair of an even stranger duet? What would the summers be without us cooling inside with icy water drank directly from bottle 'cause we're that baddass? What would the evenings be without our usual quarrels over who gets to shut the PC first? What would the nights be without the sky above for us both to see at the same time? What would the waking up early in the morning be without me knowing you're on the other side of the screen, providing a good entertainment with your awkward camp songs?

We're a pair, you know? We're half of the both apple, you and me. You're the super sophisticated phone while I am the leather case that comes along as protection. I'm Harry and you're Hermione; the books wouldn't be the same without our friendship. You're the vanilla half that is making me sick, but is a total eye delight to whomever get to look at it. I'm the pages of your novel while you come as those hard, super fancy covers that make the book more expensive than a bandage.
We're a pair. We'd look odd apart and the world would probably be a better place, but even so, I don't want to give peace a chance if it means I have to let go of your hand.
We're a pair. So let me put my SuperKat outfit just for you and prove you that I've got super powers, alright?
We're a pair. So let me be the superhero this time and save you from those deep water you pulled me out so many times before. It's my turn to act all brave, ok? 'Cause I even took extra swimming classes just for you...
We're a pair, my darling, so even if the whole world turns against you, I'd still stick around to hold your hand and beg for some mega tickling attacks.
We're a pair, Mister-I-don't-really-give-a-fuck, and even when the sky will be on fire, I'll be your forever awkward stalker.
So, chin up, alright?
'Cause, dude,

Yes, Lonely Love

There's your sit. Please, make sure you're sitting comfortably, for this may take a while.

And here's your drink: natural juice of your favourite fruit, 'cause I don't want you to get drunk just yet.

All set? See, I even prepared a box of tissues just in case, you know, get too emotional and can't hold in. 'Cause I'm telling you, darling, tonight is the night. Tonight is the night when I finally strip down this show for you under one single lime light. But it will feel like the footlights are blinding you, 'cause summer is dying and the dress of autumn is rustling like rusty leafs.

So tonight I will let the cat out.

I'm telling you, I'm not the type to just vent out like this, so blame it on the glass screen in between us if you want. Blame it on the stars and on all the words you say - nonsensical, by the way - but that still manage to make me smile even when I'm drowning in the deep waters of my own mind. Blame it on your music taste that I try to understand and catch in between the lines, 'cause you just refuse me the privilege of being that cool and know the name of your favourite band. Blame it on your silence and stares, on your stupid way of contradicting me - stubborn to the bone, I'm telling you.

Blame it on the distance between out fingers when you're not around and blame it on me being foolish enough to fall for you despite knowing I stand no chance, 'cause there you are, all dark and twisted, chuckling in amusement.

Blame this on the bluff I'm secretly playing whenever we talk on Skype, 'cause I'm just that awesome and hide my silly smiles behind emoticons sent only after you're no longer online.

Blame this on the cold water I drank before calling you here, because I have been without you for too long and I was thirty like Sahara without rain for half of year.

Blame this on my eyes that see you crossing your legs while staring right back at me, seeing through my chest and aiming for my poor, poor soul. Really now, you'll be the death of it someday, I know you will.

Blame this on my mouth that twists awkwardly whenever I get a message from you, pulling faces when you can't even see me - I'm low like that, yeah...

Blame it on my stupid and foolish heart that beats like crazy just knowing you're up by now, doing whatever you do early in the morning when normal people sleep.

I see you're getting nervous there, but bear with me for a little while, alright? Dude, I need to gather the left bits of my courage, really now!

I don't understand it either as a matter of fact. I don't get how all of this happened right under my wide opened eyes, when you know and I know that you're one world away every time I reach the circle you run in. I don't understand either what exactly is this 'show' I put for you every time we talk, but I know it can't last forever. I mean, look, summer's almost gone and as much as I hate to say this, autumn will be here in no time. And being serious for a second, we both know our season ain't autumnal or cold. It's fresh and hot, full of sun light and ice tea forgotten on the round table I know you adore. Our season is that when you feel you're drying under the sun, when you walk shirtless after waking up after 2 PM 'cause you stayed up all night bugging me with your nonsense and mean remarks. Our season is that when I hide inside and you just laugh at me from the screen, when I eat nothing but tomatoes because - heck, I want to be pretty when you sneak up from behind the glass and proudly show me your new phone because you're awesome like that and downloaded all the apps on it just to surprise me by sending a message from under the window.

Our season - wait, give me a second here 'cause I feel a feeling being born right under your eyes - our season is that of pictures taken when you sleep, 'cause you hate the camera. Our season  is that of listening to music with the speakers at maximum, dancing in front of the PC, pretending we're there, together.

Oh man, why is this so hard?!

You and I, we haven't known each other for that long, right? It started casually at the beginning of time, with an awkward 'Hey!' and more 'FUCK!-I-almost-spit-on-the-screen' than anything else. It continued - I guess, with a lot of random shit and a broken keyboard. You said you like loneliness and I just shrunk on my chair, thinking you're some sort of lunatic that flew out directly from cuckoo's nest. Then you disappeared from my online list for days and I thought I dreamt. But one evening, there you were again, red like a cherry right on top of my list:

"Hey," your message poked my ears, "I've been shopping for stellar dust till now. Want some?"

Got to tell you, not the most original way of starting a conversation with a girl, but I let it slide since my heart was badum-badum, going like a drum inside my chest.

So, that's how we met. But how on Earth did we manage to keep it going like this over the Stone Age, Middle Age and Modern Times?! 

You filled my head with crazy codes, the strange signs you said you saw in a movie with aliens, while I wrote your profile down. You turned up the music volume in the middle of the talk, while I disappeared under the shower for more than a night. You fed my brain with psychological thrillers while I didn't even let you share my box of tissues during 'The Big Wedding'. You liked dogs while I liked cats - we finally settled for a stupid, white mouse (you still owe me a new couch and new living room furniture, remember?)

What else?

Oh, I hate your random shit playing whenever I open your profile. I hate it so fucking much that I almost broke my PC in two after it remained blocked for almost two hours. I hate your awkward silence 'cause it makes me blabber nonsense and be like, well, you. I hate you being lonely, 'cause it makes me feel powerless. And you know what happened last time you said you're lonely - I took the airplane, rode a bus, hitchhiked, walked 10000000000000 x nth miles and wore a fucking alien suit only to find you eating ice-cream under a palm tree.

And finally, hate that whenever I start saying something serious, you put this glass screen between us and you go blank like you're stoned or something.

Ok, ok, I think I've got it now! Just give a second to - done! It's out, it's out! Listen now well, alright? And tell me what you think, okay? Here I go!

Dude,