game

like a game of hide-and-seek

we let the covers fall

once more,

one last time

for under their cover,

within their darkness,

our breaths are held in

just for one more second - 

and side by side,

we lay on the floor

ceiling above -

infinity

it is silence we've asked

silence we're given

silence

shh

and with closed eyes 

we draw:

the universe,

infinite possibilities

but none of us,

none of you,

none of me,

none

eyelids flutter open

staring into space

fingers drum along

the rhythm to kill

my ribcage open

you reach in

my screaming soul

pitifully whispering... mercy!

oh, how they twist

and turn

and break 

and burn!

your fingers,

knuckle deep sunk

claws,

forcing me open 

I keep my eyes closed

the sounds of the universe

covering my screams

and it burns

and I am water

I sizzle 

when you

sink

and you are fire

you tremble

when I

breathe

oh, the thrill of this,

this chase

where I am prey

and you, predator

until the sun rises

and my eyes open

and I, predator

eat you, prey.

end of spring

I take a step back and stare at you

you who used to be like my skin

covering my body

so close

now so alien

I take a step back and stare at you

your promises ringing

all those small and quiet words

flowing...

all lies

I take a step and stare at you

you who seem to have forgotten

of me

I guess we're seasonal

and like flowers do,

bound to wither...

now that spring is almost gone

you too have left me

uprooted 

so I take a step back and look at you

one last time

friend...

bathroom floor [incomplete]

bathroom floor 

at 1am

staring into the darkness

which reaches out from the sink

bathroom floor

at 1am

reaching for the drain plug

from the tub

bathroom floor

at 1am

watching the sparks

going out of me

bathroom floor

at 1am

wondering what good

to have them all starting fires

bathroom floor 

at 1am

a shell on the shelf

whispers of lost oceans,

liquids quickly gulped down

just last week

bathroom floor

at 1am

the walls crumbling down

stone after stone

grasping

at the emptiness ahead

before turning 

into dust

bathroom floor

at 1am

who am I ?

what have I done

to put out the fire?

bathroom floor

at 1am

maybe I should just get up

...

type of wrong

center of me burns

begging for water

a hurricane to wash over

destroy and resurrect

submerge this fire

let if sizzle

like the sun does

at dusk

and when it's drowned

when it stops breathing

take your hands

and let it go

it goes and goes and goes

falling liquidly

drowning 

while the universe reverses

and planets, stars

they all align

and it floats through space

the big blue

they said it's darkness

that shines

but they've never seen

so much light

and as it travels

submerged

it loses track

of all that matters

there's the fire

sparkling

twisting

underwater

take my fire

and kill it, I asked.

don't give it wilderness

for it expands

consuming me.

in my veins

what does it feel like to love you - have your fingertips brushing against my skin: ocean of music notes washing away all sound

what does it feel like to have you staring from within the darkness: strip me down of this crushing fear and never be able to look away

what does it feel like to breathe you in and breathe you out: intoxicate my soul with you

and you whirl, whirl your way down into me

poisonous smoke

illusion of a promised redemption

I walk to you as if you're open doors of the church

when you're nothing but a curtain dancing in the wind

masking darkness

I walk to you stripped of all of me,

holding onto my soul

and willingly giving it away while singing 'hallelujah'

my soul from my hand into yours

from my chest into yours

as you gulp it down as if holy water

and as I am emptied of myself

you pour yourself into me, 

wickedly 

your tongue burns - thousands whips

perversely scribbling onto me

an earthly name

biting teeth battle for my flesh

my blood drop by drop

blossoms onto my skin

I use daggers

and carve out constellations

my entire universe

you run deeper, faster

than I can chase

through my veins

poison

inside my veins

I cannot scratch you out

come out, undone

I too break 

into shadows

black hole

of space continuum

swallows me

a shell.

feeling

i feel like i should sleep

a long, long sleep

i feel like i should lay

down beneath the sea

buried all under sand

i feel like i should mute
my thoughts, my heart
leave the static sound
to buzz on
i feel i should lay low
lower and lower
till lava engulfs me whole

i feel i shouldn't laugh
but you're staring like that...
i feel like i should move
as if possessed, a scarecrow,
a controlled puppet, i...
i feel I should flap my wings
and go

i feel i should be blue
not with sorrow, but as in the colour
i feel like i should be white
not as in the colour, but with sorrow

i feel i should be alone
but when the darkness comes, i wish
i weren't, that i won't and never will be
truly alone

i feel i should be covered in thorns
and pick at them with laughing eyes
weeping
i feel i should have the right
to curse out loud
this damned heart!

i feel i should feel you
crawling on my skin, under it,
all over my bones,
inside my dna
and drag yourself out
through my pursed lips

i feel i should let myself move
into yet another flight
which i yet postpone so eagerly
to meet a masochist ending...

i feel i should do something
yet idly i'm waiting
a continuous falling
while the entire universe is turning
spinning, growing
i shrink,
a spec of dying light

i feel i should let this ocean
swallow me whole
flood this body
flood this mind
till i am full
of you

and yet i'm staring at the moon.

postadfectus

anatomy of a lie

decomposing what once was truth

lying open for all eyes to see,

to judge it for what it is

don't

and pull the covers

make it dark

hide away my dissected heart

don't stare at its anatomy

for my disease is you

and even if it's cold

it's still my heart

you stare at so coldly

unimpressed at its fighting

against you

as if asleep and dreaming

you stare

head tilted, a soft rise of chest

proving you're not as dead

as the heart you're staring down at

dissected it still bleeds

as if rushing blood to flushing cheeks

it fights the scalpel

stuck to biting binding

muffled to mute

and its anatomy exposed

for all to see

reveals a deadly illness:

you're everywhere

in every cell

cancerously spreading

you live

you laugh

from atria to ventricles,

you dance, you, you, you...

and somewhere else

a sigh escapes my lips

for now it's on my sleeve

my heart

and its sweet disease

supernova

Și te desprinzi, plutești în spațiul dezolant, ochi goi te privesc ca pe o pradă și așteaptă să te desprinzi total, să cazi în uitare. Și cazi, cazi, cazi... Totul e cădere, în gol și fără parașută, fără scripeți și corzi elastice, fără mâini întinse înainte. Și te ghemuiești în tine, te strângi și te-nconvoi cu ochii strâns închiși și simți cum te despoaie de tot - haine, carne, sentimente ambulante, toate se desprind și se topesc pe când tu cazi cu viteza luminii.

Arde - tu și pe interior, carcasa de carne sfârâie pe oase ce s-au frânt în gol, așteptând impactul cu fiecare secundă. Ești minge de foc pe un fundal pictat tot în negru și ești un schelet alb cu mult roșu, rupturi împletite frumos ca să te țină laolaltă în căderea ce pare numai că se multiplică. Ești un strigăt continuu într-o mare de voci și totuși nu acoperi tăcerea ce ți se afundă în piele, așa că amuțești. Și nu mai doare.

Auzi cum pârâie și oasele și mușchii, cum totul protestează și te frământă amăreala de pe limbă, că nu e sânge și totuși simți fumul, gustul de ars care pare să se tragă de la inima care bubuie și turuie. Și te strângi din nou, floare fără soare, deși strălucești precum ei toți sori pe cerul plin de stele, te strângi și te ascunzi cu inima din substanță sfărâmicioasă pentru că totul e cădere și tu ești una cu căderea în întunericul dimprejur.

Foc - pe exterior, cu limbi roșiatice ce te topesc ușor ca zâmbete însorite ce trec de tine parcă din alte timpuri, multe, îndepărtate, pătate de ploi torențiale care-au stins atâtea lumini în ochii goi ce văd acum doar abisul infinit ce se întinde înainte și împrejur, roată, roată, fără sfârșit, dens și plin de misterele multor începuturi și sfârșituri.

Foc - pe interior, cu degete metalice ce-ți împresoară inima și-o strâng și-o fac să te doară, să vrea să te rănească că doar tu ai permis să lași focul să o ademenească să dea pe dinafară. Și foc mult pe interior, incendiu forestier în păduri virgine cu scântei ce dau pe dinafară, oh, tu, lumină orbitală în plină cădere, cum poți să strălucești așa când totul se destramă și oasele ți se frâng de la cum îți înghiți scâncetele cu degetele adânc îngropate în faldurile inimii care bubuie și duduie, și dă pe dinafară. Că știi că totul e cădere, cădere fără sunet și infinită...

Traiectoria nedeterminată, te afunzi în întuneric și-l aprinzi mai tare decât o explozie solară și arzi tot mai mult pe măsură ce printre degete ți se strecoară praf din inima de tăciune sfărâmată. Pierzi ani lumină fără să încetinești și ochii prind lumini întârziate de la sori la mile depărtare, ce și ei cad să piară. Cădere - te desfaci încet de tine însăți, te dezintegrezi încă încercând să ții ascuns durerosul mod în care ți se dezlipesc celulele unele de altele și pășesc în afară, sublimul a tot ce se dezbină într-o agonie simfonică pe care tot o muști ca să o reduci la tăcere în timp ce totul în tine cântă, cântă, cântă. Te lasă fără suflare - ochi plutind la mile depărtare de unde tu ai fost odată, rămășițe din tine, acum pulbere stelară ce cade infinit și în tăcere și vezi și tu cât de frumos se vede atunci când se moare ca o stea, ușor, explozii întârziate a unui moment de supernovă...

Totul e cădere, cădere infinită și fină pulbere de stele ce se destramă ca să te alcătuiască pe tine când tu pieri încet pe interior. Moarte frumoasă cu spectacol dezolant, cu pulbere de tăciuni aprinși... așa se naște o supernovă.

adrift

adrift in blue

lost

the moon above shifts into sun

he eyes opened on white

calmness swirling all around

her hair - coagulated blood on magical blue

her white gown - the virginal foam of dead waves
her whole being - wasted stardust...

adrift in blue

deserted

the stars above go left and right

but none shines as she floats away

betrayed with her eyes wide awake

she left all reason

abandoned her will

while pulled apart by water

adrift in blue

blinded

she forgot the Sun is a star as well

horizon ahead - close, closer yet far, far away

gentle currents pierce her back together

and yet she's losing it slowly

absolutely

adrift in blue

running

her mind tries going back where the body can't

faster - the universe is spinning backwards

slower - her body floats endlessly

such disaster her body couldn't take it

while the mind kept fighting

adrift in blue

running away

she's there where she's being seen

but suddenly no longer

submerged in the azure

she disappears within the tricky serenity

adrift in blue

you can no longer see her

but she's there

and chills go down your spine

as you know you bathed in her tears

as you understand that tranquility is her whole soul

and you try to swim away...

but oh, how she calls

deceptive, her eyes

always awake underneath the endless blue

you just cannot look away

and the horizon blue copy of the sky above

adrift in blue

lost

she emerges without a sound

still instilled with stillness

decaying numb body

pulled apart by an agile mind

but she'd do it all again

that drowning.

silver wolf

silver wolf

sniffing the snow in search of prey

howls for the moon

but she stays hidden

while an entire pack soon answers

they're all there

all looking, all sniffing

searching and looking for trouble

while the blizzard is blinding them all

the wind carrying their cries

silver wolf 

surrounded by his pack

sees their shadows

like mirror

reflecting their hallow souls

one is darker than the other

but all are defeated

when the moon rises high

on the starry sky

only if she'd rise

silver wolf

cries for his own shadow

hidden by trees

and gets surrounded

by his own folk

silver wolf

can see their black eyes

questioning his calling

but the howl's in his throat

and once again he calls with no answer

silver wolf

surrounded by his entire pack

offered a bloody prize

watch with hungry eyes

turns his back on them

dark is the forest

that hides him from them

frozen is the air around him

as he walks and walks and walks

further from them and him and the moon that doesn't answer

numb are his senses

and number they get with every step

paw in front of paw

following a path known only by him

howling no more

silver wolf

carries a different heart

that's been over the big waters

that's heard the swallows sing

witnessed the fall of his own spirit

silver wolf

lonely creature surrounded by his folk

was lonelier than alone

without the moon above

and all the pack around him

and like exiled

he chose the storm

to shelter his mind

from the thick darkness

taking over his mind

numb he went into the darkness

of the ancient forest

numb he bit his tongue

to trap in his howls

numb he disappeared

his tracks lost

his soul lost

lonesome wolf

he lost himself

in the forest that grew on the inside

his howl lost

his graze lost

lonesome wolf

he sought himself

in the solitude of but himself

the forest enclosed him

his mind

separating him from his pack

the steadily turned wildlings

walking on two in the shadows

silver wolf

lonesome wolf

circled the hole that had grown in him

and dived in its darkness

embracing his now found shadow

and as the pack forgot

he grew indeed wild

inside the forest of his mind

as the moon shone down

not piercing his new found shadow

silver wolf

solitary wildling

with dense shadow

no longer needed the pack

and rested forgotten as he forgot as well

turn

I seem to keep coming back when darkness hits me from the inside. I thought it gone, vanished, pulverized into tranquility... but no, it's here, banging on the inside in my chest asking to be let out. And I'm scared, terrified that once out I'll never be able to contain, fold it to the back of mind, conceal its shadows. I'm scared that I'll pick on my oldest wounds, remind my body about the thousand knives that are to come. I'm scared that once out me, the me I came to like, the me that allowed to smile even a little bit under the bandages that kept me nicely intact, the me that fought - I'm scared it will die, slowly transforming into dust.

I have darkness in me. The type of darkness you usually take to therapy has nested inside of me, its teeth of insecurities biting on my rib cage, acid tornadoes of 'maybe's and 'perhaps's wrecking the quiet settlements of my brains. This darkness forces my eyes down on the tip of my shoes and my apologies out from the tip of my tongue. This darkness chases me into complete silence, close on the right to the Oblivion. And falling is only a matter of time...

Maybe you've been there or maybe you're still there, lingering, pacing around it's edges... how did you survive your darkness? Here it's raining and light it's fading away while the number of stretched out hands gets smaller as I am forced to acknowledge the depths of this darkness, laughing back at myself while I keep silent on the outside. How do you keep yourself safe, away from falling? Is alone enough for survival? Can my fingers hold tight on the edge and not let go of them? Can I trust them and not give into temptation to just... let go?

Tell me, you who have been there, can I dress up the holes on the inside and shush down the wind that's howling... can you hear it? A deafening hiss of silence, like an invisible serpent that's in there, entwining himself around my heart and the darkness that can't wait to take over. Can I paint them over and pretend it's skin, as if I'm normal, not wounded or bleeding, not bearing old scares on my mind? Or maybe I could just empty my entire body of blood and turn into a cadaver with sparkling eyes and a smile that says "Don't mind me, everything's just fine."

I don't think you know either, how to keep on breathing when silence is so deafening, when the war itself is tired of fighting, when alone is all you have... because alone is all you have. You can surround yourself with all the humans on the planet and they can all love you strongly, deeply, 'cause you'd still be alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. It's a dramatic word, but at least it can't let you down, it doesn't give up on you when darkness pulls you under.

Maybe giving in, going under and drowning is the best my conservation instinct can come up to. If so, who am I to say no to? Drowning would still be a better exit from this scene than listening to all the raindrops falling over me while holding on the edge... yes, drowning should be warm.

And if I end up turning to the darkness, please forgive me for I'll no longer be me.

u

forgive my unworthy self

for reaching for you

i bear your slap

like a warrior his wounds

i wrap it in bloody laps

but the burn just won't go away

from my heart

these pills

happy pills

will bring a new tomorrow

when today is nothing but mud

at the bottom of a pool

these pills

if i were to swallow

i think they'd make you happy

knowing i left

drifted to another self

these pills

will make you master

while i'll fall in disgrace

like flowers from a sick tree

i will not finish my blooming

these pills

will build me a ladder 

to all skies if i reach

wouldn't make me happier

than having left you behind

in this silence i know

you are but a shadow

the road is wide enough

for us to pass

shoulder by shoulder

and as you brush past me

i'll see your back

and stars will all dawn

but at least i'll be alone

with only myself

and i do not call out the darkness of mind

love

listen to the owls

calling on each other

like you and me

cascades

falling into each other

listen to the winds

fight with each other

like you and me

tornadoes 

crashing into each other

see the full moon

knocking on your window

like i look for you

shadow

in the vast dessert 

feel the rhythm

throbbing under your hand

spilling a secret

heartbeat

in a frail rib cage

taste the sweetness

berries of wilderness

untethering my pulse

mustang 

on an ancient prairie

darkness into darkness

pour 

and light a fire

brighter

than a sun

put out

light with light

and lie down

darkness next to darkness

to sleep

star next to star

looking at each other

eons of constellations

bursting

into stellar dust

i feel the wind

rustling

weaving tall grass

trading

green for yellow

face to face

nothing keeping them apart

water and willow

kissing

under the sun

all that's nothing

and nothing that's all

dance together

darkness and light

combine

love written on wind

carried away

watered

by oceans

until you get it

my love.

him

seek me through the grass

and adorn me with light

and silvery kisses.

i am long asleep

laying on my bed

rocked by a sea of dreams

and arms

and arms

and arms

and i dream of you

of you and you

and nothing else but you.

the road is long

and there's no flower

and no sun

to keep me breathing

while i follow you 

across the sea

across the universe

across all stars...

your footsteps are too big

for my worn out shoes

and i fear

your shadow is too dense

for me to breathe

through its smoke

the wind is singing

a love song

all flowers bending

in my dream where you

oh you

you smile so dearly

your back

oh your back

is now turned on me

i run

like crashing waves

and fall 

into your distance...

and the wind is whispering

to the moon

and the muffled sun

is suffering

i run

like yellow on crops

in summer

like green on forests

in spring

like shadows on snow

in winter

the wind withers me

like leaves on a tree

in autumn

across the water

resting your feet

into the icy coldness

of a creek

you are

oh you are

alone 

in darkness bathed

spears of sunshine

not piercing

you being alive

or dead

or immortal

or alone

crestfallen

shadow, 

lingering burden 

no longer do you follow

your master

shoes,

cannon balls

no longer do you thwart

his walk

and where do i belong

in all of these

am i the shoes

in his feet

his shadow

on his back

his sun

on the sky

his moon

in the lake

the flow of

consciousness

at the back of the mind

his smile 

lonely star of night

on obsidian 

unwoven canopy

no

i lain my hair

in dirt

i am the roots

of all dreams

overflowing sea

of burning suns

that do not die

nor live

but exist 

like lies

of white yarn

i do not hurt

i keep him 

all together

sea with sea 

crash together

in a pond

i pour myself

until there's nothing left

my heart

the fog

and all fireflies

burning like

ten thousand suns

i am a harbor.