Licensed to kill

I am a licensed liar.

I was born out of a lie and from my first word till now, everything was a lie. I lied shamelessly, I lied continuously, I breathe and eat lies from dusk to dawn.

The way I met him was a lie - a sunny day full of laughter and butterflies crumbles now in front of me. The whole imaginary puzzle is defective now that I admit it out loud that it was all a game of lies which built an empire of dirt and false truth.

The way I loved was a lie as well - reality is like a tennis racquet that hits you in the face when you expect less, sending balls and pieces of consciousness right at you. I loved only with my surface, only with my mind, keeping my heart under an invisible lock, giving the impression I was genuine, that I was truthful with my words. But I was taming my heart instead, letting the brain pick what truth to send out.

The way I dressed was a lie - layers and layers to cover my scars, to squeeze my curves, to break my bones, to make me look taller, to make me look desirable, to make me look like a Barbie. Thick layers to lie to the eyes, to hide my true self and keep my heart safe.

The way I walked was yet another lie - swaying my body, luring the spirits, setting fire to the water when all I wanted was to walk faster and faster, run away and stop only when the moon is full in the middle of the desert.

What have I become? How did all end up like this?

I took everything and gave nothing. I raised an empire of dirt, and put heart by heart till I built a wall taller than the tower of Babel. And no powerful entity threw lightning at me, I did not fell nor did it crumble over me, crushing me with waves of tears and blood. I asked for sincerity and I gave nothing but false truth, a facade built to impress... and I killed thousands, millions of feelings, choked them in their crib.

There is no real motive for my deeds. There's no explanation, no way of offering myself an excuse. I did what I did, knowing that everyone I know goes away in the end. No one stays, no one cares, so why should I? So I killed their feelings before they could kill mine, scarred them for life before they could give me deep cuts like those I received before.

Beneath the stains of time, I am still myself, still innocent... but my lies I cannot erase, I cannot hide or untell. They've grown into a forest of webs, deceived and tore heart after heart. If I could turn back time, I would keep myself buried in the ground, head underwater and lips sawn with heavy wire. And then I'd be the innocent one burn on the pyre and you could have it all, my empire of dirt, my crown of thorns, my liars' chair.

But my broken thoughts cannot be repaired and if I am to admit everything I'll say it out loud: I am a liar to the core, deceiving hearts and myself as well. I am licensed to kill after all...

Only [human]

I'll stop right here and right now. 

I'll hold in my breath so that I won't feel your scent anymore, I'll close my eyes to stop seeing you, I'll stop moving my lips under yours and deny any touch coming from you.

I'll stop now.

I'll hit my chest with my fist until I'll bruise it in hopes that my heart will actually fail to beat under the hits. If that doesn't happen, I'll open up my chest and unplug my heart, disconnect it from my brain and cease any vital function. And then I'll feed it to the dogs... not that they'll eat it since it's so old and scarred, so hard to chew on the stratified illusions and repeated surgeries. It will probably end up being ball to kids on the streets or maybe on the riverbank or it will roll and hid under the bridge, in a box, shivering in stitches and darkness. Or maybe someone will find it and take care of it, nurture it with pity if not love, clean it from all the dirt that went through all the open wounds, wash away the pain and memories and then give it to someone who really needs it... 'cause I don't really need it.

I'll stop now.

I won't care, I won't feel, I won't see, breathe or taste you like before. You will become gray to me and die, turn to dust and get carried away by the wind. I will no longer give in to you. I'll stay strong and unmoved like a rock, until water will wash all of me away and I will be remembered no more...

I'll stop now.

I'll stop loving you and seeing only you, I'll stop being blind. I'll be once again dark and twisted, sister with the fears and denial, I'll stop smiling blindly, I'll go back to my corner and forget all of me and all of you. I'll mute my plea and become deaf, I'll go searching once again for something that will taste just as sweet as you if not sweeter. I will stop loving you even if it means death to my soul!

I'll stop now and forever shall not find place to nest inside this rib cage of mine. I don't need promises for eternity, nor undying love written on sheets of paper; I don't need diamonds sparkling like the stars or cars or gold or flowers. For I ceased to exist the moment I gave my all and wrapped my soul around your arm. Yes, you took me all: all my body, all my heart and soul, my dreams, my thoughts. You occupied me as a vessel, you took over me like a conqueror takes over dry land - and just like that you ignored the fact that I had a name, a spirit, a life. Now all that's left of me is a mere meat carcass scribbled with nonsensical wishes of death. And they were all for you, love...

So I'll stop now. I'll just leave you behind and when we'll unexpectedly meet at the corner of that flower shop, I won't even look at you, I won't feel you or hear you. You'll be the ghost of my sad past and I'll be living in my self written present. You won't have the power to lure me in once again...

And yes, I will regret you all my life.

Holding demons

I think it happened on a rainy Tuesday evening... or was it on Wednesday? Anyway, what matters is that it happened during a rainy evening. I was just about to step out in the summer rain, my rain coat tightly wrapped around my shivering body. I was wearing a smile because inside my mind it was sunny - sunny and warm and wind was blowing from the sea, bringing salty drops on my skin. I was still smiling when I saw her: a mere silhouette, a mere presence in between the crowd, so dizzy and small she could have been easily carried off by the mere blowing wind. 
Her hair - a complete mess of rebellious curls.
Her lips - bloody and scrapped, moving continuously, whispering one she knew what.
Her fingers - holding tight on a bottle full of whiskey.
She was a lost one, an unfortunate event the crowd didn't preoccupy itself with. So I shrugged her off my mind as well and went on my way. Until those cold finger grabbed my wrist and forced me to look deeply in her eyes. Eyes that had seen the worse, eyes that were swimming in tears, eyes that were showing the wild sparkle of a spirit that didn't knew how to lose. And when she dragged me away on the dark alley, the world stopped moving all of a sudden and I went back in time.
There I was, young and smiling, celebrating my 18th birthday. A chaos of a party with demons screaming from bottles of whiskey and gin and burning cigars, with speakers screaming profanities out loud, inviting to orgies, tempting even the weak me to give in to the darkness that came smiling at me, wrapped in smoke and dirty colours. And then I woke up in someone else's bed, wearing someone else's clothes, being someone I didn't even recognize...
As I watched my young self looking around all confused, the image changed into another one: me inside the OR, screaming my pain, cursing my fate, calling for my mother during labor. I was almost 19 and almost a mother.
And then she showed me the years that passed by in what seemed an eternity: late hours working, late hours partying, a child waiting at home with scared eyes, flinching at only the sound of my voice, a child that would cover my body with his own blanket and look over me as I slept on the floor. And no matter how badly I treated him, that child never left my side. He grew up wearing old clothes and sometimes barefooted and still gave his best out there. To him the world meant nothing if I wasn't happy.
Until one rainy day when we fought and I started crying, wishing out loud he wouldn't exist. And with a happy smile on his lips, he said "I know. I'm sorry. I love you." and went away. Next day I found his body hanging from the ceiling and a note stuck in his cold and rigid hand: "Now you can start all over again.".
"I spent his love and left him broke, hadn't I?" 
But only rain could answer to me. Rain and a warm hand holding mine.
"Are you ok, mommy?" His doe eyes checked my complexion.

Yes, I saw her on a rainy day. She was wild, she was rebellious and she defied every law in this Universe to come show me that I carried inside more demons than all Hell. And she got rid of them for me. Now I can wear flowers in my hair and white dresses and hold my child properly. Maybe I'm not the best, maybe I'll never be, but at least I am trying. Are you striking for a better you?
Yes, it was definitely raining on that Friday...

"I regret nothing."

With love, a friend...

You might not remember this part of you, you might not want to acknowledge your past fragility. But hey! here I am or better said, here I was all this time. You might be living your dream somewhere in this big world or you might be wounded to death, hiding under layers of silence as you gave up on all humanity. Or you might have accepted that being plain is not bad at all and forgot all about our messy past and the pieces of your once broken heart.

Wherever you are, whatever you do, whomever you're with when you read this, just in case you come across this one day, I want to share with you this life philosophy that's stuck in my head for now (I'm putting it down 'cause I know I will forget it as soon as I go to bed):

1. Be someone's friend - befriend someone and be his or her friend even after midnight. Don't judge, don't hold a grudge, don't frown, don't wish they didn't exist. Help them if you can, be their best friend, give them courage, give them strength even if one day they could walk away. Just be their friend over a cup of tea, over the phone, in writing. Bear them in mind and heart and show them warmth. People are and will be people - always in need of company, always in need of warmth. Give a lil' of your light to a blind person and you'll walk around with a lighter heart.
2. Pet a dog or a cat. It soothes the heart, it makes you feel loved even for a little while. Animals don't hate, they don't hold grudges and are grateful for every touch, for every word, for every minute you give them.
3. Love. With all your heart, with all your soul. I know you've been brokenhearted before, I know it hurts when he leaves. But even so, love with all your might, give your best, be caring and bright, be supportive and attentive to the other's needs, show appreciation and respect. I doubt it will be left unrewarded. And even if it is, later on, when you'll be really old and cranky, you won't regret it. You'd have made someone feel special and loved even for a little while. It won't matter you weren't considered good enough, that you weren't the one, that you weren't perfect - 'cause even for a lil' while, you have made someone happy.
4. Sing along with your favourite songs. It doesn't matter you don't have a good voice or that you're making a total fool out of you. It doesn't matter you don't know the lyrics or the language. Hum along, dance with the beat, feel the music pour through all your pores, through your cells.
5. Don't be afraid of who you are, of what you think, of what you like. Life's too short for that!
6. Don't hurt others just for the sake of being a voice. In the end, it won't matter if you're remembered through the centuries if you'd be regretting it all your life or feel guilty. It's not worth the burden, trust me.
7. Don't hold grudges. Let it go, let it go, just let it go. If you stop caring about the past, the future will be easier to see and build. If they did you wrong, just forget it. If they hurt you in ways no one can understand your aching scars, if they left you bleeding without an explanation - it's alright. It's just fine. They went their way, you got your own path. And when your paths will cross again, there will be enough space  for "Hello.".
8. Be a good daughter even when your mom is no longer what you recalled her to be. Be supportive of her, be there with a nice word, be there to remind her that she'll never be alone and that no matter what, she has you.
9. Be a good mother. Be the mother your mother was: your children's best friend, their playmate, their protector, their teacher, their guiding light. Be attentive to their needs, to their fears, to their life philosophy. Don't be afraid to share your past with them, don't be afraid to scold them gently, don't be afraid of letting them be free in world where there they will be judged according to appearance, wealth, gadgets or what else. Their happiness is yours.
10. Be a good wife. Be a good life partner. Be supportive of his dreams, support him on his way, be there when he needs you, be his comforting silence, be his painkiller when he's in terrible pain. Listen well and think twice before saying something that you might regret later. Remember what you promised to yourself when you were younger and never let the other one behind in pain or anger. Talk your problems out, figure a way together, don't be silly and stubborn when it's not the case. Don't cause unnecessary pain to your partner. Don't be selfish - be selfless. And if he hurts you, be sincere and tell him. If he steps on your heart, try to talk things out. If it just doesn't work, part as friends. Don't cause unnecessary pain one to another. And don't be afraid of telling him you love him - you never know what can happen by the end of the day. Don't be just his partner and lover. Be his friend.

Ten rules for an easier  life - no, scratch that, rules for a happier life! And not rules, but just reminders on how to be a better person, on how to live with no regrets, on how to be everything you once promised yourself you'd be one day: a better human, a better person, a better you.

And if you are all these out there, then I am happy to have lived through the pain and misery, through the hardship and broken hearts. If you're leading a life like you dreamt, then I regret nothing and I am genuinely happy for you and those around you.

But don't forget the most important rule of them all, the golden one if I may say so: be yourself no matter what. The bright person your friends saw, the romantic one, the childish one, the silly one. Don't let the darkness you fear consume your bright light! You are the sun of your own universe! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

With love,

A Friend from the Past